Hi everyone,
I have a question to those of you who are R. When the pain and trauma of the A has subsided a little and you can catch your breath, and the decision has been made to save the R, have you ever woke up one day and thought that you just don't care anymore? Like during the night a theif came in and drained every bit of the love you had for this person and now you are wondering why you are waking up next to them? Things are going well, and we are talking and working on us but I'm numb. Does this go away? Is this just an "aftershock" and will my feelings for him return? He is doing everything I have asked and going above and beyond, I cant ask for any better. Anyone else felt this way? Did it go away and did you get the love back?

Ah, "the plain of lethal flatness," as some have called it. I haven't felt like I didn't love my H, but I have felt numb and wondered what was the point.

You are experiencing a very common situation. Just keep doing your work. You can/will get past this too.

fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

I actually posted the very same question a little while back. My post title was almost the exact same. My question may have been phrased differently but I essentially meant the same thing.

My post read "I miss how things use to be, I just want my life back. Sometimes I feel like she ruined everything. I know we have our whole lives in front of us and I truly hope things will change for the better so I can look back at this and say, “You know, that sucked but look now…” Who knows if that will be? I am scared that things have just changed and that I will never be able to look at her the same?"

I got some comforting replies but I too just have the word of others that have been through this to go on because it's not something I feel now. I hope and pray that they are right and that it will pass. I apologize for not really being any help because I am suffering with the same question. I guess, just find comfort in the fact that you are not alone.

Thanks Heartbroken44
This is scary. To get through all the pain and work so hard to get here and try so hard and then realize it might be gone forever and it was all for nothing. It never occurred to me that I may have been falling out of love with him during this, I was working so hard to save it. So sad, I pray this is temporary. How long have you felt this way?

2 months since dday - amazing to be counting now in months instead of weeks and weeks was great instead of days, days was amazing compared to hours, minutes, and the next breath.

I spent last week thinking about moving again. I felt out of love, apathetic, didn't really want to be touched by him. After about 4 hours of processing and some revelation I was able to drop my shields and become vulnerable again, cuddle, receive his attention, and feel really connected. Today my "being" feels raw/sensitive but not detached. I feel open to being connected.

Good days and bad days...maybe those stretch into good weeks and bad weeks. I'm just too new at this to know. You're probably just tired and fatigued and need to spend some more time on rejuvenating yourself.

1. Think about the possibilities the end game - stonger deeper relationship.
2. Get lots of sleep.
3. Stay away from alcohol, sugar, and caffiene - things that make your mood spike then crash, or that bring
on/contribute to depression.
4. Make a list each night of the good things that are happening in your life (the sun came up, something made you
smile, etc.)
5. Try to keep your mind busy with activity or positive thinking.
6. Take a walk or doing something physical that will give your body a chance to produce feel good hormones -
endorphins.

If you've been in trauma for a while, you should allow yourself to rejuvenate for an equal amount of time before making any decisions. You may find that when you take a break from working on the relationship that your spouse picks up some of the slack. Or all of that hard work doesn't have to happen every minute of the day and that some of it doesn't have to happen now, next week will be fine.

Good luck!

Dear Osfan66,

I started feeling like this around 4 months from D-Day. I am just a couple of days past 5 months now. I think I started feeling like this because the “dust” of the storm settled and I was thinking more clearly which meant reality was sinking in. Someone said that it’s because the initial shock is over and now you are really absorbing what took place. The same person assured me that it might get worse before it gets better but that eventually if you fight through this, things will work out. I am confused about many things and like I said before I am concerned that I will never look at her the same but I know I do love her. The reason I know this is because its still hurts so much. I don’t think it would hurt this much if I didn’t truly love her. Yes, it would suck to invest one, two years into this and then have it not work out, but I love her and have to give it my all. I want to at least say at the end if it did not work out, that I gave a shot. I don’t want to wonder later if I gave up to soon. Everybody tells me that 5 months is way too soon and that the 1st year is just about surviving. Lets stay strong!!

osfan, you'll find lots of messages about this plain of lethal flatness on this board. There is one from me from 18 months or so ago with almost your words: "he is doing everything I asked and more, but I just don't care". So I wanted to tell you that yes, it does get better. It takes time and dedication from the WS who has to put up with a lot of angst, anger and hurt from the BS, but if he/she is prepared to ride the roller coaster with you there will be another up (and another down and another up...) I'm nearly 2 years from the second D-day and true emergence from the fog and things are getting better each day. Still have bad moments and don't really have much confidence that it won't happen again but at least at the moment I believe my H just can't imagine ever hurting us both this way again.

Ride the roller coaster, and know there is a less scary part coming.

Liz

I am just shy of 1 year from D Day 1 of many - that was July 12, 2006.

NC finally began this February with ALL of the OW.. (H was involved in-depth with 4 woman in 2 years.)

After February I finally felt I could breath. With that breath there have been many times where I have felt like why am I here? Do I really love him? Does he even deserve me? Wouldn't it be easier to just call it quits? So on and so on. I realized that I made it through almost 7 months of lies, pain deceit, his continued affairs.... This part to me seems annoying at times, still painful, but we have come so far and I believe that I made it through the nightmare for a reason... a reason that keeps me here. If at any point I would have given up, it certainly would have been while he was still in the midst of his A(s), not now. Now, seems to be a walk in the park compared to the past. A walk that stills has a few pitfalls from time to time, but a walk that we are finally taking together.

Is it normal to feel this way? ABSOLUTELY! Does it get less and better? I am prime proof that it does. Everyone's time frame on phases is different, but just as the pain as a lost friend lessons over time, so does the pain of infidelity.

I have doubts that I will ever forget, even for a second, but it does get more bearable.

Coral

"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."

Thank you all for responding to this question, this has helped so much.
Coral, you are so strong and I admire you for being able to stay focused on the long term big picture. So many times in the midst of this storm I have wondered if I was being strong or just stupid. Your strength and insight has been very helpful to me since I have been having trouble focusing farther out than this moment.

Heartbroken44
Sounds like we are in the same place. From what Im hearing we may be on this path for a while before it gets better. Thanks for sharing, maybe we can support each other in this.

Of course we can support each other through this. I need all the support I can get especially since no one knows about the A in my case. So besides my W there is really no one except the people on HH that I can turn too. How long ago was D-Day for you?

Hi hartbroken44
My story is a little different. During the course of a disagreement we were having he went out drinking and had a ONS and an ongoing EA with OW until Dec. He broke things off but she was emotionally needy so they stayed cell phone friends. Things were going well for us and we went away valentines wkend and had a wonderful time. When we got back she tracked him down to tell him she was pregnant. I went ballistic. He told me he had a responsibility to her so obviously things were very strained btween us. He moved in with his mother because the friction was so bad btween us. We talked and saw each other constantly and I was a mess. I refused to discuss our future while all this was going on. I kept very busy and other than spouting some anger and crying myself 2 sleep every night I didn't deal with it. His responsibility to her consisted of finding wonderful adoptive parents and doing the leg work to make sure the adoption went thru. She has given up 2 other children in similar situations so he felt the need to make sure this was taken care of bcause she is trash. She had the baby May 20. DNA test confirmed it was his. I went ballistic again. He has done nothing but beg and cry for us since. I finally feel some relief that it is finally over but she still has the right to change her mind until June 21. Anyway I feel like this nightmare has finally ended which is great but now I realize I have to deal with my feelings that I have never really dealt with. My numbness scares me because now Im not sure if its just the trauma of it all or if my feelings for him really have changed. He really wants and needs me to say that he is forgiven and Im ready to commit to our life together but I wont say that until Im absolutely sure

Hartbroken44
By the way I have no family and my best friend has pretty much rejected me bcause she doesnt like him and thinks I should leave, so this support is pretty much all I have too. Its nice to know other people have the same feelings and that my hurt is not irrational. This is a very lonely place to be.

Dear Osfan,

On D-Day night after hours of emotional chaos we went to bed in different rooms. Later that night I went to her and told her she should come back to bed with me and that I forgive her. I am reading this book on forgiveness and it talks about cheap forgiveness where u basically forgive before you have even really absorbed what happened to you. Based on my feeling lately I had to share this with her and she knows that even though I have said it before that I have not fully and truly forgiven her but that it is something I am working towards. I don’t think that at the time I was lying, I was caught up in hysterical bonding. I am now very cautious about what I say because I don’t want to mislead her regarding my feelings and I also need to be true to myself and not just say what I think she wants to hear. So I agree with you that you should not say it until you feel it in your heart. Our situations are different but I am sure the pain is the same. Sometimes it feels like its too much to bear.

Ahhhh, add me to your group. As I mentioned above, I am almost at 1 year from D day 1 of many.... Still, no one in my family knows what has transpired. No friends, no sisters, no one other than the fine people here on HH. That still amazes me - one year, I have told no one here around me at home.

I made the choice to not share this with them and at this point, I do not regret it. My hope always was that H and I would work things out and I didnt want my family to judge him for the rest of our lives based on this. I guess I was trying to protect him. (Wish he had done the same for me when this mess all started.)

Regardless, I have made it through with the fine folks here on HH. Maybe some day I will change my mind and tell those around me, but for now, I am ok with the choice I made.

Everyone does it different and there is no right or wrong way. We just have to go with what feels comfortable to us. But so you know, it is possible to make it even if you dont share it with those around you. However, I would highly suggest IC.

Coral



"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."

I fought tooth and nail for my marriage. It drained me of pretty much all my emotional reserves. Then, when I had all but given up, and was starting to disconnect, she came back, and did EVERYTHING I asked of her.

But for months, I felt like I didn't know her, wasn't sure I liked her, and couldn't say I loved her. It is emotional fatigue, and lots of us have felt it, or continue to feel it.

Dave

I guess one of the reasons I cant seem to get out of the "Plain of lethal flatness" is that I just cant understand how he could do this. Its been 10 months since he slept with her but I still dont get it. We were the love of each others life. No one else in either of our pasts could even compare to the connection we had. Up until that day neither of us even looked at another person. So how did this happen??? Was it a lie? He was deceiving me with lines and 3 yrs of bs? When you meet the love of your life and the thought of ever even touching another sickens you, how do you "MAKE LOVE" to someone else?? Even now I cant even think about ever being with another man AT ALL. I have NO DISIRE to ever touch another man. I guess Im so old fashioned I should go live with the AMISH. Is my way of thinking so outdated that I cant function in today's society without getting my heart ripped out? Is this the world we live in? Do I have to become emotionally detached to be able to survive?

Osfan,

Wow, we do feel the same. I am actually not doing well at all. I for some reason I relived everything last night and totally broke down. I kept asking her, how could you? How could you do those things, I don’t understand. I cannot comprehend it and the thought of it and trying to make sense of it seems too much for my mind and the hurt seems too much for my heart. I thought we were perfect, she was my everything and my princess that did no wrong. God damn this hurts, I can’t take it anymore. I know its harsh to label a person an bad person because of an A and maybe good people can just make a "mistake" but I kept wondering, what kind of person does stuff after work and the crawl into bed with me that night. It made me question what type of person she is. It's truly mind boggling and I guess if i want to stay with her I am just gonna have to learn to let it go without truly understanding.

I am so sorry you are hurting so much.

What kind of person cah have sex with OP then come home to the spouse? Someone who is deep, DEEP into denial; someone who is compartmentalizing; someone who is rationalizing her/his behavior; someone who feels a sense of entitlement; someone who does not have a clear understanding and enforcement of boundaries; someone who doesn't understand the deep and abiding love the spouse has for him/her; someone who feels tremendous guilt and anxiety about their behavior but justifies it on the flimsiest of excuses; someone who may be suffering from depression; someone who has MAJOR issues that go back to childhood. I'm sure there is more, but I'll stop here.

I understand completely how you are feeling, as I have played out the same scene in my home with my H many, MANY times. The bottom line is no matter WHAT the reasons, the fact is that our spouses did what they did. It is up to them to figure out WHY they did--and no blaming us. I refused to let my husband blame me for his horrible choices. We spent literally months digging through his memories before we figured out how he could do what he did. After much thought, time, tears, sadness, we know how and why he had an A. Learning the answers really reinforced to me and to him that NOTHING I did or didn't do was a reason for him to have an A. He CHOSE to have one because of HIS issues.

Your wife will need to dig deep inside herself to find her answers. But whatever they may be (and they ARE there), YOU had nothing to do with her choice to have an A.

I do believe that my H is a good person who made a terrible choice. If I believed otherwise (and I have no other evidence that he isn't a good person), I would not still be married to him.

Gentle fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

edited for content

Hi Hartbroken44

Im sorry you had a major setback. I truely hope it wasnt as a result of your discussions with me and dredging up old feelings and hurt. From what Im hearing part getting past this is the ability to let things go and I just cant seem to do that yet because of what I said before, I just cant understand it. I hope Im not dragging you down with me. You obviously are a good man and have a wonderful true heart, which Im beginning to see is a rare and dying quality. If she can change and truely recapture your heart and earn your trust she will be the luckiest woman in the world. I hope your day gets better.

Osfan

You are hurting so much. I am so sorry. The advice I would give you is the same I gave to Hart. Your H NEEDS to discover what is in himself that he could give himself permission to cheat.

I understand what you wrote about not wanting to have sexual relations with a man other than your H. Certainly over the course of my marriage, I have seen and met other men who were attractive, but the thought of or desire to have sex with them just didn't happen. In fact, like you, I get almost sick to my stomach at the thought of sex with a man other than my H.

So if you go live with the Amish (which wouldn't be much fun BTW as they work very hard, and depending on which Amish community, sometimes get gawked at like they were strange creatures) because of your attitudes, you'll have to take me with you because I feel the same way you do!

fairyfriend

Osfan,
Thank you for the kind words. Rest assured its not you fault for my downward spiral. If you read my other post you would see that I have been struggling with a potential interaction with the OP. It was suppose to be today. This put an enormous amount of stress on me and I think knowing that I might have had to face this him brought some stuff about the A back to life. By the grace of God it seems like he was able to avoid coming to my office and they are sending someone else. You know what’s funny, she probably deserves every word I said last night and yet I feel terrible today for saying it or even thinking it. I guess another indicator that I love her because despite of everything I do not want to hurt her, ever.

Ps. FF, we have discussed her “why” and I really think we unconverted some causes and she admits that it was due to issues she had. Even if these causes, issues or “reasons” are exposed it still hard for me, or any BS I think, to wrap their brain around it.

Hey there Fairyfriend,

Digging in the back of my closet for that long black skirt. You don't happen to have a butter churn do you? How about a washboard? If going to live with the Amish would heal my heart and bring back the love of my life pre A, I would happily be out plowing those fields with my man!! I was born 100 years too late!! Ha! Ha!

Hart,

The fact that you dont want to hurt her in this situation again proves my point -- you are a rare breed. Im glad to hear your situation worked out so that you didn't have to deal with OP. You really didn't need that right now. Do something nice for yourself today, you deserve it. If she has any clue about the wonderful gift she has been given in the fact that you're not giving up on the M then she will understand what you were going through last night. It will all be ok, she'll get it. Hang in there.

Osfan,

I could happily wear the long skirt, but I just don't know about the bonnet . . .

Hart,

I am so glad you didn't have to deal with OM today. I know the prospect has been weighing very heavily on you.

I also sympathize and understand completely that even after we know the whys and the hows, we still feel the tremendous pain. It is so easy for us to slide into the "Wasn't my love enough to stop you?" frame of mind. But the truth is, no. It wasn't. Love, as grand and glorious as it is, is NOT enough. We feel like it should have been enough, but the sad fact is that it just wasn't. It is so difficult to separate ourselves out of our spouse's equation. We have to learn to accept that given the WS problems and background that no matter what we did, we could not compensate for their issues. When Peggy Vaughan says that it doesn't matter WHO the BS is, the WS's issues allow him/her to cheat, she is correct.

It is challenging for us to let go and accept not only are we BS not at fault, but that we can't fix or change our WS. Only they can.

Ack! This healing stuff is incredibly taxing.

Hey, take your wife out to dinner and don't talk about the A. Talk about your first date instead!

Encouraging fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

edited for grammatical error

It's been 18 months for me and I still wonder if I will ever feel the love I once felt for my H. To this day I still haven't been able to tell him that I love him. We are still together, but now I feel like he has become my roommate. Before the A, I wasn't sure about us and knew we had drifted apart. I figured we just needed to make time for each other to rediscover each other again. I know it gets that way for many couples who have young children. I also know that I wouldn't of made the choice to have an A no matter what. I had a commitment with my H (and to myself) and would never do that. I knew it would totally destroy the little M we had. However, he made the choice to have the A and now I'm not sure how I feel about him. My meltdowns have totally subsided (they were pretty scary even for me to handle), and I have been at peace with myself. I know that my view of people have changed because if you can't trust your own spouse, then who can you trust? I understand that I am not to blame for what he did because I had the same marital problems and didn't have the A. He needs to figure out what gave him permission to have the A (as someone mentioned). Maybe when they can actually come out of the fog and figure out why they did what they did, the "feelings" will awaken our hearts. Just my thoughts.

Jetta