A year ago I thought my marriage was on track. I thought H and I were really connecting. We were in MC, where he absolutely, resolutely stated that he had never had an A. Still, even though something in my gut told me it was a lie, I felt we were moving forward toward a great M. On June 21st it will be one year since the last time H had sex with the OW. While he was out of town on business -- right after he had been with me. On August 13th, two days after my birthday, it will be one year since I discovered the credit card fraud from the OW. On August 24th it will be one year since I discovered that the OW had two children -- and for the first time was claiming they biologically belonged to my H.
Why do the dates stick in my head? Why are they looming up in front of me -- telling me not to believe that H & I will be able to successfully R? I don't feel safe anymore. And although I know that I have truly grown up in these past months, I feel like a newborn baby - so vulnerable to the world. Indeed, it is difficult to express these feelings, even in a safe place like HH.
I don't know that I have a point to this post. I feel so lost within my feelings, then the sadness overwhelms me. I wonder what H said to the OW -- last week she sent him an email stating that she would be changing her children's names -- apparently thinking this would devaste him. It didn't seem to -- but I wonder what he said to her at the beginning of their A. I can't seem to find the words to ask him these questions right now. He is looking for a second job and I am looking for a job so we can pay the bills now that there is so much child support. If one of us doesn't get something soon, we will lose everything financially. The pressure is really on -- don't know if I can handle his answers or his silence.
H's attorney is filing a motion to reopen the CS case because OW refuses to turn over her 1040s and I found proof that she has lots of stock in ADOBE among other companies. H thinks she has an income of several thousand dollars a month. Stupid question here - why would OW do this? Funny, I have the same question about why she would have slept with a married man with little children.
I really need hugs, prayers, support. I have been refinishing my dining room furniture to try to work through the strain of everything. It isn't working.
While we all have different histories and stories, we all know the devastation of A - the feeling of falling off a cliff into a grotesque world that makes no sense. Everything is surreal, pain is everywhere and it feels like it will always be that way. We were also in MC prior to D Day - what a joke and colosssal waste of money. But H said that, even then, he wanted it to work out with me - just didn't have the courage to come clean and feared the consequences if he did.
It DOES get better. I will be 2 years in August and the shift took place for me at about the 18 months mark. Still have bad days or bad hours...still feel the shock that my life was blown apart by A's...but I am stronger and better. Not all the way to emotional well-being but a solid work in progress.
Life will never be the same, the fantasies are gone but I am trying to build a real life in the real world. And sadly, in my life, that real world included betrayal of the worst kind.
I am so sorry you are feeling lost. Having to deal with a child adds practical and emotional complications that I can only imagine to be horrendous. But, you are strong and can make of your life what you want it to be. The OW cannot defeat you.
It sounds as if your H is remorseful and trying hard. Mine was and still, it took a long time to recognize that he couldn't do what I wanted him to do most - make it all go away.
You will be in my thoughts and I am hoping that you find peace and sanity. In the meantime, I found that a shower really helps.
We are conditioned to remember dates our whole lives, for both good and bad, infidelity related dates are no different. Right now they are big triggers because it is all so new. In time their effect on you will become less and less. This last February was the first time in 5 years that I did not say to myself, "This was the time of year that OW and H first had sex." That date always effected me worse than D-day. For some reason, my mind wanted to go back and stop that date from ever happening, because then none of it would have happened.
I've worked really hard to not focus on the specific dates, but know that it was around/during my birthday which really sucks.
I have good days (compassion, sympathy, forgiveness, love, happiness) and bad days (hatred, anger, pain, anguish, depression, helplessness, hopelessness, well you are familiar...). For a while I was writing all of my bad feelings down on paper. My online journal got mysteriously deleted and I was utterly bereft as if I'd lost a friend, a piece of my soul. But, I realized having access to and revisiting all those bad feelings was not helping my healing. So, I'm now going to keep a journal or record of the revelations that are positive and my mantras and reminders that make me feel safe. It's just an idea, I haven't put it into practice, but maybe you can try it too and see if it helps.
Keeping busy usually helps me too. Maybe you need to find an activity that is a little more engaging than staining your furniture. It is so hard to stay focused on anything so I wouldn't recommend operating heavy equipment or power tools! I had to organize a dinner party for 20 people while we were on vacation. That bought me 2 hours of solace. It was more important for me to create an environment where these people would have a good time than to process this stuff. I work, so that demands my attention and I can stay focused there for a good 30 - 60 minutes at a time.
We never know what the OW was thinking...she may have wanted your life...
a post doesn't have to have a theme...you are hurting and you need to vocalize your thoughts, this is all getting the hurt out in the open for you...once said, you can begin to deal with all the emotions...
take care,
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
Thank you for the hugs. I am struck by how kind everyone is.
Susan - showers do help, as do bubble baths. And yes, the complications of OC are extra stressful. I realized tonight that I must step away from the OC situation (ie. child support, daycare costs) and remember to give my own emotions regarding this trauma a voice. It seems easy at times to squelch them, push them down under the everyday dealings of life. We have 3 DC to care for and my SD as well. I am discovering that helping my H handle the court system takes my mind away from why we are dealing with the court system in the first place. Odd place to be. But I think that recognizing my inner turmoil and coming here, to HH, to voice these feelings is probably a good step towards healing myself and perhaps finding some peace. I imagine that this will be a difficult summer; it helps to know that you have found some of that peace. It gives me hope.
Ami - we are indeed a society bound by dates. I am nervous about these that are coming up - afraid of my feelings surrounding them. February is when my youngest was born - on our Anniversary. H was such a jerk -- apparently he was already talking alot to the OW - they started their A when our littlest one was about a month old. It is hard to look at her baby pictures sometimes. I think, if only I had gone to the restaurant more when I was pregnant -- it wouldn't have been that difficult (pregnant with two little boys, one of whom has SI disorder and ADHD). Ha, ha. Can you imagine. Thanks for the hugs - I really need them.
Hope - I kept a journal of the horrific thoughts/feelings in the beginning too. It really sank me, so I stopped. The raw pain of what is written there is too much. I like your idea of mantras and revelations instead - although I think that expression of the bad feelings must find a voice - they just don't need to be the only voice. My brother and family are coming for a visit -- this will help distract me for a time. And the dining room furniture does look nice!
I recognize that there are perhaps too many things on my plate right now. It seems that many folks here have that issue. I am attempting to find a full time job; start a Master's degree; and continue to work with my son who has special needs. I am attempting to be a good mom to all of my children and be there for my step daughter, who knows about the A and is extremely angry with her dad.
Pat - thanks for the words of encouragement. I do feel better expressing these emotions, however painful as they may be, and hearing that other people have been there, or are there. I wish though, that none of us knew what this felt like.
I am just now reading your post and I just wanted to send ((((hugs)))) your way and to tell you that I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I know right now it is all so overwhelming.
Who knows what single OW thinks getting involved with married men. Like Pat said, many want our lives. That was the case for my H's OW. But they all have different reasons. Unfortunately, no matter the reason why for OW, our H's obviously either persued them or went along with the seduction and that's where the main betrayal and hurt lies...our H's are the ones we need answers from. When you are ready you will ask. In the meantime, take care of YOU.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I've actually had advice given to me by someone whos aid she dated a married man while in college (I don't think she realized how stupid she sounded responding to a BS). She said that she was happy to have someone who didn't want a commitment and that the BS was in a bad marriage (aren't they all). I honestly think the OW are often either a)delusional in thinking that the BS will leave their spouse for them and remain faithful after that or b)don't value commitment of any kind, whether to themselves or between others.
As for myself, I had empathy for the OW when BS told me that she didn't know he was married. Atleast he had been truthful to me and was conning her. But, when she continued the A after knowing the truth, I had, and still do, nothing but contempt for her. She willingly stayed with a b/f who lied to her and was married. Then again, I also learned, from BS, that, while serving beer to Canadian soldiers in the Netherlands (i.e. reps. of the country that saved hers less than 70 years ago), she proudly wore a shirt that said "Fighting for peace is like f*&^@&g for virginty." And then she dated one of them! (I'm sure her grandparents would be so proud of her - NOT!) Yup, her ideas of right & wrong are definitely messed up. No wonder she is satisifed with being someone's mistress.
I had to organize a dinner party for 20 people while we were on vacation. That bought me 2 hours of solace. It was more important for me to create an environment where these people would have a good time than to process this stuff. I work, so that demands my attention and I can stay focused there for a good 30 - 60 minutes at a time.