Okay, so I am doing the 180 thing but, I know H, he is going to ask why I am not as available, etc. What should I say to him? He already claims I play head games with him (because in the past I wouldn't always tell him if I was angry or sad becasue I didn't want to deal with the fallout. This is part of the reason our marriage is in trouble and I have stopped doing this). Isn't this another form of head game?
That is an interesting question. Remember that the object of doing the 180 isn't to punish your H or play head games, but rather to accomplish a couple of goals: 1. To provide yourself with a calmer atmosphere, which you will have if you are not constantly breaking down emotionally, having arguments about his involvement with OW, etc.; and 2. To permit your H to see how life without your marriage will be for him. He needs to see that YOU have control of yourself and your life and that you will no longer permit him to manipulate you in any way. Right now isn't that what he is doing? He is cheating and in an odd sort of way, you are, while not exactly rewarding him for cheating, you are not helping him feel the effects of his cheating. Feeling the effects of his cheating doesn't have to mean just having fights, crying, etc. It can mean that you do the 180 and he no longer has your wifely support, attention, sex, meals cooked, laundry done, etc., etc.
Does that make sense to you? I am sorry you are hurting and that you even need to contemplate doing the 180.
I can certainly understand that your H has a HUGE pile of issues. How horrible for him to lose his father at a young age, and then to have his mother remarry so soon after. It's quite sad that he has such a huge issue of abandonment. Perhaps he is abandoning you before you can abandon him. That way, he will be the hurter rather than the hurtee, which is what he was as a child. Just a thought . . .
Encouraging fairy hugs,
fairyfriend
Duh! I forgot to add that if he asks, is there any reason not to tell him what you are doing and why. BTW, tt isn't unusual for people not to share their innermost thoughts for a whole lot of reasons. I'll bet far more marriages have issues of not enough communication rather than too much!!
This message has been edited by fairyfriend on Jun 5, 2007 8:38 AM
One more question about donig a 180 - how do I deal with the fear that H won't miss having me around and the fact that I no longer get to hang out with my best friend?
Logically, I know that, if he doesn't miss me, that means I need to move on anyway. It doesn't make it any easier, though.
How are you dealing with your fears right now? Remember that feelings, such as fear, are just that. It is up to you to decide what you will do with those feelings. I suggest that you acknowledge them but not permit those feelings to overwhelm you and determine your course of action.
Shy of holding a gun to another person's head, none of us can MAKE another person behave in a certain way. You are a smart person. You know that if your H chooses ultimately to dump you for his fantasy of being with OW, you will be alone and have lost your best friend. At least doing the 180 will help you get more control over yourself in addition to letting your H see what life without you as HIS best friend would be like.
Friends don't treat friends the way a WS treats a BS during an A. So I guess my question right now to you is how much of a friend is your H truly being to you? Don't you deserve a million times better treatment than he is giving you?
I'm delaing with my fears by white knuckling my way through them. I saw "A Beautiful Mind" last night and I thought that maybe I too will just to have to accept that part of me will always be there, I just have to learn to ignore it.
I know it is just so darn hard to get through this awful time. Because of a WS A, our whole lives have changed. We no longer have the trust for our spouses that we once had. Just so you know, even when a WS is doing all the right actions, we STILL have white knuckle times because we can still get overwhelmed by our fears. After a while, we just get to the point where we are fed up with dealing with fear, and we decide that we will work hard to be a good spouse and have a happy marriage, but if our spouse decides to cheat again, we will NOT be afraid to leave the marriage and find happiness inside ourselves.
I know it is hard to deal with fear, but I believe you CAN triumph.
The irony is that I went to my sencond IC session yesterday. Her first comments to me - I would be happier if I left H (after all, it has been only 3 years) and I should be put on meds for my depression. Man, am I glad I'm not paying for this!
I spent the next 50 mins. defending why I want to see if we can fix this. As for the meds, she already knows there are no doctors available. She recommended that the next time I have an an "episode" (becuase right now I am sad, scared and devasted but most definitely not depressed - that feels different), I should go to the ER to get put into the system. I just thought - yeah, I am so depressed I want to hide in a closet and I am going to sit in an ER for 8+ hours.
I think she may be wrong for me. Atleast htis is one relationship I can walk away from easily.
It sounds like this counselor thinks it's her job to solve your problem, and she sees divorce as the quickest way to take a step that way. I agree, you need to look for another person to be your counselor, someone who will help you work through your reality, not someone who will try to make the decisions for you.
