its me again.. I would like to know if this was ok or not.. MY H has A EX-coworker. she works at the hosptail. now he says they became really good friends. anyhow it has been like 3 or 4 yr since he has worked for her and he calls her all the times and try all the time to go see her and the other female workers ... funny it is never men.
anyhow.. I dont like her I have meet her even worked for her for 2 weeks and i dont trust her at all. well today he came home with the ever so look of hidding something...i asked what was going on he did his nothing saying so i go after him i no I shouldnt but he is suppose to be working on being honest with me. so he said well maybe cause i was talking to her . well anyhow he got all pissed and starting making up **** like well i was asked to go work downtown and i had to thinking about it so iwould be able to see her.. anyhow we spent the afternoon not speaking when i wanted to talk he said no you have pissed me off i dont want to talk to you so before he left for work i went and asked him how long is this going to go on..
see it sends red flag when he get all worked up about crap like this I dont understand there friendship i really dont she is married her kids are grow and out of the house i just dont get it and when i ask he told me i wouldn't understand. anyhow i told him tonight i dont like her and i dont think he needs to always find a way to go see her. if they need to talk call on the phone and he will not talk to her around me.. so that makes me feel like there is something going on...I"M i wrong for telling him I dont like her?
he asked me tonight what he has to do to make me stop freakin out over stupid things. sometimes i feel that i'm wrong in telling him he not aloud to have her as a friend or any of the other women from work. ughh i just dont know how to handle this..
ok one more thing i went snooping and found that he had sent a gal from work an ecard . the heading was hey babe. whats up. then he wrote that he tryed to go see her at work but she had the day off and he would try to catch her again.
so here is the kicker. he sent me the same card yesterday. but changed the last part. of course. so i sent it back to him.. and when he opened it he looked at me and said oh you just sent it back to me.. it took all my power not to tell him i new he sent the same one to another women...
ok i'm sure none of this make any since lol sorry just need to get this out and I"m just feeling as if he is not changing.
ohhh and he told me he was upset and didn't remember intill after the fight that he got is write up from work he got into trouble and that is what his look was for.. he just didn't think of it intill after i was yelling at him and he was too pissed to talk to me about it...
i did tell him i think he is pulling sh*t again and he just wanted to make me mad so whatever he was doing would make it alright since i was already upset..
how do you handle female coworker. when you spouse has shown that he is not trust worthy . how do you talk about how you feel when he tells me he is tired of feeling like he can not have friends? how do you come to an even ground about this.?
thanks for reading this .
april
No married man needs to be calling , seeing women friends...if he can not talk to her in front of you then he has a problem...that friendship is not a healthy friendship., even if it hasn't crossed the line. He is not acting in an honorable manner.
Your H broke the trust ...he is the one who has to earn your trust...he is not changing in a way that makes you feel secure...he is adding to your insecurity.
Your H's contact with other women should be on a professional basis only...friends are those people who are friends of the marriage...if you were meeting men for dinner and talking to them on the phone and they were just friends, your H would also question your activities.
I don't think that he understands the hurt he has caused you...
((((hugs))))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
thanks pat... thanks big time i needed this right now..
you know my H thinks that there is nothing wrong with friends and he tells me it not his fault that i dont like any of them. and that i'm just being a B*tch about them all. for real that is what he told me. he said well if i invite them over you would have any fun with them..
basically he think he has not hurt me and what he has done in the past has been harmless .. simply that is that with him. I dont know. I just want to heal and move on with all of this.. how can i have dinner with people i dont like.. lol..
OHH i forgot to add he has told me he wouldn't care about me and other male friends cause he said at least then I wouldn't be bothering him over his....
This message has been edited by sweetbutfoolish on Jun 12, 2007 9:15 PM
Maintaining personal relationships with members of the opposite sex, especially personal relationships that exclude the betrayed spouse is not a good way for your husband to rebuid trust and integrity with you. Don't accept what you find unacceptable.
In my view the issue is not between you and this woman, but between you and your husband. I believe it's important that HE set the boundary with this woman. Your job is only to address with him how his actions related to relationship is a boundary breaker for you. If you feel your boundaries are being broken, then find an effective, non-ultimatium way to insure he knows that you do not accept this.
>OHH i forgot to add he has told me he wouldn't care about me and other male friends cause he said at least then I wouldn't be bothering him over his....
I suspect that he's saying this because he thinks it doesn't threaten him.
TomJ
This message has been edited by tomj76 on Jun 12, 2007 9:32 PM
I know this has nothing to do with her . only that she called him today.why i guess to complain about her job. I guess all in all I feel that sometimes he make his friends more imporant then me. and him asking me what is going to help me to get over all of this make me mad when he has been told what will help but he just seem to keep wanting me to give in and leave it alone.
I have told him well then make friend that we both can get alone with and you haven't bad talk or flirted with. that hasn't happen yet..
and no he doesn't feel threaten from other men cause i would never do that.. and he knows it.. so he can't see that .. as a point being made to him.
I'm just tired of being told from H well fine them I wont have any friends and live like a herment like you do.. then we both can be happy...
I was just thinking about this. since my H has never sleep with another women he has kissed and touch other women and written detailed emails about what he would like to do to them. is this why he feels that what he has done is really not that bad? cause he always tells me I have never cheated on you. HOW to you express that either way it still hurts and makes me wonder why he will do it? see I feel that I"M fighting a battle with him over his way of thinking everything he has done is harmless. and with this way of thinking will he never see that fact that he has hurt me and that is why i get upset over things like today?
This message has been edited by sweetbutfoolish on Jun 12, 2007 9:54 PM
As Pat and Tom have stated you are not wrong, it is your H that has problems with boundaries.
I understand you have your reasons for deciding to stay in your marriage. Staying is a very personal decision and one only each individual can make for themselves. I respect your decision. But with the decision you have to understand that the only one you have any power over is you. You cannot make your H see what he has no desire to see. The only power to change you have is to change how you interact with him.
There is a book called the Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner. It can help you see your part in the cycles you are in with you H, and show you where your power is. I also recommend getting some individual counseling for yourself, a good counselor can help you through the healing process.
thanks for the advice.. and after late last night and talking with H.. I'm just stupid and over react and because i have no friends and can't keep them I waste to much time finding stupid things to rag on him about..so sorry for wasting all of your time. with all of this seem there are a lot more people who are and have been hurt a lot deeper then me, and I need to stop takin the time away from them...
thank for always trying to help me..... may all of you find the healing you all need...
You're not wasting anyone's time and you're not using resources that someone else deserves. You've been betrayed and to say otherwise is a denial of the truth.
Why do you suspect that your husband seems to focus on having female friends rather than male friends?
You are so beaten down by your H's behavior that you criticize and devalue yourself. Sweetie, you are NOT imagining his petulant, immature behavior. YOU are his wife. He needs to ask himself why he feels the need to exclude you from his life and seek out other women's attention.
That is HIS problem that affects you and your marriage, but HE is wrong here, NOT YOU!!
Sorry for shouting, but I'm NOT happy with your H. You deserve better than he is treating you. Please believe that, April.
Tom to answer your Question MY H has 2 male friends he keep in contact with they are old childhood friends . But they also cheat on there wifes.
as for CO-worker friends I only know of one male friends and he give my H porn. as for the female as it was stated to me last night they are not friends they are co-workers who he flirts with. I was told last night that only a few of the female he would call friends. but he has had feelings for both them at one time.
as for what Fairy was talking about I was told that since I dont like any of his Friends and I wont go to dinner or movies or have them over then he keeps them away from me for that reason. he told me that I have made the choice not to like any of his friends. he like they way the other female react to him. he told me it makes him feel wanted because i dont not make him feel wanted. all i do is complain about the kids and him and I"m never happy. and the other female are always wanting him. and he likes that...
Today I feel confused because it seem the only way i can let go of all of this feeling is to shut him out.
I truly feel as if I"m making something out of nothing. maybe that is what he wants me to think i dont know.But why would i want to go to dinner or movies with people he has feeling for or he has talk crap about me . and I wonder what he would do if i called them all up to have a party..
He told me last night that he is only doing thing that he thinks will make me happy.and I"m thinking would he do think because he wants to make me happy. I dont understand this marriage. and I dont understand how the hell i grow some balls and stop caring and wondering what he is doing all the time because it has been a yr since i found the blog and the other women and it has only been a month since the last flirting women.
I"M really trying to somehow work on myself but for some reason I can't stop loving and caring .I dont want to change my H I know i can't but what i do want is him to understand what he is doing is wrong.and to stop making me feel like I"m doing everything wrong.
OK about me I have tryed to do some of the 180 list but its seem that I"m the kind of person who either completly shut people out of my life or I keeping in there face about things I just can't seem to find the middle ground yet.. ughhh
This statment is ridiculous of your H in so many ways: "MY H has A EX-coworker. she works at the hosptail. now he says they became really good friends."
How does he have time to become REALLY GOOD friends with an EX-corker when he should be becomming REALLY GOOD friends with his wife, you? It seems his priorities are a bit askew. I almost get the impression that he just enjoys pushing your buttons. (URRRR!)
Second, its one thing for a married man to have a female friend. I think it is possible, but when you are dealing with spouses like ours that have displayed behavior in the past that doesnt seem to allow for just male/female friendships, it isnt right.
Third, he should not be sending any other woman other than family cards.... I think it gives the wrong impression to this woman even if he just meant it as innocent.
I am sorry to say that he just seems to be living his life for him without a care in the world. I know how this feels as H did it to me for 7 months. Its awful and just selfish.
Hugs,
Coral
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."
OK i was just changing the laundry and i was thinking this...
marriage couple make friends togther .one does not make friends and expect the other to like them or do things with them. does that make since at to anybody...Just because my H likes these people doe sit make it right that i have to too?
yes once again I"m trying make my feeling seem like there nutso. lol..bad me.. i know..
You are married... the friends that you both have should be friends that you have together. Yes, we all have old friends from before we were married, but friends made within the marriage should be joint frinds of both married people. I think that plays double when it is an opposite sex friend.
Heres a question.... How is he really good friends with this woman, married to you and you and his relationship isnt good? How can he justify that?
Again, I dont know why, but I really think besides being up to no good, he is about pushing your buttons.
He is expecting you to accept behavior from him that is not acceptable and he knows it. Seems to me as he likes the control of doing these things, getting caught and then almost forcing you to just accept it. I really wonder if this is even so much about the OW or is it more about him and control? If the truth is that he has never slept with these woman, then why does he do the things he does? If he isnt having an affair then why is it so hard for him to comform to what a marriage is? So, if its not about sex, OW or an A... is it about control?
Hugs Sweetie,
Coral
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."
I'm singing with Coral's choir. Your H is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!! Those people are NOT friends of your marriage, which is what you and H both need to help make your marriage survive. Your H's first priority should be to YOU, not other women. If he doesn't or won't see that, then HE needs a 2x4 upside the head, not you.
Why is it he expects you to make all the compromises in your marriage? You aren't the WS, he is!!!
Sounds like bully tactics to me.
I am so sorry he refuses to do what he needs to heal and help you and your marriage heal.
I usually just let my H stew on his own ...but I am stubborn.
as I am thinking it sounds as if it is a power play for your H ...he is used to having you agree with him this time you are standing your ground...as you should...
just sending you lots of (((hugs)))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
This seems to be his pattern, isnt it? He does something, gets caught (maybe even on purpose) and then takes it out on you.
I dont know hon. It baffels me too. If you take face value and believe that he has never slept with any of these woman and they are just good friends (which isnt acceptable either)... why does he play this game? Why act all guilty, then when you confront him, he gets mad at you? Doesnt make sense. I mean what is he acting guilty for then? Unfortunately I can only come up with two reasons for him acting this way. 1. He is more than "good" friends with a female. OR 2. He does the stupid things, leaves things out for you to see, acts guilty and etc to get a rise out of you and cause conflict to then, like tonight, give you the silent treatment... this scenerio would be about control. I really dont know wich one is worse. Either way he is treating you unfairly and controling your emotions by creating these deep highs and lows.
What to do now??? I really dont know. What do you want to do?
Coral
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."
this is very hard for me because i like to get things worked out and trying to act as if he is not even here when I"M upset and want to talk makes it very hard for me. but if he wants to play this power trip over something that has nothing to do with me then so be it....
I"m not sure what is going on with this man. for 3 weeks he was calling me kissing me doing special things for me and then wham this happen and i'm like umm ok did i just miss something.. I thought is was my right to question him on things that didn't seem normal to me ... sheesh silly me. trying to be strong and not let this bring me down..
ya know even when we went to C session the C didn't even understand it . for real she was I just dont know...
I think he like that he can control maybe these other women with making them think he is a wonderful great guy.. ya know and since i dont fall in that anymore. that is why. he does it I dont know.. lol..
he has always said its not about the sex.. bahhh but finding somebody who give him whats he is looking for.. acceptence. i dont know..
oh o forgot what do i want to do.. I want him to either get out of my life and let me move on or show me that he loves me .. i know lame....
This message has been edited by sweetbutfoolish on Jun 13, 2007 10:59 PM This message has been edited by sweetbutfoolish on Jun 13, 2007 10:58 PM
I hope you are doing better this morning. Believe it or not, as I was falling asleep last night, I was thinking about you. A thought popped into my head that I wanted to ask you about. What kind of relationship does your H have with his mother? Is it possible that he has put you into a kind of surrogate role of his mother and is acting out his typical behavior and attitude with you that he has with her?
I know I could be so far off that you will just laugh at me, but I figured I would ask you. I know his behavior has hurt you so much, and you just want to understand what the heck is going on with him.
MY H and is mother have not spoken in like i want to say 7 yrs....she drank a lot as they where going up... truth he does not talk about her much at all to me.. they reason why she does not talk is because of me. she hate me with a passion and was treating me and my kids like jerks. so i never said he ever ever had to stop spaking or seeing her.. i just said i was going to keep myself and the kids away from her because of her drinking and anger..
do you think this is because he is anger at me.?? but truth be told he did this with his first wife as well... all of this... sooo ummmmm now what LOL
I sleep on the couch last night.. still no words... it breaks my heart that he chooses to hurt me like this... but his choice....
When he was going to C session he would come home very upset saying that all his C wants to talk about is his childhood and he would say that has nothing to do with it and its not going to fix me..sorry i was just thinking that .
one more thing sorry just rambling guess cause i have not been able to talk to an adult for the last couple days just kids....
the last fight we had about a month ago he told me I have hurt him and he will never let me hurt him again . and they only thing that come up is I changed who i was when i became pregent.. one C told us it was because i was matt Fanasty and pretty much it had gone bad...
This message has been edited by sweetbutfoolish on Jun 14, 2007 9:36 AM This message has been edited by sweetbutfoolish on Jun 14, 2007 9:24 AM
One good thing is knowing he treated his first wife the way he is treating you. Why is that good? Because it reinforces that his behavior is ALL about him and NOT about you.
He is so wrong that his childhood has nothing to do with his behavior. It has EVERYTHING to do with his behavior. My mother was an emotionally and verbally abusive alcoholic. I know I had tremendous damage done to my psyche because of her behavior. I have done a lot of work with my IC to deal with the damage. I know how my problems affected my relationships, including with my husband, with my children, with my siblings--wait! with EVERYONE!
Knowing that I was damaged by my childhood, my H and I did a great deal of discussing how he was affected by his childhood issues. He had mostly blocked out the unpleasantness of his childhood, but just because he compartmentalized his unhappy memories and the bad lessons he learned from his parents does not mean that he wasn't affected by what he experienced. Obviously he very much was.
I think your H will keep repeating his patterns until he gets serious IC and accepts for himself the damage his mother's behavior caused him. He might want to consider joining the AA group for adult children of alcoholics to learn more. I have heard that it can be quite helpful.
Look at it this way--if his mother was cruel to you and your children, why wouldn't she have been cruel to him too? How rejected by her might he have felt as a child? How much did he long for her to stop drinking and pay attention to him? How neglected did he feel? Does it make sense in this context that perhaps he is seeking the validation from women that he lacked from his mother when he was a child?
Just a few fairy thoughts and lots of encouraging fairy hugs,
fairyfriend
Edited for logic errors
This message has been edited by fairyfriend on Jun 14, 2007 9:52 AM
fairy you heading gave me a good smile this morning... thanks..
ABOUT the aa meeting he went to one the sent him there for his sexually addtive behavoir he didn't go back again this time he was asked to go again and he said hell no those meeting are not for me. they will not do any good..
I understand all about how damaged his family has made him .. hell my mother gave me away at age 1 i was abused by her H then lived with her abuses parents who drank .. i had thing done to me as a child..
thank goodness i found the resouce and got some help..
maybe in a way since i have been there and I soo know what it is like for needing somebody to love me.. I have reach me resouces on how to love him. and help him. it has taken me 13 yr to see i can't change him..
all i want his for him to just walk away if this is hurting him way to much.
I know I"M not to blame for the things he has done. but a very small part of me keeps wondering what i have done to make him hate me so much......
Fairy thank you from the bottom of my heart for your time on this...
Oh April dear! If only love WERE enough! But you know, just as I do, that no matter how much we love a person, we can not make that person change. Only your H can change his behavior.
If only he would understand that when he explores himself and his behavior and comes to an understanding of WHY he does what he does, then he will most likely have a sense of peace that he has never had before and he will be able to embrace the changes and be the person you would like him to be and see the potential in him to become.
Please take care of yourself, dear. You have already suffered too much at the cruel hands of others.
yes and through the mist of all of this I stand here still loving him wanting him.and waiting for that moment that he finds the answer he so needs to help himself. but as i think about all of this time is no longer in my hand. I can't give him what he want when he doesn't want me to give it to him . there for he finds it in other women. my hand fill tied on how to handle all of this at this moment because i can't keep living with a person who can't and wont learn to love himself enough to love me.
You know that you have to do what you have to do. It helps no one if you sacrifice yourself in the name of loving him. It is sad that he is so deep in his problems that he doesn't see the loving, compassionate woman you are.
You know you will find support here for whatever choice you make.
just an update.. i recived and text message from H asking my rings size... then said the hosptial was having a jewely sale and i should go and look and to make sure to call him when i leave so he can meet me there.. ummmm what?? he has not spoken to me since tue afternoon and then this..
how do i react to him if he acts as if nothing happen? I"m not very good at that part lol.... just wondering what any of you would do...
Yes ignore the happenings of the past 24 hrs he is the one who had the temper tantrum so just let it be for the time being...you can address this in the future...he may be trying to bribe you right now...let him bribe you let him buy you something...> but you are not backing down from your stance and he may understand that.
... his conscience is bothering him, and that is a good sign...
nothing wrong with letting him pamper you.
((((hugs))))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
SOO he asked if i was talking to him.. I answer back to not start anything yes.. he asked why i stop talking to him.. he told me I am the one who is suppose to break the ice.. pretty much the beginging of the post i started he is pissed at me.. and well umm I dont know... I just dont know anymore..
they way he is acting does not help me with thinking he isn't doing anything.. ya know. he is showing the true colors of something going on.. i mean really if you are the upset with a person do you still buy them gifts..lol.. like he did today.. I dont know... freak "throwing hand in the air"
Sorry about all of these. i wrote this to him yesterday. maybe i should have. but he told me it confused him and pissed him off..
I just wish you could understand that just because i dont have friends like you do. that you where and are my best friend and when you hurt me it makes it hard to try to get you to understand where i'm coming from. maybe one day you will see me for the person i really am and not the person you dislike.Sorry for yesterday . I will work on leaving you and your friends alone. and leaving your outside homelife alone and working on finding me a life...
always and forever april
This message has been edited by sweetbutfoolish on Jun 14, 2007 4:57 PM
He is playing you...he stopped talking to you...you didn't stop talking to him...
Right now work on healing your self.. think about finding things that interest you, find friends who will make you happy since his friends are not your friends....volunteer organizations, women's clubs, the YWCA...your local church may have groups that will help you with activities that interest YOU...just some thoughts for you.
(((hugs)))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
I Know i need to stop worrying about him so much ..But when you spend 13 yr trying to get somebody to love you.. man its hard to change.. It will happen. i will work on it I will...
I"m sorry really for taken up so much time in here . I just really didn't know what to do with all of this.. I needed somebody to explain to me that I'm not the one causeing him to find interested in other women. I know that sounded stupid.. but some of us are still in the pain and blame game. i'm gettin better. i'm just never good at handle things like this.. this marks the first time of not giving in to him and makin him give in..
anyhow i'm just babbling usless words lol i will stop.. thanks again.. really
>But when you spend 13 yr trying to get somebody to love you..
Your words remind me of that sad Bonnie Raitt song, "I Can't Make You Love Me" (written by Reid & Shamblin). The funny thing is, as soon as you stop trying to make him love you, there's a significant chance that the whole thing will turn upside down and he'll start trying to make you love him. I've seen it happen.
TomJ
This message has been edited by tomj76 on Jun 14, 2007 7:30 PM
Well said TomJ. I am a prime example of that. When I stopped trying, things turned around. The only bad side to this is that I now have had a hard time returning the love. Not that I dont love him, but I fear once I really show it as I did in the years before D day 1, he may go back to who he was/became... the bad him.
It is a wonder.
Coral
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."
((((April))))
GRRRR!!!!!, What you are going thru ... sooo frustrating!!!! he needs to find out what kind of thrill he gets from intentionally keeping you upset, feeling excluded from his friendships, and questioning him. He doesn't want you to feel secure in your relationship, sounds like he wants you to be the one to feel like you're always about to fall off of a wobbly bridge, so that he can have all the power over you...and it sounds like it is boring for him to have the close relationships in his life to be balanced and without conflict(from childhood)....(((((hugs))))none of it is your fault....
I agree with what everyone else has posted, do stuff that makes you happy that doesn't include him..let him see that you would be OK without him...that may put him off balance, forcing him to think twice about losing you..
Lisa
Current Topic - I could really use some advice tonight
but you are not backing down from your stance and he may understand that.
