D-day for me was 4 months ago. H had EA/PA for nearly 15 years. OW was a co-worker of his. PA ended a few years ago, but the EA continued until 4 months ago. Our families were close friends...went out together as couples nearly every weekend throughout the A,(I feel like I went along on their "dates"!) traveled together, even bought vacation homes in the same town. We have several mutual friends...who of course had to be told.....they are disappointed and angry at what these 2 have done....and put in a very uncomfortable position. Our grown children have been told...our sons are best friends. Our daughter is no longer speaking to my H. My life as I've known it has been completely ripped apart. H says they ended the PA because they knew it wasn't going to go anywhere; that they were each going to remain with their spouse. (Great....it took them 12 years to figure THAT out??) I feel so betrayed (by both of them)!!; I sometimes question why I am staying...I do love him, but there is just SO MUCH to try to forgive....let alone try to forget!! He is extremely remorseful......but he's been lying to me for so long....I'm never sure if it's for real...or just another act. Ironically....I feel like he has finally become the husband he should have been all these years! As I've been reading these boards...I've not seen anyone who has been deceived for as long.....is it really possible to forgive this?
One thing I've learnt on HH over the past years is that the length of the A doesn't seem to matter much - the effects are, sadly, the same. Sometimes we agonise too much over 'how long' at the expense of what the effects were.
The A I'm working with and dealing with lasted nearly 10 years. Jerry who also posts here has an A of 18 years to deal with. There are other As described here as long, or as long in serial form, one A after another throughout a marriage.
I would add though that As which also involve the betrayal of someone you thought was a friend or even a relative over a long period of time can be very painful, when this is the case in the A then you have two people's lying behavior to deal with, which is excruciatingly painful too.
But, welcome here, though that may seem a strange thing to say. HH really CAN help you and we are happy to do so though we would all wish that you had not had to be here at all.
I'm writing to echo Coventrie's good words. Welcome to our little community. Here you will find people who understand why you feel the way you feel, and will support you as go through the numerous and sometimes conflicting feelings.
It gets hard to compare pain, because each affair is devasting to the betrayed spouse. However, there are many who have reconciled from very deep betrayals. There are those who have gone through situations similar to yours. Others have dealt with mulitple affairs over decades of time, and have reconciled their relationships. Still others have dealt with situations involving close friends or even family members. Some had to face situations involving children conceived in the affair. Others have dealt with incurable sexually transmitted diseases. Affairs have so many twists that makes each betrayal difficult.
Ultimately whether your husband's affair can be forgiven is up to you. You and you alone will make the choice as to whether to extract punishment for what he has done or allow it to go unpunished. It doesn't depend on the choice others (such as your daugther) make to forgive him, and it doesn't depend on his worthiness to receive forgiveness.
You can choose to forgive him and STILL make the choice to end your marriage with him. This is because continuing the marriage is contingent upon your choice to reconcile your relationship with him and this is not only dependent on your choices, but it is dependent on his. It requires not only that both parties express a desire to work on it, but also that they follow through with the actions needed to make it a reality.
One piece of advice often repeated on this site is that you should give yourself some time before making any decisions on your marriage (especially the decision to divorce). This is because the feelings that you will experience are very complex and need time to work through before you will know if the relationship is salvagable. However, if there is a threat to your safety, I recommend taking immediate steps to protect yourself from harm.
Again, welcome to our group. I hope you find the support you need as you go through your recovery.
I am so sorry for your pain. I can't imagine being betrayed by a friend and husband. All I can say is to take it a day at a time because really, that's about all we can do for now. I have been in this mess for a year and a half and I am still not too sure on what to do. It's amzing how an A can do so much damage. It's the nuclear bomb in a marriage the way I see it. Where does one start to pick up the pieces? But as Tom stated, there are some people here who have made it work. Take your time because healing can't be rushed.
I am sorry you are going through this. It is hard regardless of the amount of time the A lasted, but I understand what you are saying. The longer the A, the more lies there are to sort through (not necessarily more pain, just more junk!). My WH's A lasted a total of 5 years. It was with an ex flame he knew from high school who happened to walk back into his life at the right time, when WH was very vulnerable. However, there is no excuse! My WH is remorseful as well, but there is a lot to work through. It's very hard to rebuild the trust when you have been lied to for years. Right now we are trying, but who knows what the future may hold.
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Hello and yes I seem to hold a record here at 18 years physical love affair my wife had. I am available to help answer your questions and am happy to return some of the great support I have had here. The only thing I would say right now is that I don't have all the answers - I am still learning to live with the reality of what has happenend in my life. You can e-mail me directly if you like - you simply click on my name and you get my address.
I am now 20 months post my d-day and feel like I am returning to life again - All I can say is that both I and the relationship are very different now. One thing you can be sure of is that change is happening to you - And you can, at least, and when you feel darkest, know that the bad things change too!
may you be safe and well in the mean time and become contented and happy in the longer term
Thanks all for your responses. I guess I've always known that it will take a long time to heal from the 15 years of deceit...but can you really move forward without some measure of forgiveness? I just don't want him to think because I am willing to continue the marriage that I'm over it. I’m not sure I’ll ever be over it!! I’m still devastated that he could have done this to me....it’s just so hard to move on when he has essentially ruined every aspect of my life!! He has accepted responsibility for his behavior....but as my daughter reminded me....15 years can hardly be called a “mistake”.
And....how do I forgive the OW? She was supposed to be a friend. I know at some point I will have to...feelings of hatred are so hard to live with...so for now....she is just “dead” to me. I can't even think of any good reason she deserves to be forgiven.
Forgiveness is something you will come to understand if you set your mind in that direction. It is a strange phenomena in my experience as it does not really respond in the way you expect. Firstly you cannot force it. Next it works for you and not the other people involved - It is something to help you heal. And as many will say to you here, forgiveness does not mean condoning. Most strange to me has been the discovery that forgiveness is so mild and light - It is gentle and soft and eases the heart like you would never have expected. Forgiveness feels like loving the other people but also like loving yourself which you need to find the ability to do. Last, in my experience I am rather surprised to realise that loving and forgiveness does not mean you necessarily want to stay in a relationship as before. You may find you can love and forgive and walk away. Certainly if I do this in my case then I shall be able to do it with love in my heart. Strange indeed this thing called forgiveness and a wonderful teacher.
may you find forgiveness and with it some contentment and happiness
My H's descent into infidelity 7 years before D Day. It began with a 6 month A and was followed by a ONS, some inappropriate liaisons and finally, a sordid relationship with his client.
The hardest part for me is feeling that 7 years of my life was stolen - no moment was real - everything was a charade and not what I thought it was. I am working towards forgiving him for the sick behavior (H was alcoholic and bi-polar.) With a lot of work, he and I have come to understand what drove him to behave as he did.
I am not able to forgive him for cheating me out of my life. H never saw it that way - he thought he had two lives and that what I didn't know didn't hurt me at best and that I deserved it, at worst. Well, maybe he did have two lives but it sometimes seems like I had none - just a ridiculous pretend M full of lies and deceit. I get into the "how could you's?" and the "what were you thinking when x happened?" and end up frustrated and furious.
So, I don't have a lot of answers for you but I do understand. And, I can honestly say that I love my H and look forward to a future together. H and I have put our M back together in a much better way than it was before. Big price to pay. I am trying to live in the present but it is sometimes very hard, particularly when I think of a happy memory and then realize that it happened during the years of deceit. I feel like a fool for thinking that those moments were happy.
Gradually, I am putting the past behind me. The years are lost and it is really sad. I can't get those years back but I do have the present and the choice to make my life today what I want it to be.
My H's A lasted three years. In contrast to many other stories here, that seems smaller. But part of our literally sordid tale is that my H basically had a secret life going on, another side of him if you will, before he and I ever married. As much as I love this man and am committed to try and reconcile with him, I cannot look at the bulk of our marriage without feeling as if it is a sham. What was real? What was pretense? What was a cover? What was genuine?
The blurred lines between the reality and fantasy of our married lives - and so much of my identity - were even more fuzzy once the A started, and H started recreating important events of our married life with OW. Talk about feeling invisible and replaceable.
You can pretty much just re-read Susan's last three paragraphs and apply them to me. I know this pain and loss exactly. ((((Susan)))))
As I said, I love my H and we are both working very hard at surviving this situation. It is a difficult road, but one we both want very much to walk together. However, I do not forgive my H for what he did. What he did is unforgiveable. He and I have talked about this. He cannot forgive himself either because he GETS that it is unforgiveable. We're still within our first year of recovery, so it feels early to categorically say that my H has changed and is no longer the same person. But that's the difference that makes this situation bearable for me. That's how I can still be here and that's how this marriage can continue. That man, who could do those things, is dead to me. He is not welcome in this house, and if there is any sign of his "reincarnation", I think I am strong enough to walk away now. I have grieved for my old marriage. I have grieved for the man I fell in love with way back when - who I'm not sure really ever existed. I have grieved for myself and the parts of me that died as the truth was uncovered.
I miss having memories to look back on fondly. But I can make new ones. I can do that with or without H, and hope to make plenty of both. We cannot undo what he did. Its a bit difficult driving this marriage right now, because it hurts so much to look in the rear view mirror of what was. I'm trying very hard to focus on the horizon and scenery ahead of me...and certainly spend a good deal of time talking with H riding shotgun next to me. When I do start looking back, I've found its a good idea to stop the "car", go ahead and think those things through from the safety of the roadside, and then get back in and start to move forward again when I'm ready. I cannot drive this marriage while constantly looking in the rearview mirror. That has been one of my biggest challenges.
Sorry - this ended up being more rambly than I had hoped/expected. More than anything, I just wanted to put out there that I believe a person can have a good marriage and solid new relationship with one's WS where forgiveness doesn't have to exist.
I don't know if that helps at all...and I'm not sure if the same can be workable with a close friend as the OW. I do hope that you're able to find your way through this that sits well with your soul and heart. "How Can I Forgive You?" by Springs is an awesome book that deals with this subject. Best wishes. BlueIris
Blue,
As usual, I related to so much of what you have written....it felt so personal that I could have written it myself.
H and I have also discussed how much I despise the person that did such despicable things and that if "he" ever shows up, I am gone. H hates that person as much as I do and understands my feelings. In some ways, H's alcoholism allows me to disconnect current H from drunk one but it sometimes feels like I was living and loving a cruel, disgusting stranger. However, that is changing as I recognize how sick and lost he was, so full of self hatred that he was desparate for the admiration of immature stupid girls who were in awe of him. It is now more sad than anything else.
I have forgiven him for his sickness. But I have not forgiven him for taking my life and my memories and making a mockery ot them. Forgiveness does not have to be absolute. Shades of grey are a new concept for me but I understand that nothing is as black and white as I have believed.
Like you, I do wonder about the man I married- who is he? why do I love him? is this feeling of love just another delusion? do I love him for the same reasons that sick OW fell for him(handsome, smart, flirtatious, successful, British, etc.)? am I as pathetic as they are, but just not as immoral?
Sometimes, I think I ask too many questions of the variety that have no answers. I love him. I want to be with him. But, the news is that I don't have to be with him to be happy.
