Well, my W went to speak to the OM again regarding his visit to my company saying that just saying “I will think of something” is not good enough. She needed to know what exactly he is going to say and how he is going to get out of coming over here. He of course did not have a straight concrete answer or solution and just continued saying that he will not come over and will think of an excuse. At the end of this conversation he also apparently repeatedly apologized and even told her “apologize to your husband for me” What the f*&(%? A little late for that. I told her that he only apologized to look like the nice guy and to have her think that he is really a good guy.
Anyway, long story short, she overheard the bosses again tell him today that he really needs to go and they will make a time to come next week. He also forwarded her an e-mail where they told him the same thing so basically he informed her that he has to come here. So much for “I will take care of it”. Empty promises just like his empty, mean nothing apologies.
I told her based on someone elses advice not to discuss this matter any further with him because no contact means no contact. So it looks like I am going to have to face what I feared the most. I have been a complete wreck. I know I will have to find the strength somewhere but the thought of what I have to face is overwhelming. I hope that I can find it in myself to be strong and be the better person. Even if I don’t act out or lash out at him and are able to keep my composure, just seeing him will be devastating to me. The whole thing is acting like a huge trigger, evoking old bad feelings regarding the A and I am sure seeing him in person would make it even worse. I felt like I was close to my limit before and I am feeling like this is just too much for me. I don’t think anybody should unwillingly have to face the person that slept with their spouse (the one person they care more about that anything in the world).
Is there anyone at your company that you can confide in ( tell him/her you absolutly can not stand this person and will not do business with him...NO explaination beyond that point ) that may cover for you if the OM does come to your company...if this man is a salesman possible to look for another company who sells the same thing...
Just my thinking..
take care,
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
Thank you for the advice…wish it was that easy. He is not a salesperson and luckily I will not be dealing with him directly. He along with other people from my W company is coming here to work with someone else on a project but we have a very small office that consists of like 5 or 6 people so seeing him is going to be inevitable. There is also no one that works here that I can confide in like that. Like I said, NO one knows about the A and I want to keep it that way. To complicate things even further, there is a connection between our jobs via some other person so if someone at my jobs finds out it will more than likely come out were my W works and vice versa. I also have no time off so even if I wanted to just take the day off I couldn’t. Ugh, what a nightmare!!!
But you know what, way should I run. I should pull myself together and deal with this, Show him that I am the better person and let him feel uncomfortable. In a sense he is the one that’s got to face me, right? I am just scared because of the amount of hate a feel in my heart, that coupled with the fact that seeing him will in a sense bring the A to life for me and I am scared that it would be just all to real and become to much.
Dear Hartbroken, This thread, and your very real predicament, reminded me of a posting a few months back. I don't know if it would be helpful at all, but in re-reading it, the response from Mikentx I found especially interesting and strengthening. "What if I ran into her/him?" is the title of the thread over at the open board. You should be able to just go to the search function and type that in to view the thread. I hope it helps.
I hope you're able to find your control within the situation so that you can (a) honor yourself and (b) be empowered by the choices you make instead of being reduced by your understandable fear and anger at this nightmare created by OM and your W.
BlueIris
it just dawned on me that I could bump that thread up if I post a quick note to it, so I'll do that to make it more easily retrieveable. Hope that's an appropriate thing to do.
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
YOU ARE THE BETTER MAN .... YOU ARE THE HONORABLE PERSON...YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED ABOUT...look the OM in the face and turn it around... ignore him look past him as if he doesn't exist..if you have to shake his hand sneeze then shake> he is the scared one...you have the advantage
you will be fine,
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
Thank you BlueIris!!!! I read Mikentx post and it really helped. When i have more time i will read the other ones too. Of course me acting the way I should and the way he said is easier said than done but it definitely motivated me to try and I will give it my all. I especially liked the part were he said he stopped being a victim. That’s what I tried to say, even though I don’t want to go through this, why should I run, take the day of and all that. The avoidance should be on his end and if it doesn’t happen then he has to deal with that (me). Wish me luck and thanks again.
I would imagine that as difficult and painful as it will be for you to see OM at your workplace, it will be AS DIFFICULT and PAINFUL - and maybe even more so because he has the added burden of GUILT - for the OM to see YOU!
I predict he will avoid you like the plague. You are the LAST person he would want to confront.
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
You said "But you know what, way should I run. I should pull myself together and deal with this, Show him that I am the better person and let him feel uncomfortable. In a sense he is the one that’s got to face me, right?" Right, right, right! As others have said, you are the good guy, he is the bad.
His empty apologies and "attempts" to fix this are a sign that he really doesn't get it and is still in that affair fog where everything is justifiable because of the "overwhelming love" he felt for your wife. However, since you know about the A and his wife doesn't, and since you are the wounded person, he is probably pretty scared of seeing you. I know my H's OW was dreading meeting me after I knew about the A and she sent him plaintive little e-mails asking his advice about how to deal with me. Of course I had been painted as the wicked witch in their fairytale, so she was very afraid of what I might do. And in the end I calmly chatted to her and the other people there about nonsense while inside my heart was racing, my brain was in overdrive and I was conscious of a powerful disgust in being with her.
So make sure there are other people around when you see him, stick to your integrity and don't demean yourself by engaging in any sort of verbal or physical duel with him. Ignore him if you can and remember he doesn't know the true story: your wife will have been living in a fantasy where everything is twisted to create a sense that the relationship wasn't wrong, so the things she will have said bear no resemblance to reality. I know my H lied to his OW as much as to me.
Liz, thank you for your post. I agree with many things you said except one. Although I am only at 5 months after D-Day, the A was and ended two years ago. My W just took forever to tell me. Because of how long ago it was I doubt that he is still in the "fog". I mean it's possible but I don't think so. I don't even think he loved her. He just used her,that #*&% bastard. He was engaged at the time and I think it might even have been his last who-rah. Oooh, my blood is boiling now. I truly think he just apologized because he wanted to come of as the good guy knowing he is a piece of scum. One thing you are right about is the fact that he is scared, and rightfully so . When they discussed this situation at work he asked if I would ever come over there and she said no. He replied "oh, yes he probably doesn't want to see me anymore than I want to see him" My W replied "No, he would actually like to bump into you". She told me his eyes got big and he asked her way. She said because he is very angry. He also told her "your husband is a much better person than me" and she replied "yes he is!!!!" Made me feel so good
I can fully understand how you feel as I was in a very similar situation to this 4 years ago. My then husband had been having an affair with a girl 16 years younger than him. Unfortunately for me, we all worked for the same company, in fact I sat within shouting distance of the OW.
I first found out about the affair on the weekend and had to go to work on the Monday and face both my husband and the OW quite blatantly flaunting their relationship in front of myself and everyone else in the office.
Is there nobody you can confide in to be there as support for you when this man visits? I know that this does help and you will feel that you are not on your own with this.
In my situation I took strength in the fact that I had done nothing wrong and held my head high. I kept telling myself that I was better than they were and why should I let them see how much this was destroying me.
The strength does come from somewhere I can assure you. It will not be easy but have faith in yourself. However much you would like to strike out at the other person for their part in this I would not recommend this course of action. Far better to hold your head high and show what a far better person you are than the liar and cheat.
Not sure I'm far enough into this myself (DD+7 days) to offer advice, but for what its worth I could offer encouragement. My WS's OM was a good friend of hers (as people might have seen from the back story) which meant not only did I know him (bought him drinks, shook his hand, joked with him etc.) but I saw him and my wife together frequently during the affair (repeatedly told there's nothing to worry about...).
I haven't met him again yet, but its probably inevitable (I'm still "friends" with him on facebook). Much as I'd love to lay him out, as I'm sure you would with your guy, you will make him feel much worse if you don't. The OM clearly wanted your wife, but also appears to feel guilty about what happened. If you hit him or lash out verbally it will help him get over his guilt. Don't make it that easy for the #%$&, act like he is nothing to you, look down on him but don't waste effort on him. Also since its a business meeting he'll probably offer his hand, which is a nice point to casually snub him.
One thing I like to remember is that the OM has (hopefully) been rejected as well - which although he deserves it (plus a million other forms of hell) will still be unpleasant. He no doubt has insecurities about you, much as you might have them about him. To some extent you are the OM for him. And surely one of the most painful things to see in the other man is confidence. If you believe you are better than him (which you are - you have morals and are not complete scum) then he will believe you are better than him.
Of course like I said, this could just be me in fantasy land, so take what I say with a pinch of salt. I feel your pain though I really do.
U ARE THE BETTER MAN! HE IS SCUM! You are absolutely right in all the negative feelings you have about him. The best revenge is knowing you are right and maintianing your composure when you see him. Stare directly into his eyes and he will feel the chill in his spine. Thats better than ever laying a finger on him. The discomfort he must feel in this situation is priceless. Turn it around and enjoy it, feel a little vindicated.
YOU ARE THE HONORABLE PERSON...YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED ABOUT...look the OM in the face and turn it around... ignore him look past him as if he doesn't exist..if you have to shake his hand sneeze then shake>
he is the scared one...you have the advantage 