Oh God close call. For the last month or so the business were I work has been doing business with the company were my W works. Yes, can you believe that? So my wife calls me in a panic this morning saying that she overheard the OM getting instructions from his boss to come with some other people to my business where I work. He had no idea that I work here and when she heard this she went into his office and told him “you better not go there because my husband works there”. He agreed and said he will definitely not go and make up some excuse, but we are both concerned that his boss will hound him. Really what excuse is he going to give? He called her in and asked if she thought I would ever come where they work and she said no. He is obviously scared that freaken coward. His wife does not know about the A though so besides facing me he is probably scared that if something goes down in front of his co-workers his W will find out. Anyway, I am so shaken up by the close call that I just want to go home. I am so upset. I keep having these visions of what the altercation would be like. I really pray that I don’t run into him because I don’t trust myself in the state that I am in and I don’t know if I could just walk away. This whole incident just released a floodgate of feelings and all the animosity I feel towards this man. Excuse of human being.
Your fear triggered some memories for me. After D-Day 1 and 2, when I had full confidence that my H was not cheating (he still was), I confidently strode in to the school in summer where they both worked. I WANTED to see her! I WANTED her to see my strength. I WANTED her to say something - anything - to me. I WANTED a chance to "dis" her. To show her that she meant NOTHING to me. I thought I could control my emotions, hold my head up high, and ignore her. I thought the A had ended.
The first time I went: I found them both in a back office alone together. I was SO ANGRY I said unkind words to her then stormed out of the school. H followed me home and explained they were simply making school schedule plans. I thought I had seen his hand/arm pull back from hers when he saw me. He said he had just handed her something across the table. I believed his story, but found out a year later what I thought I had seen was actually true. I so foolishly continued believing nothing was going on at work.
Second time: I picked him up for a picnic together. I felt SO PROUD to stroll in right past her office and take MY H out for lunch. Alas, her door was closed and I did not see her. I found out later that their A was raging at that time
He now says the ONLY way to truly end the A was for him to finally leave the job. We are now FFFFAAARRR away and are working on our M, without a third party. It's been only 5 months, but we both see progress.
Best of luck.
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
I applaud your wife's quick thinking ...the OM is scared...you are in the power position his wife doesn't know and he is at your mercy.
Your wife is working to protect you and that is a good action..if you see him, you need to ignore him.( you will shake, steam rage inside but you can ignore him)
Now look at the other side you didn't have to see him...and that is good.
take care
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
This message has been edited by dancin-gal on Jun 13, 2007 10:55 AM
Dear Hart - (((hugs)))) Its hard enough for me just imagining a run-in with the OW. She lives at the other end of the state, and doesn't even know how to drive (part of her manipulative "I need you" game she plays with everyone). I cannot imagine your daily torment of your W working with him, and then to have this other element of you potentially having to face him. Yuk. I feel the concurrent waves of deep sadness and rage from you.
I don't know if it would do any good at all, but I've heard of some people writing a letter to the OW or OM. Its a letter that would never get sent. It is only a means to vent...and in some ways think through what you would say if you were ever in the situation where you were face to face. A long time ago, I tried writing such a letter and found myself completely stuck, other than to call her by her married name (which she doesn't use interestingly).
Other than that, my best suggestion would be to breathe and really try to find at least moments of calm amidst this horrible storm. Hart, I watch this site very closely for your posts because you and I seem to be in pretty similar emotional places, with remorseful spouses, but feeling stuck and damned to this future of an existence we never asked for and didn't deserve. I'm sitting here sobbing at the computer for you, for me, for each and everyone of us here. I am so tired of what As have done to all of us, and the exhaustion from just trying to make it through the day.
I'm proud of your W for calling you and letting you know what was happening. Take some comfort from that. If you really fear what would transpire if you were in a room with OM, than in the safety of your home and mind, try to play it out a bit so that you give yourself the personal space to feel what it would feel like, but where you have control over how you want to imagine it.
I'll be thinking of you today and hoping you and your W find your way through this newest twist on the situation. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
Blue Iris, you mentioned the exhaustion you feel. This is exactly what I have felt. I told H that I am just plain weary: emotionally worn out with the roller coaster of affair recovery and the effort to keep up a brave happy face for the world. I am a little longer post D-day than you, 3 yrs since #1, 2 yrs since #2 and NC. Unfortunately my H also has to work occasionally with OW and I dread every interaction. I have seen her once since D-day #1 and the rage inside me was incredible, much stronger than I thought. I have also transferred that rage to a co-worker of H's who is herself a WS and one of the few who knows about H's affair. I can't be civil to her. So Hartbroken I do understand your trauma from this close call. I must say that like JJ I have at times hoped I would see OW, but I really don't know how I would react.
In the end, though, it is true what people here say: there is no true recovery for the marriage until there is absolutely no contact with the OP. My H has moved across the world to get away from the whole thing, including OW. Early on my H said he wanted to be "friends" with OW and it took him a year to accept that it just isn't possible. It's only since he truly cut all contact with her to strictly professional that we have been able to start healing. Is there any way your W can change jobs? You have probably posted about this in the past so I apologise for not keeping up.
I knew early on that I would not be able to avoid contact with OM #1 (sse pretty much every day). I went to see him face to face, we talked, he apologized to me, I quickly forgave. I knew what I needed to concentrate on was my W not him.
My anger was clearly and squarely with my W and not someone else (they hadn't promised anything to me, she had) so I didn't fear my own rage. Maybe if he hadn't been so contrite it could have been different.
As I said, not advice, just how it was for me. It made me feel better that I faced it head on rather than avoiding / cowering.
