When I went to see the "PSYCHOTHERAPIST", the other week, the one who said my problems were too huge,,,,..........he did say that he believes I need to be on antidepressants. He asked if I could answer "yes" to the following question.
Have you been happy for seven consecutive days in the past two years that you recall? Without hesititation I said NO.
How would antidepressants help my awful day to day living? I feel worthless, hopeless, stressed, sad, angry, anxious,,,,,.
My other question is, have any of you gone on antidepressants as a result of your spouses affair, or things that got said after the affair.......i.e the opening up of info that caused you to take antidepressants. If yes, did the meds help you?
Thank you for your time and responses in advance.
Had a very sad night lastnight. It is so hard to live with someone who doesn't speak much to me and you don't really know what his going on in his PRIVATE LIFE, or when he plans to leave,,,.
I went on antidepressants shortly after D-Day. It helped level out the extreme emotional troughs I was going through. They take the edge off your depression, and allow you to consider things with more perspective.
The fact that you may have reactive depression, or long-term clinical depression is neither here nor there, they are simply a tool to help you cope. I view them in the same light as a painkiller when you are in severe pain. There is no stigma in taking them. If you think that you can cope with the emotional pain and depression on your own, then great, otherwise they can be a great help.
You don't have to stay on them forever - schedule a review after 6 months of being on them and see how you feel then.
I have recently come off mine, and thank goodness they were an option when I felt like my life was falling apart.
Either way, it is your decision.
Dave
This message has been edited by shoozul on Jun 5, 2007 9:56 AM This message has been edited by shoozul on Jun 5, 2007 9:56 AM
I have been on anti-depressants and, if they do work, they can help you control your mood while you get therapy, but you MUST get IC while on them otherwise you are only masking the problem.
Also, if you go on them, be aware of the side effects and that it may take 2 or 3 different types of meds before you get it right. These meds are prescribed by trial and error, there is no other way to know which will work best for you. Also, you may get worse on some of them, so make sure you are not alone while going through this. You need to have someone outside your head who can see if you get worse.
Lastly, if you start, do not stop them without being monitored by a doctor. I did because I had no doctor available to me anf thought I could handle it. I had been on them 4 years and went through major withdrawl. H actually took the day off work and monitored me while I slept through it (all I wanted was to sleep and make the pain go away). We later realized he should have brought me to an ER.
As scary as that sounds, I do know that I felt better on them. I was emotionally normal and didn't have the panic attacks I do now. Then again, I no longer cried in happiness (not a tear at my wedding) or sadness (when my workplace burned to ground and I lost everything work related). It is a trade off.
I, too, went on antidepressants about ten months after Dday #2 after I started IC. I was in very bad shape, and meds absolutely made a huge difference for me. I have been on them for two years now and am in the process of weaning off them. I agree with everything the others wrote. When we are suffering and help is available, using meds and IC can help us shorten the length of time spent suffering and the magnitude.
I'm sorry you are hurting so much. I know your H is not helping you at all.
I too am on anti-depressants. I resisted going on them for a long time but about 6 weeks after d-day 5 I was in chat talking with El and she convinced me to call the doctor. When I went in he placed me on effexor and it has helped me a lot. After d-day 5 I was able to get my kids to school but that was it...they'd leave and I'd go lay back down. I became a functioning mom again and it helped. I'm now going to make an appointment to begin weaning off of them.
I felt there was a stigma attached...but I could care less who knows now...it has helped.
Denise
"Our lives begin to end when we become silent about things"
The funny thing is that now that I have been on meds for about two years, every time I have said I am on them, someone has said that s/he is either on them or has been on them. I have the feeling that a lot more people around us are on them than we realize.
Depression is a serious medical condition. If we wouldn't hesitate to get help, including meds, for other serious medical conditions, then we shouldn't avoid getting help for depression either.
WEll about this time last yr I went to the doctor because i was haveing chest pains and was just feeling like killing myself. over everything that i had found out. for a month i was on 6 different kinds and all of them messed with me. now i'm not trying to scare you just telling my story. i can not take any of them i have tryed before in 99 when things went to hell . this last time my mouth and throat swelled up and i couldn't move off the couch for 5 hours because i was having a reaction to the last pill that was giving to me.
the only thing i can take is zanax it is for anxiety and it helps me a lot . but at the time the doc i was seeing wouldn't give it to me she gave me a small does.
I have just been working on my feeling on my own. cause drugs and me dont get alone at all. sometimes i wish i could take them and there is other times i'm glad i can't. this is my 2 cents
just make sure you read up on any drugs you are going to take and be away of any side affect you are having...
good luck with this.
Taking meds is a very personal choice and there is no right or wrong - only what is right for you.
I actually started IC about a year and a half before D Day - my life was falling apart - H never there, son leaving home - I was depressed and went on Wellbutrin then. It was really helpful - allowed me to think more clearly, took the edge off the depression and made IC more effective, I think. Also quit smoking which Wellbutrin is known to help with. Went off meds after about a year and then wham - D Day.
I became a mad woman - incoherent and sobbing through IC. SO went back on Wellbutrin. Continued to be very obsessive, could not think about anything but A's, couldn't sleep, couldn't focus. IC suggested a "cocktail" of Zoloft (in a small dose), which helps with obsessing and Wellbutrin, which could buffer some of the less pleasant side effects of Zoloft. My IC is a psychiatrist and able to prescribe medication so she and I would talk about the meds and their effects during our sessions. She would constantly be evaluating my "affect" as she called it.
I found the "cocktail" to be highly, highly effective. My mood shifted and I was able to get out from under the darkness and begin to see the light. About a month ago, I went off Zoloft, very slowly, and am now only on Wellbutrin. Agreed with IC that we would re-assess that in a couple of weeks.
I also became a major insomniac and just couldn't sleep for days on end. Took some pills to help with that as lack of sleep and trauma are not a good combination. Still have trouble sleeping but I always have - even before all of this.
So, as you can see, I believe in medication and I believe it helped me a lot. But also think that it needs to be closely monitored and regularly re-evaluated. But that's just my experience and everyone is effected differently.
There are others here who did not take medication and have also found their way through the horror. I hope you will find peace, regardless of how.
I haven't gone on antidepressants yet, but I will probabably see a Doc and go on them before long...
My husband is taking Zoloft...but he isn't doing it properly...he takes them as prescribed, then during the evening time, every day, he drinks alcohol fairly heavily.. so it seems like the Zoloft isn't helping him. It is OK to have the occasional drink while on the anti depressants...just read the label, carefully, and talk with the Doc about side effects, and about what you can and can't eat or drink while on the med
I resisted taking anti-depressants after I got divorced a few years back until I was an absolute basket case. I finally took them because I couldn't afford to be ineffective at work, I was completely losing it. It made a huge difference and I was able to function at my job without sobbing at random moments. After a few months, I started to feel completely disconnected from my life and went off of them. But, I'd gained enough balance and separation from what was going on that I could face my issues. It helped me get through a really tough time.
I have thought about going to get more to get through the A but just haven't gotten around to it yet. I think if I probably wouldn't be able to handle what you're going throught without a little help.
I am sorry that you feel so bad. It is concerning that your psychotherapist says that your 'problems are too huge'. He/she does not sound like a very good therapist. Could you get a more sympathetic one?
The answer to your question lies in the question itself:
How would antidepressants help my awful day to day living? I feel worthless, hopeless, stressed, sad, angry, anxious,,,,,.
This was exactly how I felt. After 2 years of d-days, not sleeping, constant stress etc, I went to my doctors and burst out crying. She put me on fluoxetine. Being depressed is like being underwater. After about 3 weeks I started to come back to the surface. I no longer wanted to sleep all day, I functioned better as a mother, I no longer felt crippled by anxiety.
I think there is a common misconception that anti-depressants either turn you into a zombie or make you feel happy. Neither is true; what they do is allow you to function without being crippled by anxiety and hopeless thinking. The rest is up to you and it sounds like you would definitely benefit from counselling.
At the time my doctor told me that often we don't realise how bad things had got until we start feeling better. It is certainly true. I look back now and can't believe that I kept going, the mess I was in. I cried on my way to work, I cried on my way home, I walked around in a daze, left my kids watching tv while I slept...
Taking meds will just be the first step in your recovery but I promise, it will take away some of the hopelessness that keeps you down.
at age 44 I had NEVER had a need for antidepressant medication, until the A. Around 8 months after D-day, I was so depressed I was really struggling to get thru each day. I was so wrapped up in the pain, I know I was not being the good parent I know I am and I needed to change that. It was also much more difficult to continue working thru the A issues and work on our relationship and healing.
I reluctantly went to the dr and got meds. I tried Zoloft first, but I became a zombie (flat mood is what she called it), then switched to Cymbalta. That worked good on keeping me 'above water' but found I had great difficulty focusing on work. But it did help me to separate from the pain.
I weaned off at 6 mos, the dr reluctantly agreed, but found after 2-3 months, I was back where I was. It is generally recommended to stay on the meds for a year minimum, once you start.
I went to Wellbutrin after that, 1/2 dose at first for several months, then had to increase to normal dose. stayed on that dose for several months and am now back to the 1/2 dose. I found Wellbutrin has worked well for me. It's been a year this time and since this one seems to have fewer negative side affects, I plan to stay on a bit longer. Perhaps weaning off by year end.
Looking back, I should have done it sooner and should not have quit so early. I was stubborn and felt I could do this all myself and did not need any help. I was wrong. I felt like getting this sort of help meant I was weak and life had defeated me. I know now how untrue this is. I think it is the prolonged nature of healing from this that takes it's toll on us emotionally. It is facing the pain every day, almost every minute for months/years, with little relief from it. Healing together involves dissecting all of the emotions involved - no escape from this. Once we arrive at the other side - the relief comes. I feel the meds have helped me to get thru the brunt of the emotional impact the A delivered. I often feel today (2.5 yrs post d day) that I have reached the other side.....thank God.
My prayers are with you as you navigate this and make this hard decision regarding whether to choose (or not) medication to help you. I know how hard it is to make that decision.
I have also been thinking of asking my Dr. to prescribe an anti-depressant for me. I took Zoloft about 10 years ago for 6 months when I was really at a low point in my life and it worked wonders for me. What I remember most about the way I was then was the constant ache in my chest like I had a perpetual broken heart. The Zoloft took that away and like others have said, it helped me to see things a little more clearly and not so much like I was looking up from a dark hole. I actually don't feel as bad as I did then, but, like you, I still am feeling anxious, worthless and depressed alot. It seems to go with the territory.
I say give it a try. One nice thing is that many of the antidepressants are now available in generic so you can save a little money. I hope that your Dr. will help you find one that works best for you and you will find some relief. (((HUGS)))
Antidepressants got me on this bored in the first place
June 14 2007, 10:03 AM
Actually I know they can do a lot of good but i think only in the right context and they can be very dangerous.
I'm am pretty convinced the A would never have happened if my W had not been on antidepressents, and she thinks the same.
Yes there we're problems in our relationship, but antidepressants change how you act in situations. The only way I am reconciling this in my head is comparing it to when you are drunk - you do things you wouldn't do when sober, but your motives are unchanged. Had she not been on antidepressents she would still have wanted the A, but I believe she wouldn't have gone through with it, or stopped it as soon as it started, but instead her inhibitions, her sense of what was important to her, her love for me even, were dulled.
I understand that you are looking for something to blame your W's behavior on, but I'm not sure antidepressants are the source. I have been on them for two years now (and plenty of other people at this site have also been on them), but NOT once have I changed my fundamental beliefs because of being on meds. They may be the reason why I didn't commit suicide (which I felt the urge to do), but I never felt the urge to commit adultery.
If antidepressants were the problem, then doesn't it make sense that people would do all kinds of antisocial behaviors while on meds, and they don't. If they did, would antidepressants still be on the market?
I respectfully disagree. If you and your wife want to discover why she could give herself permission to have an A, she will need to dig deep inside herself, look at her childhood, and her value system. I believe it is there she will find the answers you so want.
You are possibly right, but I still believe there is some truth in what I was saying, but articulated badly. I'll try again slightly calmer because I think the point actually is worth making.
Certain antidepressents, particularly at high doses (my wife was on a very high dose - I think perhaps the GP was being silly, the GP admitted to never having prescibed that high a dose before) can lead to depersonalization - a feeling where the world is less real, or that they are not really taking part fully in the world around them. I am totally convinced that one incident at least (even if not the A) was due to this. Basically should you suffer from this side effect then you are vulnerable to being taken advantage of.
I am not saying that antidepressants will cause affairs - thats stupid, but they could leave you numb. My fear would be that they would stop the pain in the short term, but also risk stopping you caring.
Of course the answer is just to be aware. If you take them and do start to feel detached and distant then just talk to your GP - they aren't right for you.
Sorry the first response was a little off. It was from the heart but selfish. I hope I've made the point I meant to this time.
It is scary that your W's doctor prescribed antidepressants without a good understanding of what s/he was doing. Anti-Ds are powerful and can cause horrible side effects.
I'm scared!
Certainly, under normal circumstances, antidepressants work to level out the highs and the lows.
Regardless of whether or not the meds played a role, I still believe your wife needs to have a clear understanding of boundaries.
Certainly. I'll keep this short so not to hijack the thread. But I want to make clear I'm not allowing the meds to be an excuse or a reason. Like I said, no drugs can change your motives or reasons. She has lots of issues. I just think in this case the drugs made things worse not better.
Hey, it is certainly a possibility. There are folks here who have taken meds, and those who have chosen not to. But obviously you know your W has issues to confront. That awareness is a big step to dealing with the A.
You are NOT wrecking anything! You are here because you are in shock, devastated, wounded to the core, feeling worthless, angry, and any other adjectives you can think of.
You ARE at the right place, but you are so early in this long journey that you don't have the tools yet that those of us who have been dealing with the A for years have.
I'm sorry something I wrote hurt you. That is NEVER my intention. I was thinking that if you were a rotten H, you would have used this as an excuse to abuse her, but what I am seeing here is a man who is hurt, but who loves his wife and wants to understand what went wrong, so he, she, and their marriage can heal.
Please don't think you are here too soon. You are here because you are looking for support, and you WILL get it here.
Adam, you brought up a good point in that anti-depressants work for some people but, for others, there can be unexpected side effects. I can attest to the numbness that higher dosages can bring on.
Ironically, I probably one of the few here who won't go on meds because of the A. Throughout this all, I have not been depressed, but I have been terribly sad. How do I know the difference? I suffer from the other type of depression - the one that seems not situational and may be a form of mental illness (but with no GP to recommend me to a psychiatric specialist, that diagnosis will have to wait). While it is no exzcuse for an A, I can understand wanting to somethign, anything, to feel something other than numb. This can lead to extreme behaviour in order to feel something.
As for those of you taking, might take in the future, meds for situational depression, don't let these stories scare you off. The after affects of an A cause numbness too and, if meds are what you need to get back to living, then take them. We all need all the help we can get.
