Hi! It's been a while since I've been on here. About the same time I confronted H about OW I also was job searching as well as looking for a babysitter. Now that I have a job I have little time to myself and almost no privacy so coming here has become pretty hard to do.
When I confronted H he had insisted that he was "only friends" with OW and they gave each other advice, etc, etc. He said he went about things the wrong way but he wanted our relationship to work and he wanted to go to MC blah blah blah. He did call our insurance company to see if MC was covered which it is not. There was no more effort to do anything on his part after that. I told him that if he wanted to work on things the first thing that had to happen was no more contact with her. He agreed. But I had to ask him a week after I confronted him if he was going to take OW number out of his phone. I really did not believe he would actually stop talking to her. And it looks like I was right. Although there is no evidence of him calling her on our cell phone bill there are still calls TO him just like the ones that I determined before were her calling him and blocking her number. They are obviously still talking. I feel like I am staying because leaving would be difficult in so many ways. I am sooo pissed that he has been giving me this song and dance. I just want to choke the F out of him! He's constantly trying to kiss and hug me and telling me how much he loves me---what a con. I mean how can you work on your M with a man who seems to have no intention of being honest or changing? I feel like I am on hold, on auto pilot. But when I'm alone is when the hurt feelings surface. I feel like I must not be worthy of a decent man or why else can I not have one in my life? I feel like I am dealing with an overgrown child. I am still thinking about separation but know that it will be so hard on me and the kids. What should I do?

K

Well, I guess there must not have been much to say in response to what I posted. I'm just feeling down and out. I feel like there's no hope of things changing in this situation. It truly sucks.

K

s4mk,

You said <<I mean how can you work on your M with a man who seems to have no intention of being honest or changing? I feel like I am on hold, on auto pilot. But when I'm alone is when the hurt feelings surface. I feel like I must not be worthy of a decent man or why else can I not have one in my life? I feel like I am dealing with an overgrown child.>>

Honestly, you can't work on your marriage alone.  A marriage (good or bad) takes two committed people.  Your marriage is on hold right now....but YOU don't have to be put on hold.

One thing that many people will tell you here is that you have to take care of you.  It is important that you separate your healing from the healing of your marriage.  Right now, all of your pain is raw....it is important for you to gain your confidence back, begin to rebuild your self-esteem, work through your pain and (as a result) feel stronger emotionally and physically.  (How you go about doing this is up to you - read some self-help books, go to IC, go to the gym, post here etc.).  This takes time and patience.

Once you begin to feel stronger... and the pain of what has happened slowly becomes manageable...you likely will be able to realize what your next steps are going to be.  Your WS can continue to play his games...or he can jump onboard towards reconciling with you - either way, you will feel better about the person that you are and you can move forward with more confidence than you have right now.

I remember wishing that someone could uncover an easier way to recover from this...sadly there isn't an 'easy' way.  Give yourself time ... and continue to focus on you.

Kara

I agree with Kara. Unless all contact seizes, there is no hope. Sounds like they are more than just friends if he cant give her up. As long as he feels secure that you will stay no matter what, he will continue to use the situation to his advantage. My WH did the samething. It wasnt until I kicked him to the curb did he realize I was serious. I feel you have to stick up for yourself, even if it makes life a little harder for awhile....cause you and the kids are worth it...you do deserve a decent, loving, and faithful man.

I am sorry you are still going through this ((((hugs)))

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

He wants to have his cake and eat it (of course). He's not the first WS to think they can do this. My W also thought that. However, it is a fallacy. There's no such thing as "just friends". Keep plugging away at him, and maybe he will eventually get it - sometimes it can take a WS quite a while. (Of course - and not to be too negative - some WS NEVER get it).

Even so, keep trying. YOU will know when enough is enough, that little internal voice will tell you.

There is no doubt that No Contact is an absolutely non-negotiable essential for reconciliation. And if he wants to demonstrate materially that he is serious, then half-arsed attempts to get MC on insurance are insufficient. One of the ways my W demonstrated her commitment to reconciliation was that financial contribution to a MC session every week, regardless of the state of her (our) finances - no cancelling because she didn't think we could afford it. Maybe you should gently draw your H's attention to that, if you agree.

Dave

Thank you Kara,Cal and Dave for your thoughts and insight. I really respect and appreciate them!
Prior to confronting H about the OW I had already been getting things in line for my exit. I still have some of those things in place. H seems to be one of those people who is just going to keep doing what he wants until the rug is pulled out from under him. Even when it is, I don't really hold out alot of hope that he would change for good. He would probably make all kinds of promises, but I just don't believe or trust him anymore. He has lied about so many different things.
I had discovered (prior to confronting H) that he had several other phone numbers for OW in addition to her cell phone. I copied them down and hid them in a box under our bed. Well, I had been thinking about trying to contact OW's husband and when I went to get the numbers out they were gone so it looks like H went through my things and got rid of the #'s. That sneaky @#$%! His are also gone from his address book, where he had them under the name "KEN" of course. But you know, they were JUST FRIENDS. But I had given them to the PI I was working with too, so I've been trying to get in touch with him to see if he still has them. I hope so because I really want to blow OW and H out of the water. Can you tell I'm having a mean and angry day?
I was looking at pictures with my kids today of them right after they were born. My son asked if H had been there when they were born and I said yes. He then said "That was when you loved Dad?" That was so heart-breaking to hear that from a 3-year-old. You realize how much they are aware of. When H and I were going through pre-marital counseling with the pastor who married us, we were asked to write down and share what our hopes and dreams were for our marriage and family. One of mine was that our children would be able to see how much we (H and I) loved each other and that we would set a good example of a loving marriage. I never felt like my parents loved each other and I wanted it to be different for our kids. I feel like a failure in that respect.
Thanks for letting me vent and share. Sometimes you're just so full of anger and sadness and there's no where to let it out. I'm glad this board, and everyone on it, is here!

K

K,

Venting, on this board is so helpful because we all have been where you are and understand what you are experiencing.
I agree with Kara's post you need to take care of you right now, get strong and you have time to decide what boundaries you need to set up with your H so you can live together or apart...this is about you and your comfort...YOU have the power to decide what you want, not your H.

I stayed with my H 23 yrs ago because he promise me there would be no other women I found out 4 years ago that there were lots more women ...we didn't fix the problem it was swept under the rug..5 years ago, I knew I was so unhappy my plan was to divorce him , no ands if or buts...I had my plan and was working on it...when i confronted H about his A..he wanted both of us...comfort of marriage... his interaction with our children was thru me...and he loved the OW...but didn't want to marry her...I told him to leave gave him my boundaries,,,he had to think about what he wanted...he came back with NC with OW, and MC...the first year was a trial for me, I had one foot out the door...I was in control of me and what I needed to do for me. We both worked with IC and MC. still do, not as often ...tune ups...

You are worth so much and deserve the love of a good man....focus on" I am a good woman and I deserve to be loved"

((((hugs,

Pat





"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

I want to thank all of you guys again for being so kind and encouraging. I know that my self-esteem could definitely use a pick-me-up. That's something I need to work on, though I'm not real sure where to start. It's kind of amazing to me--if it were me and I'd had an A and then realized that I'd really messed up and hurt my H badly and was desperate to make it up to him I would be doing everything I could to show him I was serious. H has really done nothing. I would also be worried about a "retaliation" A. H doesn't seem to be concerned at all. One day he said something about a call to his phone that made me suspicious so I responded in a suspicious, though not nasty, way. He immediately got all bent out of shape and even said "Well, maybe you've got a "friend" and that's why you're so interested in this phone number!" I knew it was just an attempt to try to take the spot light off of him. A pathetic one at that. He just amazes me with how unremorseful he seems to be in the weeks that have followed since I confronted him. I think he was scared at first. Now, the weeks have passed, he hasn't had to go to MC, I couldn't really talk about anything without telling him off or being ugly so I just stopped talking about it, and he basically still has his life the way it was, so I'm sure he's feeling comfortable again. He's probably just had to get inventive with how he gets in touch with OW. My guess would be that he's using a calling card on a pay phone. OW's cell phone is a long-distance #. I've been thinking about separation and how I should do it. When would be a good or bad time to do it, what things I need to consider, etc. Our twins birthday is in July and they are really looking forward to it. If we split up before then it wouldn't surprise me if he didn't show up for their birthday, and that would just devestate them. There's also the issue of our cell phones which are in my name. The contract expires in July. If I told him I wanted a divorce before then I wouldn't doubt he would purposely run up a big phone bill that I'd be responsible for. If I cancel his phone line before then I would be saddled with a hefty penalty charge. Anyway, I'm just rambling and thinking out loud.
He says that OW doesn't "judge" him. I guess that means that she allows him to be the selfish, childish person that he often is. Good for her. I hope she really gets her fill of all that!! Cuz I'm about done with it!
I wish you all happiness! Take care of yourselves.

K