I am trying the 180 thing (I know, do, not try, but it is an isolating task in my circumstance), reading the books and white knuckling through it all. Thing is, I get panic atatcks that he won't notice I'm not there (and take deep breaths to calm them) and feel sick to my stomach all the time. Any advice on what to do to make myself feel better that won't cost mega $$?

So far, I have been reading non-R books, watching TV (though last night I found an episode of ER about a wedding. I liked it but...) and have plans to rent a bike this weekend and go for a bike ride along the canal. My long term plans are to figure out if there is a cheap bike I can buy that would fit in the back of my hatchback (I'm to cheap to buy a bike carrier)so I can do that more often (the drivers where I live are nuts and see bicyclists as moving targets).

What dod/did you do to get through the rough parts?

Chinook

Keep telling yourself that YOU are not the one who messed up. Remember that you are the ONLY person you must live with, so you need to be good to yourself. Be your OWN best friend. When you are doing the 180, you are giving yourself permission in a way to enjoy YOUR life. If that means spending weekends going for solo bike rides, poking through second-hand shops, taking walks, going for coffee, catching a cheap movie, then do those things. DO NOT WAIT for H to do them with you. Do not worry about doing activities that he likes or dislikes. Show him and yourself that you have you own life and that you are not afraid to live it. Journaling is cheap and can be quite theraputic. Go to the library and check out books and movies (well, we can check out movies from our local library) and don't feel guilty for reading or watching them. Remember that when you are doing the 180, you are ONLY taking care of yourself, so that means you have more time to spend doing the activities that you enjoy. Start a new hobby. Find free lectures to attend. Go to outdoor activities, like art festivals. Go wild decorating YOUR room the way you want with NO input from H. Find new hobbies. Take a class--sometimes high schools or park districts offer fun classes that don't cost much. Rediscover old hobbies. The main thing is to focus on you!

Oh yeah, come here and share your triumphs, fears, sadness and joy with the terrific folks at HH because they understand.

Encouraging, proud of you fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

PS For what it is worth, sometimes police departments in the states sell bikes that have been found and not claimed, so perhaps you could call your local police department and ask about that. Bike shops often sell used bikes too.

Are there any opportunities for you to become involved with other people, such as family, church, or club activities? How about community activites, maybe spending time working on community projects? I found that keeping busy with people or hands-on tasks is a good way to avoid the thoughts you're talking about.

TomJ

What do I do to hurdle the rough parts?

First: Talk/share my thoughts and emotions with someone who cares.

Second: Be patient. Know that a storm passes and a calm steps in.

Peace to you.

Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ

I focused on ME. In started going to IC and I got stronger. I realized the A wasnt about me, these are HIS issues and choices. And I decided I was no longer going to be HIS doormat. I vented here a lot and I journaled.

I started hanging out more with friends, going to lunch and breakfast. I even went to a few movies by myself (I love movies, WH doesnt). I got a massage! I started walking more. And I am now thinking bout getting my motorcycle license and taking yoga classes. I am doing things that I have always wanted to do and enjoyed, and I am happier with ME and I have more self esteem.

My advice: Do things that make you happy and keep you busy. Focus on YOU

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Yes, I'd recommend all the same things. I looked up old friends I hadn't been in touch with for years. I went through my old photos. I put old diaries in order. I started writing a journal of how I felt each day. I booked tickets for events. I made a point of saying YES to any invitation (even when I didn't feel like doing anything but wallowing). I started going to the gym, swimming, loads of walks in the countryside. I spent money on myself and didn't feel guilty about doing it. I got books about anything and everything and learned as much as I could. Yes, it made me feel better. I wasn't waiting for my WS to make me feel better (she couldn't anyway) and I felt I was taking control of my life back.

I hope you find a way to make yourself feel better.

Sam.

Thanks for all the advice. I am trying my best not to wallow and the panic attacks only happen 2 or 3 times a day now. I wish I could journal, but I find myself just dwelling when I do it. I am looking forward to my bike ride tommorrow - the first in 7 years (I haven't done this since I lived in Japan, and long before I met H) I have to admit, though, that I wish money wasn't an issue. I just keep hearing a practical voice telling me that I should be saving to pay for my move (to where family and friends are). But, a whiny voice counters that maybe I won't have to, maybe he will take me back and why should I have to pay!

Here is another question - is it back sliding if I go to meet H for a movie tonight (I'm doing it anway, I'm just curious about your opinions). He asked me (and has asked me every night this week to come by and see him. I have been finding other stuff to do) and I keep thinking that we can't see if we work as ac ouple if I stay away completly, right?

I guess I just wish I had a crystal ball that would tell me if , 8 months from now, we are together. I could handle knowing we aren;t, it is the uncertainty that is driving me nuts!

And that is why I am going bike riding tommorrow. I need the fresh air and a feeling like I am doing something again.

Chinook

Not backsliding at all. You're going forward with an open mind and seeking the truth. That's always a positive.

Our divorce papers were signed and sealed, but not delivered. That was 5 months ago. I'm sure glad now they weren't delivered.

Best of luck.

Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ

I can't say if it is or isn't backsliding. My advice, however, is to keep everything low key. Act friendly, but don't hold his hand, or do anything overtly romantic. Don't discuss your personal situation. Don't ask about OW. Don't talk about the A. Just act as though you have just met and don't yet have much to talk about. Make sure you dress nicely, look pretty, smell good, etc., etc. Make him keenly aware that you ARE an attractive, fun, intelligent woman. Maybe your positive image will make an impression on him as to what he is risking losing by his poor choices.

Above all, do NOT have sex with him. I know you may (or may not) want to because he is your H, you are attracted to him, and you do love him, but remember that you are NOT a convenience for him when OW is not around. Having sex is a privilege, not a right, and presently he has abrogated any chance of having sex with you.

Just my fairy cents' worth. I just don't want you to get hurt more than you already have been. It is interesting that you have declined his invitations and he has continued to ask you. It sounds like the 180 may be starting to work.

Empowering fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

edited to add that you can't work as a couple if he doesn't stop contact with OW. Don't take on the feelings that your instituting the 180 is what is preventing you from acting as a couple. His behavior, choices, and involvement with OW are what is preventing your being a couple!

It takes time to get over the heartache, at one point, i wanted to throw myself in front of a train, only the thought of my three sons kept me from doing that. How would they deal with the loss? I know they would be devastated and couldn't bear the thought of causing them so much pain. One book that really helped is "When your lover is a liar: healing the wounds of deception and betrayal" by Susan Forward, Ph.D. There a web site that is also very informative "takebackyourheart.com"

Chinook,

How are you doing today? Did you see the movie with H?

Just thinking about you and sending you encouraging fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

Well, this weekend was interesting. I ended up having one glass of wine too many Friday night and spent the night. But, at 4 a.m., I was wide awake, so I woke H up to lock the door behind me and left. When he asked why, I pointed out that I had no change of clothes or toothbrush and he was planning on sleeping in while I was going for a bike ride later. I left wihtout looking back and went for a lovely ride later.

By the time I was done, I checked my messages and he was runnignerrands onmy side of town and offered to meet for cofffee. We did and then, together, we went searching for a new bike for me. I not only got one, but he was also jealous of the fact that I could by one on zero notice. He kept saying how he would like to get one himself and go for a bike ride with me.

I ended up moving some more stuff over to his place Sat. and we spent the evening doing normal stuff - he cleaned out the closet where I will be and polished boots, I played video games and watched TV. We also saw a movie and I spent the night rather than have to leave at midnight again for the long drive. The next day we puttered around and I went for a bike ride alone (he said he was jealous). We ended uplooking to see if we could find him a cheap bike (o) and he said it was too bad he spent all his money on "liquor and whores." I just nodded in agreement while I cheered inside.

It was a good weekend but I know it is only a start. He keeps saying how it wants us to have the summer to see if we can work things out, and I told him I am preparing for 2 possible futures. But, if we can have more times like this weekend, maybe we'll make it?

Chinook

Oh Chinook,

I do so hope you will make it. I know you want nothing more than for your H to wake up and realize he is in danger of losing his precious wife. I am glad you had a good weekend.

Happy fairy hugs,

fairyfriend