Adam all that you are experiencing the highs and lows of emotions are so normal in an A...
The Thames is a little murky choose a cleaner river if you must jump... as all the things unfold don't make any permanent decisions for a while.. right now you are reeling from the trauma.. The same feeling you are experiencing are the same thing your wife felt when she was raped..
She has to heal as do you. She has to understand what she did to you in her A... once she does fully understand that, then your relationship can begin to heal...you just keep working on yourself right now, take care of Adam.
We all send you big ((((((hugs))))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
sorry for any misspellings.
This message has been edited by dancin-gal on Jun 18, 2007 9:15 PM
I got a barge load of fairyhugs here. Where do you want me to offload them?
fairyfriend
PS As Pat says, what you are experiencing is so normal. I couldn't concentrate to do my job either. Quite a few folks here have written the same. You are perfectly sane, just hurting.
Hang in there. I know what you are talking about. The first month after D-Day felt like a big blur. I found myself many times staring at my computer and I am amazed that I still have a job. The pain, thoughts and emotions really sometimes consumes you. There were times that I sat at work and had trouble keeping the tears in, it felt like there was 200lb on my chest and I just felt hopeless, lost and sad. I am still struggling but it definitely is better. Stay strong and just take it one day, one moment at a time. Also, do not make any life altering decisions now. You are still very hurt and emotional and would not be able to make a clear, well thought through decision.
Buck up - you will survive and then you will realize that the Thame would have been a poor choice - you would have just bounced off the garabage
As hard as it seems, life will get better. And just remember the best advice I have ever been given about this - never make any decisions when everything is emotionally volatile, especially life altering ones (so no tattoos with her name crossed out )
I know the depths of pain and hopelessness you are feeling. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to stop the bleeding of this moment. Get up take a deep breath and get a big glass of water. Take a few minutes and go for a walk. The goal right now is to survive minute by minute. Remember the pain of today wont last and you will feel better. We are all here for you. HUGS, HUGS, HUGS.
Normal Normal Normal. You're probably already sick of hearing that word. Pain this deep just shouldn't be "normal."
And there's no pain reliever you can swallow that will cure this pain, or make the time speed up.
Adam, the reason you keep hearing "It's normal" is because we have ALL experienced the PAIN you bear right now.
I remember after D-day #2, I wanted to drink myself stupid, jump off the roof landing directly on my head, successfully ending my pain. I was prepared to do that, but H called a friend of mine to the house to stop me. That was a month before finding HH.
Sometimes I think now....How could I have been so ready to give up on living? I was not responsible for any of this pain, but the pain was still there in living color! I could not control my H's actions. Only my own.
And then I thought....WAIT!! HOLD ON!!! If I hurt myself what message would that be sending the OW??? AS IF SHE HAD SOMETHING OVER ME!!
After d-day #3, I calmly packed his things and kicked him out. I even remember telling him that he'll be back crying at my door. I visited a lawyer and started D proceedings.
I would say we were at the precipice of our 34 years together.
That was January. We mildly celebrated our 35th anniversary yesterday. No hoopla. Lots of tears and hugs. Lots of talking. Lots of regret. And, hopefully, the start of the next 35.
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
You are all so wonderful, and I don't know how because I'm going to be so useless in comparison. If you've all been through this and still have the loving compassion to be there for me you are all amazing wonderful people.
Hate to say it but I badgered a guy from work to go to the pub with me, I just couldn't face going home. Either even though or maybe because she wouldn't be there. So this isn't coming to you totally sober.
Am home now.
I've been taking my ring on and off all day.
Glad to see so many people taking the dark humor on the thames, was very much to my taste so good call, although americans should brush up on their spelling of british rivers
I can spell Mississippi after all
Got to wait for her to come home now... Hopefully not a long wait, but then again she's not likely to let me know when she's coming home. I'm only her husband. The number of times I cried myself to sleep when she was having the A.
It hurts so bad - I'm sorry I'm filling the board with junk. I am beginning to understand the etiquette is to wait a while and then start posting when you are saner. So sorry all.
Thankfully I at least have been told where she is. And its a good sign. She arranged to meet up with one of the female (married) friends in the group to talk to and has texted me to say it is really helping her. Here's hoping that this provides the opportunity for NC with the ************er.
Thank you for all the hugs. They are very much appreciated. You are all such wonderful people. Makes me wonder how come I married someone who could hurt me so much when there are people like you lot out there.
My computer should stop me posting after drinking.
Sorry all.
Moderator feel free to delete me. I don't mean to be annoying.
I don't recall EVER reading anywhere that there is a required time to wait before posting. Young man, you feel free to post whenever you need to vent, cry, share, scream, laugh, hide, seek assurance or whatever your need is. We have ALL been there. I found this board three months after Dday #2. It was a godsend.
Now, lay off the booze, buster, because it will NOT help you. And hey, I know how to spell Thames--I even know how to pronounce it! (Of course there are still place names in my neighboring state of Wisconsin that I'm not too sure about. )
Take care of yourself, especially at work. Take time off if you can. Take it from me. I was such a mess at work, that I did get fired a month after d-day. I was such a zombie.
Although I do have a much better job now, I didn't need the added trauma of being unemployed at the time.
Actually, this Canadian just can't type! (where is that tupid "s"?)
As for the humour, I come by it honestly. You should have heard my family the day after my grandfather died. My grandmother went through his wallet and said "Wouldn't it be funny if I found a condom." The priest spit up his coffee!
I think I may be related to your grandmother because that sounds like the kind of smartass comment I would make! What a fabulous grandmother she must be.
Mate, you sound like I felt 1 week after D-Day. Don't give up, it gets better. I can't blame you for not being able to work, either. I was convinced my company was going to fire me (I started there les than a week after D-Day, so was still on probation when I fell apart). Your pain is manifest to everyone here, which is why you have more hugs than you can deal with!
One day at a time. It's like surviving being shelled, you just have to dig in and wait for the blasts to start easing up.
Take a deep breath, and decide you WILL make it. If you lie down, you die, so DON'T LIE DOWN! You have the strength to make it, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.
Dave
P.S.
You must live in London if the Thames is full of garbage, because it's beautiful up here in sunny Oxfordshire - on a hot day the kids in Wallingford swim in it, and right now Henley is abuzz with preparations for the Royal Henley-on-Thames rowing regatta (buggering up the traffic, toffee-nosed sods). Still, don't knock the Thames!
Oh yes, and don't apologise for posting. I vented my anguish in a constant torrent for several months from my first posting, and the people here just opened their arms. (Okay, sometimes they hit me with a 2X4, but who's worried - )
This message has been edited by shoozul on Jun 18, 2007 5:51 PM
HUGS HUGS HUGS.. they may not be a real one but sometimes people can touch you through words. what you are feeling hurts and sucks. and you think you will never feel anything but pain again... YOU can do this YOU deserve to treat yourself better.
Hey listen to me given advice that others have given me LOL.. it does work.. Maybe not today or tomorrow or in a week but some where you will find the strength to carry yourself on....
Yahhhhhh.....was out of work for a week before dday or partial days and didn't do a dang thing when I was at work, was out after dday. Then I'm in such a visible position I just told everyone that I had a huge family issue that I was dealing with and I just wouldn't be myself for a week or so. It was good timing, it kept a whining employee from getting her butt canned if she had walked in the office that day with her trivial complaint! A week later I told them I was fine. Not everyone could do that, but in my situation it was absolutely necessary.
Turned out my sister was in the hospital fighting for her life, then to save one of her arms due to drug use. I found this out the day after dday. So, had a story, true even to use if needed. Sadly, for my sister, I had no energy to support her as I was too distracted. Now that she's recovered she understands my lack of communication during that time.
I still have a day or two a week where I just contemplate life or construct an e-mail to my H that I never send. Today was one of those days. You'll find a lot of relief in actually getting something done at work. Even if its answering an e-mail or going to a meeting. You're mind might be off of the A for a few minutes.
