I googled H's name (found nothing) and the checked him out on Facebook (he knows I had an account to see my new nephew's photos & contact old high school friends) and found him. The only friends lists are the OW and another woman out in Winnipeg (2 provinces away).
Now, he has never kept anything secret from me, so this is nto a shock. But, then again it is because I have never before seen a pic of the OW. I sent him a message via Facebook to let him know I know (I lied though, tomake it look like I'm not paranoid - I told him my Dad found him. Makes sense - my family is starting to get into the Facebook thing and every so often I get a request to become one of their friends).
So, was I totally stupid. Things are starting to go well for us, but, I also needed to know if he was being on the up and up. I guess,if he lets me view his profile, that will prove something. But, still, I'm shaking from my stupidity. I am so much better off not knowing - I like living in the state of denial. It is safe there.
You have NO hope of keeping your marriage intact and healthy as long as your H is keeping secrets from you. If he wants your marriage to succeed, he MUST establish NC with OW and that includes removing her from websites, email addies, cellphones, etc. But from what you have written, your H has pretty much told you that he has no intention of giving up OW regardless of what you say or do.
Around here we call that fence-sitting.
He'll stay perched on that fence as long as no one does anything to force him to one side or the other.
I deserve a loving marriage. But, I don't get that and probably never will (at 32 and never having a serious relationship before H, that is a reality I accept). In life , we don't get what we deserve, we get what we can survive - if we are lucky.
Yes, you do deserve a loving marriage, and now that you have learned the painful lessons of infidelity, you can stand firm and set your boundaries. We can only set our own boundaries and make the consequences of overstepping those boundaries clear to others, and then enforce those consequences. I believe when we do so, we are telling others that we respect ourselves and that we will not tolerate being treated disrespectfully. (In turn, I believe we should treat others with respect, too.) I believe that you CAN have a loving marriage whether it is with your H or someone else.
I know you may thank 32 is old, but dear Chinook, it isn't. Like you, I didn't marry until I was 28, almost 29. Now at 51, almost 52, I strongly believe that if something happened that I found myself single, I could have another happy marriage if I chose to. I have the utmost confidence that you can too!
Okay, so I saw H last night (I was moving stuff from my place to his place) and he brought up Facebook. Turns out he signed up for it before he realized how public it is and has never eally done anythign with it (from what I can see of his page, he's not lieing). He also apologized because he never wants to rub my face in what is going on. He also said that he is going to cancel it (though he wouldn't clarify if it is because I know or because he had forgotten it is there and he is big about his privacy in general).
Thing is, this put me in a bad mood - the first i had been in weeks around him. What does he say - "we always fight and you ruin the enritre day." I stopped him on this point because I am sick and tired of not getting credit for our normal and good days and for being blamed for it. I pointed out that we only fight maybe 50% of the time, a lot less than before, and this time I had a good reason for being in a "strange mood." He had no response to this but we did shift to a calmer conversation about our relaitonship. I told him I am prepared to move out in Sept., when I can find work teaching in Alberta, if he can't choose to be with jus tme. In the meantime, I ma staying here because I have work and because I want us to work. He said he doesn't know how things will turn out but he looked me in the eye and said he can't imagine a life without me in it. I point blank told him I can't play second string. He tried to explain that it isn't like that but stopped in mid-sentence because he knows it is. Instead, he changed tacts and said how, even without OW, he needed more space and time alone (we were one of those couples that spent every second we could together). I agreed and said, if we make this permanent, things will be different. I also said I will be asking him once a week (but no more)if he has decided her or me and that,until I hear otherwise, I am assuming his choice is her (my heart couldn't survive another heartbreak). He just kept saying that a lot can change in a few months and he just needs time.
On the plus side, I was able to do the entire ocnversation with only a few tears trickling out the corner of my eye, a huge improvement from the uncontrollable sobs I usually get, which he claims are manipulative but arent' because I can't stop them.
Now it is time to go back to living in a false denial while I wait for him to realize that the only way he is going to keep me in his life is if he stays true to his marriage vows. In the meantime, I look for moving quotes and gather the courage to tell my Mom what is going on when she comes for a visit in a month (on business, so she is at a hotel)but, I will probably chicken out at that.
I am impressed by how well you handled that situation. You stayed calm, rational, and in control of yourself. You also stood up for yourself and refused to accept his blame shifting.
You rock! Keep showing him that you have your OWN life to live.
Next
get all your ducks in a row so if things don't wok out you are ready to move on with your life.
You need to apply for the teaching jobs that may be opening up, in Alberta or where ever else you want to live.
Speak to a lawyer about a divorce if that happens so you are prepared.
Make lists of things that are in the house that are yours and that you will be taking with you if you leave. kitchen stuff that you like...save money for the move and down payments on the apt.
search out apts that allow pets in the areas you may decide to go if things don't work out
Join the local bike club...the owner of the bike shop will have knowledge of groups that bike together...nice way to met new people
You are doing great!!!!
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
