We seem to have gotten off your original survey topic, and the issue of therapy is a good one to look at. How many people are in therapy? How many people are benefitting from it? There've been threads that talk about ending up with an ineffective therapist, but for the purposes of this thread, could we talk about the positives and how to know when you've got a good one?

Jerry really made an excellent point about therapy in general:

"What it (the research Jerry saw regarding therapy effectiveness) does indicate is that if the person entering therapy wishes to find answers and solve their problems then there is a much higher chance of success!.. So you can see it seems to depend at least partly on where you set your own mind. My view is that in therapy it is really the person undergoing treatment who has to be ready and prepared to do much of the work.. "

Lonely, I've been going to a psychotherapist now for about 8 months. She started (and remains) as our MC, but also became my IC when it became obvious that my pain (not just from the A, but from my life history) really needed to be addressed in sessions with just her and I.

Initially, I was very frustrated because, like you, I wanted answers. I wanted a road map of how to fix the situation. I wanted step by step directions. Counseling and therapy, like so many other things in life, does not work that way. Each of us ultimately are responsible for the choices me make in life and how hard we're willing to work to change them or live with them. Your pyschotherapist's response, though it may have felt unhelpful, was empathetic. It sounds like he very much heard how difficult your situation is and how hard it will be if it ends in divorce. That's been what you've been telling us, too.

It also took me a while to not react defensively or with my own level of judgment when the psychotherapist said something I didn't necessarily agree with. Part of me wanted this person to confirm everything I was saying and have her say what a jerk my WS had been. Again, not their role. Its not that she doesn't think somewhere deep inside herself "Boy! That guy really hurt that woman. What a terrible person. How could he do that?" I'll never really know what she thinks about him...or I...or really anything. That's not her job. Her job is to help guide us to understanding what happened, why it happened, and address the really deep-seated issues that brought this crisis into our lives, what we think about it and what WE'RE going to do about it. So, in other words, in my situation, I and my H couldn't just look at work stress, children stress, etc for having made us grow apart. We needed to look at how H grew up, how he was treated in his family home, how previous relationships taught him how to be with people. And I needed to do the same thing. Because its not just about what you learn growing up, its also about the people we choose to partner with and how our behavior plays out with them.

Kind of rambly. I'm sorry for going on for so long.

In the end, I credit therapy with being a major factor in surviving this ordeal. That doesn't mean therapy will heal the marriage necessarily. It means being able to understand why the A happened and how I can either live with the pain of what happened on my own...or in my marriage, if it survives.

What are other people's positive experiences? Helpful hints in hearing what a therapist has to say?

I'd also love to know how long people have been in therapy and when/why you either stopped or "graduated". BlueIris

I just went to my first session of IC last week. We didn't do much but fill out forms (this is being paid for through WS's work) and have her spend time trying to find the number for MC through the local college. She tried to give me some literature to read but I pointed out to her that I have read mostof it and am here to work on my depression.

My only comment about her so far is that I wish she didn't look so surprised when I recounted all the headaches I have gone through since I moved to this area.

Chinook

I know BlueIris said to refrain from talking about negative experiences with therapy, but then that is only half of a conversation/story then isnt it? Had I not experienced a bad therapist I wouldnt have known a good one when I saw one, lol. So in a sense, having a bad experience my first time round actually helped me later on. So to me, it's all good! And at one point I even wrote a thread about how to find a good one for you. But you also have to be able to spot a bad one, so I feel you need to know the good and the bad in order to make a good decision for yourself as to whether the therapist is right for you. Makes sense? I hope so. Many, many people go through 2-4 therapists/counselors before they find one that fits them. This is common, so do not be discouraged!!! Keep looking! The fact that you realize you need help is wonderful.

My first therapist was a licensed MC, and a former nurse. He did some individual counseling but it was mostly couples. Me and WH saw him for 3-4 visits. WH said he didnt need to go anymore and so I started to see him individually. That's when I realized I needed more help than he could offer me. He never really helped me with my self esteem issues or marriage issues, and was of the mind that other than physical abuse a couple should not divorce and stick it out no matter what. I decided to look elsewhere. But the thing is, I specifically picked him originally because of his views on divorce. I asked him many questions before setting up the appointment. I was not ready to face the possibility that my marriage would end in divorce and wanted to save it all costs, so I thought he was the right one for me. I was wrong, but it was what I felt I needed at the time.

Then a wonderful friend suggested her IC. a licensed psychologist, MC, IC, and addictions C. Since my WH ahs many addictions I felt he was worth a shot! Well, I have been going to him for about 18 months and I am amazed at my progress! I have self confidence and I stick up for myself...and I have found my voice! I am much happier with me. I no longer let my WH walk all over me and I make my own decisions...I do what feels right for me. What a BIG difference, from the whimpy, whiny, doormat I once was

Ask questions...see if you and the therapist are even on the same page before setting up an appointment. After the experience you've had, you will know rather quickly if this is the right therapsit for you. If you are doubtful just set up one visist. If this is not the one for you, move on, and dont waste your time and money. The next one may be the right one for you. So my advice is to keep trying. Eventually you will click with one of them.

Good Luck!


~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Cal, my bad. You are so right!: There are absolutely great lessons to be learned in our negative experiences, as well as the positive. I started double-thinking through my original post while I was at lunch and the idea of asking to limit the discussion just to the positive parts...it just didn't sit right. Here I am, back from lunch, and voila! The wisdom of balanced experiences message...and a great story of how you found something that worked/works for you. Thank you, girl.

Great topic, Blue. I am always curious about what others have learned and always amazed at the similarity in the messages. Up until 3 years ago, I had no experience with therapy. Now, thousands of dollars later, I could write a book.

Our experience with therapy began about a year before D Day. H, on his own, pro-actively sought out a psychiatrist - at that time, I just thought he was out of control and needed help. The irony is that he went because he also knew he was out of control and that something was wrong. What I didn't know, of course, was that he was wondering about his history of A's.

H encouraged me to see someone because I was so depressed (who wouldn't be when the world didn't make sense, H is abusive, alcoholic and never home?). I went to a psychiatrist recommended by our doctor - I wanted to see a psychiatrist because I felt I might need medication.
She then recommended a MC that we saw.

After D Day, H stopped seeing psychiatrist and went to a therapist who specialized in addiction along with a pharmacologist specializing in mood disorders, again recommended by my psychiatrist.

The experience -
It took time, largely because I was so resistant and in such denial, but I have grown to love my IC. She is truly brilliant and amazingly insightful.
From what I have heard and seen with my MC, psychiatry seems to differ somewhat from psychotherapy though obviously there are many similarities. Our relationship seems to be a little more formal, less personal, like I call the MC by her first name and my IC, Dr. B. There is more Freudian stuff though her approach is multi-disciplinary. She also has a medical perspective on a lot of issues.

My H's first IC was a total waste of time. My H was clearly alcoholic and crying out for help and little was done to address that. Some have said that IC couldn't push H as that could have led H to be dishonest but I don't buy it. You don't tell an alcoholic that it is OK to drink wine with dinner. Also, he did not prescribe correct meds and in fact, enhanced H's tendency towards mania which leads to hyper-sexuality. Great.

Addictions IC and phaarmcologist totally changed H's and my life. Amazing success - he stopped drinking the day of his first meeting and it has now been almost two years of sobriety. His bi-polarity was correctly diagnosed and he is finally on the right meds. He is truly a different person.

I think MC a total waste of time until after discovery of A's. Still can't believe that H went there theoretically trying to put M back together on a bed of lies.

What have I learned-

I think that the messages sent by therapists seem to be pretty much the same - you can't control anybody but yourself, recognize and use your power, etc. Seems simple but very hard to take on.
But, that is the generic stuff. I, like you, need to look at my history and how that colors the present. Nobody can really understand how somebody else feels totally because all of our feelings are impacted by the lens of history that we see things through. She also spent a lot of time helping me understand H's illness and the psychiatry of adulterers and OW.

IC recommended an interesting book, when I asked her about how therapy is supposed to work, because, at the time, it didn't feel like anything was working. It's called The Talking Cure and its premise is that our thoughts follow specific pathways because of what our life experiences have taught us. In some cases, the stories are flawed, unhealthy and impair our functionning as mature adults. We need to re-wire by telling new stories- over and over until it finally gets through. There is a lot of repetition in our sessions. IC told me that repetition is the foundation of therapy.
Real progress wasn't made until after D Day when the floodgates opened and I opened up.

MC was great but after a while we felt we needed to stop. Felt like going there kept the wounds open and it was time to start the healing. Agreed that we would go back for tune-ups or specific issues.

I could go on an on but am getting ready to go away for the weekend.

Love the post, Blue.

At the very least, I would recommend IC therapy, for anybody going thru what all of us have been going thru. I have been going to therapy since late December....I like the therapist I'm seeing now, for IC...Her focus has been to get me to take care of getting stronger, building my own support system, gaining more self esteem, confidence, etc...my H and I were also using her for MC, but he dropped out of MC due to change of job schedule. I have been seeing some changes in myself since therapy.. I'm beginning to feel like I'll survive our marriage situation with some sanity, whether we stay married or not.