H asked me to go to MC again. He made an appointment for this Tuesday. I feel so negative about the whole thing and don't really know what the point is to even go anymore. At the same time I wonder if there is more to him that maybe he wants to tell. I don't know. I really don't know what to expect. All I know is that I am tired of dealing with this crap and the bottom line is this:

1)Leave the M and accept my life as a single parent (find peace and safty)
2)Continue to live with a cheater and try to trust him. No peace and security there.

The first choice will keep my heart safe because he can't trash it the way he already did.

The second choice will require a lot of work on my part if he does not "get it". How will I know when he gets it? I know the only way this M will not be at risk for another A is if he gets it! A year and a half has gone by and he still says "She was nice to me and I was filling a void". To me that sounds like a cop out excuse. I told him that I had the same M problems as he did before the A and I didn't have an A like him. It's like he doesn't want to really own up to what he did and his "flaws". I know I have flaws,but I also know that having an A will only make things worse. I don't think he has tried to earn a chance with me and just wants me to accept his reason for the A.

Thanks for hearing my vent

Jetta

Jetta,

Trusting that your H is changing is hard to do. Your H's excuse is an honest assessment ...filling a void...he was filling a void he felt...his mistake was not talking to you...yes she was nice to him..
The OW is always nice...she listens, she weaves her way into the WS mind...she is the one who hear what we do wrong so she does the opposite thing......my H felt I didn't love him...but his reasons for the A's were self esteem...low self worth..the OW build him up...made him feel good..played into his needs...what ever they were at that time..but deep reasons are hard to come by...My H's was she made him feel good, wonderful, important...

Sunflower wrote some wonderful posts o the open board lately...about her A...that might give you some insight..the hard work needed to be done by both the WS and the BS...it is little things that I see my H do now...small actions but meaningful to me. There are days I could trade him in ...but that is his personality...not the A stuff...You have to separate the two parts of the man..

I don't think that men really like to look at their flaws...especially when they have been unfaithful...they really want to forget that it happened...I got short answers, and no elaborations at all...reading here I find that to be a common thread among the WS (men)..that is why MC is so helpful because a good IC can get the WS to open up and be vulnerable...with out being hurt in the process...so go to the MC session...you have nothing to lose, it could be the action you need to see from your H...


Pat





"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

Given his history, no wonder you feel hopeless about going to MC again, but the fact that HE asked to go sounds promising. You can lead a spouse to MC, but you can't make him do the work, so his request to go again might just be an indication that he is finally ready to do the work you and the marriage need him to do. The only way to know is to try, isn't it?

I have to agree with everything wise Pat wrote. I'm sure OW was indeed filling a void. What your H needs to discover is WHAT that void was and WHY it existed and WHY he could give himself permission to cheat. I know my H worked very hard to figure out the answers to all those questions, as have other FWS. I believe that once a WS understands the answers then s/he can move forward to healing and helping the BS and the marriage to heal. I know from my own experience with my Dday 1 in 1999 that seeing a BS hurting is NOT enough. The WS MUST get to the root of his/her own problems and deal with them (which is what my H FINALLY did after Dday 2 in 2004). It's probably the only sure way to feel that the marriage is safe from cheating.

I'm sorry you are hurting. I understand how it is easy to feel down and discouraged when your H has hurt you so much.

Gentle fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

Jetta,

Forgive me, I dont recall if your H has been in IC or not. If he hasnt, he really needs to go. I am finding that IC is vital for my H, and me. H needs to work on his issues and addictions. Addictions and A's are the same line of thinking...they fill a void in that person. IC will help them find out what that void is and why they chose to cheat instead of filling it through other more positive ways. IC helps you look at yourself without your spouse being present and it feels much safer, especially for intimacy avoiders such as my H. And for me, I needed IC to help me rebuild my self esteem and help me to learn to stick up for myself and figure out why I put up with H's ill behavior. So it has worked for me! And I see it working for my H. It is taking time but in the end I feel it will be worth it whether the marriage survives or not.


Our first attempt at MC was futile. H was still cheating and only went to keep me from leaving. We only went 3 or 4 times. It was a waste cause H was not serious and was not willing to look at the issues or himself. In our case, without IC I wouldnt attempt MC again, it got us nowhere! But now, H is doing much better and I think it is time to try MC again. There are things we needed to work out as individuals, and now that the ball is rolling there, we cna start to work on our marital issues together through MC. But I have the opposite problem....my H doesnt want to got to MC, lol. My IC says that's the intimacy avoider in him...and we are wroking on it

Of course staying or going is totally up to each of us. Like others have said, not all marriages can or should be saved after infidelity. We know you have tried and only you will know when it's time to throw in the towel. It's such a personal choice and no one can tell you what you should and shouldnt do.

((((husg))))

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Jetta,

I understand your wanting to just move on with your own life, and try to find your own peace. Sometimes I just dream of being free from all of the emotional baggage his affair has caused. I am still hanging in there and working on our marriage, but I also realize that I could have walked away from it all, and I would not be at fault because I didn't have an A, and I would be free from all of the crap that comes along with the 'work'. But I figured 20 years of marriage deserved a chance to survive, but he is the one who broke our wedding vows, so he is the one responsible for 'most' of the work.
Take Care,
Mouse