I have really HUGE problem that, if I could, I would contiue to avoid. See, my family is Alberta and I'm in Ottawa. None of them know about the A or that WS and I are doing a trial seperation. basically, I didn't tell them because what could they do? Also, my mother, at our wedding rehersal (and at another point, WS says)said, "It is amazing what C will do to get married before her younger sister." She is known for backhanded compliments (Wow, that doesn't make you look that fat) andhas been doing this to me all my life. She actually made me cry on y last anniversary ( a little of a year ago by bragging about buying my sister and her hsuband tickets to Newfoundland because husband hadn't seen his family in over a year. I, on the oher hand, was scrapping togetehr the moey to fly down to my brother's wedding (not having seen my family in 2 years) the following month with no offer for monetary help until I pointed out this little irony (I then turned it down - I don't beg for money, it was the principle of the thing) My dad sticks up for me, but she is his wife and has to take her side (plus he's whipped and knows it)

Anyway, I avoided the call from the 'rents just now because WS is in the middle of trying to decide when I get to move in and rent a room from him in June (less rent, get my pets back, etc.) and has gone from "move in at the beginning of June" to "don't book a van to move your bed just yet, I need a little space." We were doing this by email and Iw ent as far as telling him that it is up to him but I am moving in June and, if he has changed his mind about this, he needs to tell me now. And, if he does, I have decided to go back to Alberta (I actually drew a line in the sand in my head. I can't beleive it!)

Well, I didn't want to talk to 'rents cuz I am amazingly emotional at the moment. So, I check the message they left. Turns out Mom is in Ottawa July 11-12 for a meeting and wants to know if I'm available and she will stay a few more days. She needs to know now so she can book her flight. WTF! I don't know where I will be living in July, literally, and now I either have to lie through my teeth or admit to dear old mom that, yes, I am a pathetic screw up who did anything to get married. I am tempted to go lay in the middle of the highway and just let nature take its course. I DO NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS RIGHT NOW! But I have to. How do I do it?

You know the worst part - WS used to run interference with my Mom for me (he would take one for the team. They don't like each other much anyway) and was the first person ever to back me up when she would say things to me. Now,because of him, I have to do all this crap on my own. It's not fair.

Chinook

Find something else to do on July 11 and 12th. Just tell your mom your busy and it wouldn't be a good time to visit. I'm sure you can come up with something. You're certainly not lying if you say "its not a good time to visit".

I told my Mom straight out because I still wasn't sure and she really likes my H. When I told her the story I thought she was going to go pick up his shotgun and blow his head away. Anyways, my Mom's really supportive so it's a different situation.

Good luck

I think that what Hope has suggested is the easiest way out of it. Take yourself out of town those days and suggest you can book her a nice hotel.

I haven't told any family about H's A. Initially because I felt embarrassed, that I had failed to keep the marriage together. So I do understand your feeling that you just can't deal with the inevitable fall out from Mom finding out. Now we are still together, H is totally remorseful and doing everything he can to keep it that way and I'm glad I didn't tell. But if I do decide sometime down the track that I need to leave him, I will be strong enough to talk about why. I have accepted that it WASN'T my fault, that I do have the high moral ground in this and a right to put my side of the story. It's early days for you. Sooner or later if you split up you are going to have to tell the parents, but you need to be strong and confident enough that what you are doing is the best before you do, so meanwhile, a little avoidance strategy is probably best.

Hugs

Liz

I told my parents right away, I needed them to know and I needed my wife to come clean with the people who were close to her. We didn't have the problems you've discussed regarding your mother. It's easy to let your fears get the best of you when making a decision like this, so one thing I'd suggest is to check yourself to make sure you're not being too pessimistic.

If you still don't want to tell her then I'd be upfront about it. You could say you don't want her to visit because you have some things going on right now, and they are things that you don't want to discuss with her. If asked why, then you could tell her that you have felt a lack of support from her in the past, and that you don't trust her enough to involve her in what is going on right now.

It will probably will hurt her feelings, but it sounds like it might be something that needs to be said. Find the kindest way to say it, because she deserves your respect. It's best to let her know the real problem than to throw camouflage on it. By this, I mean that making up a story could come back to haunt you later, so telling her that she can't come but you don't want to explain exactly why is honest but still provides the privacy that you want.

TomJ

Edited to fix typos.
Edited again b/c it still wasn't clear.

I agree with the avoidance strategy. If your Mom already causes you stress at times it probably wouldn't be the best time to visit with her or the best time to tell her what's going on if you don't think she'll be supportive. You need to think of you right now. (((HUGS))) to you.

K

Yesteday, WS and I had our weekly class language class together (a way to remain contact without stressing ourselves out). I took him out for pizza before because had great news - he got a trasnfr he never imagined he would ever get, which means he will no longer be a clerk (a job that has made him miserable to be around). On top of that, he let it slip that he called me at work, first, to give me the news and then sent the OW an email. His reason - I had been there since he first applied and I deserved to hear it and he knew that I would be happy for him, regardless of hwo I felt about him (very true). Plus, when whe went home to change before meeting me, he discovered a bottle of champagne in the fridge from her,but he still went out for pizza with me (na, na, na, boo, boo (sticks out tongue) OW! Take that! Childish - you bet)

Anyway, he also admitted that his emails on Tues. might have left the impression that he was having second thoughts about moving in with me (I told him he was exatly right about that) and he apologized and explained himself. We worked out the details of my move (gradual over the month of June so we don't have to rent a van and gives us both space in case this is a bad idea. Think of approaching a wounded animal and you get the picture of how we are both treating each other).

At that point, I mentioned my mom coming in July. He misheard June and said that he would be willing to "fake it" for her visit and put everything in the house to make it look like I've been there all along. When I pointed out I said July, he said that makes things much easier because I will be moved in by then. He also point blank said he would never leave me to deal with my mother alone about this, even if we were fighting with each other. I told him that meant a lot to me.

He also made sure that I understood that we are still seperated by mentioning the logisitics of him being on course (due to his transfer) and how he had talked to his seargant about how to deal with him not being open to fraud charges when collection his seperation allowance (only available to married members) even though we are seperated. The advice was that, as long as I was living in his condo and we split the allowance, it should be okay. He could be gone upwards of a year, but the school is only 3 hours away, so he would be back when ever they gave him leave. We both admitted a long time ago that him going on course would give us a chance to live seperate lives and decide what we wanted without the legal headaches and mind games that go with a trial seperation. Plus, it is a lot easier to leave someone when you haven't had to live near them for 6 months.

So, things are looking better than they did 2 days ago. Thanks for the advice you gave, too. I was planning on just avoiding Mom and it was good to hear that others thought it wasn't a bad idea. You have also been a lot more udnerstanding than another board I was one, not about this issue but with people with a lot of different life experiences, who essentially told me I was letting myself be used and abused and why would I even be giving the WS the time of day if he was living with his g/f. So, I took their advice and left the group of peole who seemed to think it was okay to say mean things to me when all I wanted was a place to be heard. It will suck, though, because it was a good place to find deals and sales.

Chinook

I glad that you've got the situation resolved. That must be a huge relief. You won't find many people here who will judge you for the path you take through healing. We might question it, ask you to consider other approaches, and maybe even warn you of the consequences that we forsee, but once you make your choice we're going to support you as well as we can. I think one reason is that among our members there is a good understanding of how it feels to have your approach questioned and challenged too much.

In any case, I'm glad you've found the support you needed.