15th October will be the one year anniversary of D-Day for us...I don't feel like we are making any progress in rebuilding our marriage..we have had some M.C..I still go to I.C...my husband stopped going due to work shifts... In the last two weeks he started working days,, 6 -10 hour shifts, but before the change to days, he worked midnite shift(6 ten hour shifts for the last six months) so even though we did MC while he was on nites, we only got to spend two or three hours with each other 3 times a week. I do 12 hour shifts, days..since H switched hours, we are now physically in the same house about 2 or 3 hours a nite...
He still doesn't get it...he seems to think the problems in our marriage are my doing(sex not enough in frequency, or adventureousness), in fact he has been obsessed with sex, he feels like our marriage would be ok if only I could find it within myself to step up and get with his program , and do what he wants when he wants...he is still taking herbal pills that enhance sexual performance(even though we haven't been together sexually since d-day),he hasn't been honest with me about his activities,he even bought a laptop computer a couple of months ago, he managed to keep his using it, hidden from me for a month ( hid it in the trunk of his car) He resents it when he finds out I've checked up on him...He doesn't want to bring the laptop into the house,he told me it was because he was afraid I would put spyware on it. His behavior tells me that as long as we are'nt having sex yet, that I deserve the lies, he even pretty much told me that one day--"I don't think you have it in you to satisfy me" "I don't have much hope, so I'm excused for doing what I want" At this point, with his attitude as it is, I'm not sure I love him enough, to try to rebuild...
I don't want to be living under the threat that if I don't do something the way he wants, to his standards, then he'll cheat again..he doesn't get this..even though we've talked about it...how do you make somebody truly understand?
Since d-day you haven't been able to have sex with H BECAUSE HE BROKE ALL TRUST you may have had in him. I know how that is... it's very difficult to be vulnerable to someone if you don't have trust or faith that they truely love you and want the best for you and the relationship.
His criticism and demands seem short sited and childish... he has no insite as to why you are reacting the way you are... He has not looked within himself to see what is wrong with him!
You should start taking care of you... state your own boundaries as far as H and his activities are concerned. (But be ready to follow through). If that lap top in the trunk is a sticking point, then state that he must be transparent and allow you access to it. If not, then you will have to reconcider your commitment to the marriage and plan to ________________ (fill in the blank as the consequence you are ready to make for YOURSELF). Example responses: ask him to leave, refuse to continue doing usual chores or activities that H is accustomed to from you, file for legal seperation or divorce, etc...
I know it isn't easy, but the WS who doesn't even try to "get it" needs a real push (or better yet a 2x4 upside the head).
Good Luck and remember you are worth more than what your H is giving you (of himself). TAKE CARE OF YOU!
Diane
This message has been edited by DianeRow on Jun 7, 2007 12:08 PM
Of course, his comment/question could easily be turned around... (i.e. does he have it in HIM to turn himself around and focus on his marraige and sacrifice himself for to rebuild it?)
Sexuality is a natural outgrowth of a mature, loving relationship. When a husband is loving his wife through sex, he doesn't demand that she perform certain acts, but he is willing to allow himself to engage in sexual behavior that is fulfilling to her, and when a wife is loving her husband through sex the same thing occurs. It's when we put hangups, inexperience, selfishness, and immaturity into the mix that we get conflict in our relationships over sex.
Why does he want to keep the laptop hidden, and what is he using it for? I can think of several possiblities, but they are only guesses.
You're right. From what you wrote, he doesnt get it, not even a little. It takes two people to have a marriage, and it takes an extreme amount of effort to rebuild after an A. It doesnt sound like he is willing to do any of the work so of course there is no way you are going to be able to rebuild by yourself. Trust me...been there, done that, and it doesnt work!
To me, the laptop is a BIG redflag. If he were remorseful he wouldnt care if you checked up on him because he wouldnt be doing anything deceitful. So, you have to ask yourself if this is the way you want to live your life? If not, then you have choices to make...serious choices. I am curious however, what does your MC say about the laptop and your WH's blaming you for the A? If the MC isnt calling your WH on these things, I would look for another MC. Just my opinion.
I am sorry this is so frustrating and painful for you ((((hugs))))
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
