You see when the affair was going on, she was receiving texts in my presence from the OM, messages on the computer etc and lieing to me about who they are from or what they were about.
Post A we clearly have massive trust problems, and just now WS got a message on her phone. I pointed out she had a msg and so she picked up the phone and turned it away from me to reply - no offer of who it was from. I asked her and she said her brother, but still no "evidence" (didn't show me phone).
This erupted into a row, on my side saying I want to know, she saying but she told me? So I said "But right now your word means nothing to me".
Have to go - will finish later. Any advice welcome
You should assume that if she didn't show you that:
1. It was from the OM (other man).
2. She's doesn't get "it" yet - the need for NC (no contact).
Advice:
1. Be patient.
2. Be calm.
3. Just tell her what you are thinking. It might go something like this:
The reason I ask about the phone messages is that I need to know where we stand. You have already told me that you are trying to maintain a friendship with this person. You need to know that this hurts me very much. If you don't show me the messages then I will assume they are from the OM and that where we stand is that you are not committed to our relationship. Finally, you need to know that I am experiencing an incredible amount of pain. I am willing to forgive you. I am willing to be patient. I am not sure how long I can bear this pain. It could be a day, a week, or a month, I will bear it as long as I can. But, you need to know that this will not continue as it is. Something will need to change and I expect it will need to change sooner rather than later.
I don't know if others will agree with my approach, its just one opinion. I'm 2 months out of DDay.
The msg wasn't from the OM, and as far as I can tell - from any challanges I've made on comms, NC holds, at least on her part. The OM did sent a couple of msgs to start with, that she showed me and then I suggested a reply to ask him not to contact any more, which she also showed me. He has only made one contact since, which she also showed me, that went along the lines "It hurts so much being away from you like this. I hope you are ok." Which I thought was a totally evil thing to send, since that made her feel increadibly guilty.
Anyway the bottom line was that although she was showing me things when I asked - I had to ask every time, the default was to hide things. This meant that I always feel guilty because i have to probe all the time.
The argument may have cleared the air a little though - because she has now given me her password for facebook, so I could if I wanted check up any time. And yet because she's done that - I don't feel the need to.
You're right, when the WS starts to become open the need to check up goes down. I still check my H's e-mail most days, not because I suspect something from her (he's too clever for that) but because it connects me with him, especially now when he is on the other side of the world from me.
I wanted to comment on OM's final message which made your wife feel guilty. This is exactly what my H's OW did, and it went on for a year of him trying to leave her feeling good and her putting the blame (in the nicest possible way) on him: telling him he had given up on their love, that she would never feel the same way about her H as she did about him, that if they didn't have families they would have been together, that she was prepared to wait forever for him etc etc. He just couldn't do the no contact thing while she was making him the bad guy, until I found out they were still exchanging sweet nothings with each other. Then he realised that it was a choice - wear the black hat for her or for me. That was when he finally came out of the fog, accepted his responsibility but also HERS for the affair, and that she had to deal with in on her own. Your wife's OM may try this for a while, putting the blame for any pain he feels onto her, so you just need to be there to help her deal with it and to reassure her that OM is an adult who can look after himself.
We do have to accept that the WS goes through their own grieving period, for the loss of the fantasy that was the affair, for their own loss of integrity, for the pain they have cause the BS. In the early stages healing is about surviving our own pain, but there does come a point when it's about the marriage and the WS as well. And as you say, sometimes having a row is helpful, provided nothing is said or done which hurts the reconciliation process. I think you handled it well.
My H didn't show or offer any information unless it was asked for. Drove me nuts. But, its complicated. Not wanting to cause hurt, not wanting to add fuel to the fire, not wanting to think about what he did and how bad I would judge it to be. It has been very difficult, almost impossible to get documentation from him. I've had to get some of it myself. I'm just about to tell him that if he doesn't get bills from his accounting department I'm going to call and have them drop it off on his desk. I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to ask about it at work because he thinks they will suspect the reason for his request and that he doesn't want to revisit the details of his affair because he's so ashamed. Either that or he's hiding something really big from me! Maybe he spent a bundle of money on a big gift or flew to Vegas for an evening or some such thing. Whatever I've found out when I've pushed for facts is always worse than the worst I could think of. I'm trying to be prepped for whatever the next big surprise is. I hope when I see the docs that its no big deal - but like I said, its never been that so far.
He's been open about showing me his blackberry whenever I want to look at it.
Just reassure her that its going to take more than 6 days to rebuild trust and she just needs to humour you and keep showing you the messages that it means alot to you.
I knew my W was serious about reconciliation when she ofered to give me all her Livejournal and private email passwords, and then deleted those accounts on my request. And if she got a text from anyone, she would let me see it if I asked her to.
My H said he had asked for the docs from Accounting, the girl apparently has been out. We'll see. He said he called the florist for the copy of the card too. Whatever.
