Well, this weekend I moved back in with H, but only as far as I have the spare room. He kept offering to give me the master bedroom and Imanaged not to rip hima new one by pointing out that I don't want to sleep where he and OW had been. Plus, I have a new bed and his smells like cat piss (I like my cat - he showed loyalty by having "accidents" on H's bed when OW was there ). Turned out he was just saying that just so he wouldn't have to hear me complain about a lack of closet space. OK, so I will keep my mouth shut on that point but, if he brings it up again, I will point out how his "geneorus offer" would suck for me.
I have noticed, though, that he is not hiding going ont he internet from me - an improvement of there ever was one. He has explained every other contact on Facebook and ICQ and even tried to cancel them (I saw him swearing at his computer as the programs kept thwarting him). Of course, this could also be due to wanting to keep a lower profile for his job, but I ain't complaining.
I know he is still chatting with the OW, he hasn't hid that but he also tries hard not to rub it in my face (I don't think he understands how much it hurts jus tknowing, even without seeing). He won't admit that he is hedging his bets with both of us but has said that he hasn't told her that we are trying to work things out. The last time they talked about "where they are going", he claims, was back in Feb. when he and I were barely speaking and I was ready to be gone for good. He hasn't told her I am renting a room from him. Does that make me the OW now, despite having the paperwork that says otherwise?
I wish he would come clean with her, but he says he doesn't want to rock the boat or hurt her, that she is a good person and I probably would have liked her under different circumstances (we had this conversation in detail months ago - I agreed and said that, if he had handled it differently, I would have had no problem with him inviting a friend to stay at OUR condo. But he didn't). I pointed out to him that, once he told her he was married, all sympathy for her from me were gone. "Nice girls" don't date married men. That is one of the things that makes them nice.
I take some comfort in the fact that he is truthful with me, even if it is painful. But, there are times when I wish I was blissfully ignorant. But, then again, that would make the shock of being kicked out even ruder. Atleast this way I can save up for my exit strategy (though where I am going to find almost $2000 to move is beyond me. Even though I am going to sue him for it - we had a verbal contract before we married that he would move me home if we ever broke up, I still have to pay for it up front. The prospect of borrowing money from family and going deeper in debt is not a fun one) and prepare a place to land when I leave.
You know the worst part - he told me was going to volunteer with the city this summer ("to get another piece of paper that says he's a nice person") but didn't both to tell me it would be for Canada Day. I am mad but not shocked. It wouldn't be the first holiday he has left me wondering what to do while he goes off and has fun. The irony will be that, if I do go off and do something, he will probably feel a need to lecture me on keeping myself safe and not going out in crowds, etc. He did that last year when I went to volunteer for the exact same festival and he was overseas. He makes me feel like everyone is out to hurt me when the reality is that he is the only who ever has. He seems to forget that I travelled the world solo long before I met him.
Then, I start thinking of how, regardless of what happens, I will be alone for my birthday, either as pathetic, soon to be divorced woman or a sympathetic military wife who's husband is on course and will be contacted by family members of those in his new trade (because they take care of there own). If I could hold out hope for option 2, option 1 wouldn't terrify me so much. But option 1 is my default untill he stops talking to OW and realizes what a great wife he has waiting for him.
I can't wait for him to get his course date. He hates being nagged (which is asking him any question more than once), and I want to ask him who he will miss more when he is on course. Right now, when directly confronted, his responses include "I don't know", "quit bugging me"(I have only asked him this three times), "a lot can change in 6 months" (time until OW comes back to Canada), and "I can't imagine life without you in it." WTF!
I am confused,lonely and trying to find something to look forward too. I came up with the last one, I think. Harry Potter is out in theatres soon. H has offered to take me (though I imagine we will be going dutch. He seems to never want to treat me to anything anymore. I wish had a b/f like his g/f who bought me coffee or even flowers). I keep telling myself that that is somethign positive to look forward to.
I'm thinking the 180 is sounding better and better all the time!!! Don't you have a (girl)friend to go out with for coffee in the evening or a cheap movie to go see, or even window shopping at the local mall (relatively free). Don't you feel like dressing up, wearing makeup, and doing your hair--just to feel good about yourself--when you do so? I am NOT telling you that I think you should try to make him jealous, but I am telling you that paying attention to yourself FOR yourself, doing activities that make you happy, preferably without including or informing H what you are doing or where or with whom would likely put him on notice that you are NOT going to be second best or second fiddle for anyone!!!
I'm blowing fairy dust your way, because I have the feeling that you can positively glow when you feel like it, and I hope you feel like it soon. You DESERVE more happiness in your life after all the crap you have dealt with.
Encouraging fairy hugs,
fairyfriend
PS If he isn't paying for your ticket to see the new HP movie, why bother to go with him? Go when you want to, and then when he mentions it, tell him you have already seen the movie . . .
You are right, JJ. I am just wallowing in self-pity right now. I hate the fact that I just have to bide my time before I can act. I resent the fact that I have to do anything to make the situation better (if I had the money for the mortgage, I would kick H out - he even offered as much. But, because I gave up my career to follow his, I make so much less than he does (and I live in a province which doesn't believe in spousal support - don't get me started!) He can't chose to leave (miliary owns him) or get counselling (makes him a security risk). So, I am the one stuck having to adapt and change while he gets to have all the fun. His only consequences have been having me around a lot less (he says he liked the peace and quiet) and no money (he is paying off the debt of having OW) which means he thinks he can get brownie points for wanting to buy me flowers even though I know he doesn't have enugh money to feed himself (I've seen the bare cupboards).
I just need to go home and lockmyself in my room and, if he asks why, tell him the truth - today I don't like very much and, when he gets angry (his usual repsonse to any R talk) and asks why, I will just point out that, today, the A is killing me. Tommorrow I will probably be okay, but today I am just want to call the movers and go. In fact, I am have tempted to pack a bag, get in the car and just drive away from it all. Considering how much I hate the idea of starting over with nothing, that speaks volumes.
OK, so he can't get IC because of the security risk, yada, yada, yada. Well, if he is at all serious about trying to at least give your marriage a chance, then the VERY LEAST he can do is to read every frickin' book, article, website, etc. about A. He can educate himself. Nobody but himself is stopping him from doing that.
And he can make all the cheap claims about wanting to buy you flowers, etc. but can't because he has no money to do so, but at this stage talk is cheap, cheap, cheap. You aren't asking him to make insincere gestures like buying you flowers. You are asking him to work on your marriage--which means working on himself. Let him put his (lack of) money where his mouth is!
FF - that is where my problem is - I have no other friends here. No family either. It is not because I don't want any or that I resent other women or anything. It is just that I do not work with any other women (I work for software engineers) and I live in an area that hates me because my first language is English (something the realtor conviniently forgot to mentin when showing us the neigborhood!) What friends I did have I met through H's job (not an uncommon occurance among military wives) or was starting to form through the church (before the priest announced that I was being replaced as the music leader because I had moved to Alberta just as I seperated from H. His chain of command has been notified but this doesn't change the unwelcome feeling I get there).
I have one friend who puts up with me going over, but her husband is undergoing cancer treatment and she has 3 teenage daughters to ferry around. I am a country girl stuck in the big city and have spent the last year trying to figure out how you make friends when you don't have kids. I have tried evening classes but everyone is too busy to do more than just show up. I tried volunteering, filled out the form and was told someone would contact me (please don't contact them) - the event has been over for 2 weeks and I am still waiting to find out where/when I was supposed to show up. I have tried talking to strangers in line and have had people just look at me strangely and walk away. Heck, I started IC and my counsellor didn't show up! It is enough to make me think seriously that there is something wrong with me. Maybe I am a social misfit and no one has wanted to hurt my feelings by telling me.
As for him not paying, maybe I should point out that I want a date and that, if he won't take me, then I will find someone who will (which, if he stands by what he said earlier about not being able to put up with me dating someone else, means he will kick me out and change the locks, leaving me homeless.)
I would go out to the bar by myself and just blow off some steam, but I am too smart to know that going to a bar without someone watching your back is dangerous.
I am sorry. I know how challenging meeting new people can be. I am lucky to live in a very friendly part of the states, but in the state we lived in before (which shall remain nameless) I found making friends to be nigh on impossible. The one good friend I made there was from further west in that state, and she told me that SHE had problems making friends and she had lived in that area for a good ten years before I met her! She is a dear, sweet person, perfectly normal, so I felt relieved that I didn't have a case of invisible leprosy.
Some places are just colder than others. I'm not sure why.
Well, I know it sounds cliche, but just spend time going to the library and free museums, if those are possibilities.
Of course you feel lonely. Who wouldn't under the circumstances?
I understand about the language barrier.
Can you take french lessons anywhere? I know from traveling in Quebec and around the Gaspe Peninsula that my being able to speak French made me accepted (and thus my H) and treated very nicely.
It is a shame.
You don't have to go to a bar or go on a date.
How about finding clubs/groups to join that share your common interests? I know that our local newspaper lists quite a few clubs and lectures weekly. Perhaps you can find something just to get out of the house.
I would be happy to have coffee with you and pal around if you lived closer (and didn't mind hanging out with a 51 year old! )
FF - Here is the irony about the French thing - I speak it, just not the dialect they speak here. My mother's first language is french and I looked forward to moving to Quebec tobe able to become fluent. Unfortunately, the politcs that are wrapped up in the language here, as well as the very distinct way of speaking (i.e. a prominent politician complained recently that his daughter couldn't understand the French dubbed version of Shrek because they weren't using Quebecois french but standard, Parisian. He actually put forth a bill to force Hollywood to use local voice actors for the dubbing!)
My Alberta francophone grandmother lived here for a few yers 40 years ago and had the same complaints. She actually had people asking her where in France she was from (yet she had never visited another country). To say that the people here are, in general (and there are always exceptions) cold would be very accurate. It is horrible being made to feel like a foreigner when you work in your nation's capital.
Huh! You know, perhaps it is because you are in Quebec because I speak standard French (albeit quite rusty from disuse), but when we went on vacation there (18 years ago admittedly), where I got the most friendly response was out in the countryside, in the small towns. One native French-speaking Canadian actually apologized to me, saying my French was better than his! Obviously, I was a bit taken aback by his comment. I reassured him that it wasn't; it was just different as he was speaking Canadian French to my standard French.
Sometimes it isn't the language so much as the attitude we sometimes find in large cities.
Dang! I wish I had a good suggestion for you.
I know that when I frequent the small places and make pleasant small talk and pay attention to the people working there and comment on their day, pretty soon I get remembered, greeted with a smile and I feel like I am getting special treatment. I know that isn't the same as actually making friends, but it certainly helps us to keep the feeling of someone knowing we are alive and recognizing our humanity. Does that make sense, or do I need to go get more coffee?
I know that being the outsider stinks, to say the least.
FF - what you said makes perfect sense and I just happen to be living in a politically charged part of the country (short version - some Quebecers feel perpetually victimized by anglos and want to leave Canada and I happen to live in one of the areas that believes that, despite the fact that half the population works in federal government jobs.). H and I figured that all the negatives we heard about the place were due to standard anti-Quebec bias and moved here anyway. Now we know better.
My only solution to the isolation is to leave (which means way lower income tax!) either by leaving H or him getting posted anywhere else (which is greatly possible). I tried being friendly and, for the first 6 months, would come home in tears from the interactions (because I could understand quite clearly what they were saying when they thought I couldn't understand). It is part of the reason our R started to deterrate - I was always crying and felt so helpless - not attractive qualities. Add to the fact that nothing seems to go right (you saw my list) and everytime we turn around the provincial government is charging us for something else, and I had a hard time feeling positive about anything. I tried not to care, and it works sometimes, but it is hard.
There is no excuse for bad manners! It sounds like you were very much the victim of them. Did you ever pin anyone's ears back for their behavior? Just wondering . . . Of course, I am a little older than you are, and I have found that between the combination of getting older and having dealt with all the sh*t of an A, I just don't tolerate unacceptable behavior at all anymore. I simply do not have the patience for it. Now when faced with situations where I used to swallow my hurt or anger, I tell folks firmly and politely that they are out of line. If they don't like what I have to say, then that's their problem, but I don't ever again want to go home angry with myself for not having spoken up. It's funny how I've noticed that I get treated more respectfully now.
Dang! If I could only win the lottery, I could come visit you, and we could go have lunch and chew out anyone who was snide to us.
I can certainly understand wanting to move away from a place where you are treated like a leper.
Sorry doll!
ff
edited to add a sentence
This message has been edited by fairyfriend on Jun 19, 2007 3:19 PM
). Turned out he was just saying that just so he wouldn't have to hear me complain about a lack of closet space. OK, so I will keep my mouth shut on that point but, if he brings it up again, I will point out how his "geneorus offer" would suck for me.
