We have been married for 8 years together for 10.
7 months ago I found out my H was having an affair. I was devastated to say the least and was 8 1/2 months pregnant with our third child. 7 years ago I had an affair and was forgiven so I told my H that if he ended his relationship I would stay and try to work through his affair. I had a one night stand he had an EA that included 2 months of sexual contact but was months of friendship mostly hidden from me. 7 weeks after D-Day I went online and looked at his cell records and found out that he had continued to call her daily. I was so angry and was ready to leave but he got transfered to another store and daily contact wouldn't be a problem and the fact that I could access his cell records stopped that. So I stayed and we have been working on surviving he did see her 1 time but I had to ask if he saw her and he called her once and he told me weeks after the fact when I asked. I do have a problem with the fact that she gave him a necklace that was hers for him to have to remember her by and she also gave him a journal which she wrote poems to him in. I have demanded that he get rid of them but he wants to give them back to her. I don't have a problem with him giving her the necklace back but I have a huge problem with him giving the journal back because he wrote stuff in it including a note that he wrote recently which was about the first time that he met her and how he started falling in love with her that day and that he will never forget that. We have huge issues to work through and he needs to reverse the walls and windows in our marriage and in the affair. I just keep trying to be patient and tell him that I love him but lately I feel like we might not make it especially since he still thinks about her every couple of days and I can sense when that happens because he closes a part of himself off to me and I start to panic thinking that he might have contacted her again. I told him the other day that he needs to open up about his affair and share it with me so that there aren't all these secrets that he has from me. I feel like that if he didn't have all the secrets that would be the first step in rebuilding trust. Can anyone offer any suggestions as to how I can get him to open up and tell me about the affair.

Hey, Kelly. I'm so sorry you find yourself here, but know that you are welcome and we will do all we can to help you and/or your H find their way.

Your question is a bit tough. I'm not sure that there is a way to get him to open up, unless he's ready to do that. You said its been 7 months since you found out about his A. Have you both been in counseling since then? IC? MC?

You know if you've been reading here much that NC is an absolute must for there to be a shot at reconciliation, and it sounds like that's something he's been fighting tooth and nail...even if its in a quiet, secretive form of "fighting".

With a new little one in the house (congratulations by the way:) ), I'm sure you're absolutely drained, sleep-deprived and running on empty...and that's without factoring in the emotional turmoil of what's happening between you and your H. When you do talk with him, does it end up being a yelling, angry situation or are you able to really talk and listen to one another? Do you feel like he's remorseful? It's a bit hard to tell from your post.

As for the necklace and journal. I know in my situation there were books, cologne (so her scent could be here in the house: grrrrr and ew!!!), and other odds and ends. Whatever I was able to determine was a result of their A, possession transferred to me and I decided what to do with those items. That was non-negotiable. I didn't want to foul the air with A-tainted fumes, so nothing was burned, but fond memories and trinkets did not get returned to original owners and everything was destroyed or discarded.

Can you give us a feel for where the two of you are at emotionally with all of this? Where his heart is at in terms of you and your kids?

Again, we welcome you into the fold. ((hugs)) I know its a horrible time. We understand. BlueIris

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

Hi Kelly,

Welcome, and I am sorry you are going through this pain.

May I suggest you print out a copy of Joseph's Letter from the Helpful Links and give it to him? You may have to get him to read it more than once, so that the message sinks in.

His behavior is pretty normal, BTW, for a WS.

I'm flying off to sleep now, but I know others will respond to welcome you here.

Gentle fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

Thank you for your kind words and welcome.

Yes he is very remorseful he feels awful for what he did and how bad he hurt me. He says just really fell in love with this woman. I don't think he ever recovered from my affair and our marriage hasn't been the most healthy relationship for quite awhile. We have horrible communication skills and we both have been resentful at each other for awhile. We have had no counseling I am not working at the moment so money is too tight for that. Hopefully we will be able to start as soon as I start to work again. When we talk half the time we talk calmly and half the time we end up fighting.
He is a great father and is a fun guy to be around. I am really in love with him and he says that he loves me but did tell me 7 months ago that he wasn't in love with me. I don't know if that has changed at all.

Kelly

I also want to welcome you to Healing Hearts.

As you have read Joseph's letter is a wonderful tool to help your H understand what you are looking for. I think I printed the letter our many times when I needed an answer for questions that kept creeping up.

You can find it on the healing link on the left side of the page.

Communication is the most important tool in healing...when there is no communication then that is when the fears surface. The hardest part is hearing how much the WS "loved the OP" the reality is that the love was based on lies, the secret nature of the A magnifies the feeling of love... if your H had an open daily relationship with the OW he would still have to be responsible for the reality...ie taking out the garbage, the daily life chores, mowing the lawn, shoveling the snow all the stuff in life that is not fun. fantasy vs reality.

As far as returning the journal No way would I return it ...anything I found that OW gave my H is in the trash...you can donate the necklace, but the trash can works too.. this is just my opinion but why give her back the necklace...did she return anything your H gave her?

((((hugs)))

pat







"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

I struggled with this too. I'm 2 months from dday (discovery day). Getting men (I am generalizing here so men please don't get all pissy on me) to open up and express feelings that relate to failure, grief, and weakness is challenging on a normal day, almost impossible after dday. So, don't judge him for not just pouring out his story and feelings to you right away. It'll come in small slow pieces and you may never know everything you feel like you deserve to know.

I'm going to give a shot at this, but I'm no therapist so I'll just tell you some things that worked for me.

1. Ask why he gave himself permission to do this. (I got that from a website) He'll probably say that he doesn't know. Just ask him to think about it and let him know that you won't judge him for whatever his reason is, you just want to support him so you can build a stronger relationship. A couple days later ask him again. No matter what his answer is, it is going to seem trivial and not a valid reason - because really there is no reason that is good enough. This is your opportunity, however, to build his trust in you to express his feelings. He is probably very confused right now, grieving over lost love of the OW, wondering why he did it, etc.
2. Ask him if he used protection. Every time. Is he sure? (Then still go to the doctor and get yourself checked out, just in case.)

Think about what you really need to know. As women we often want to know all of the details. There are many details I asked about that I really don't need floating around in my head right now and I would have been better for not have asked.

3. I asked if he loved her, but you already know that he did so you can skip that one.

4. Ask him if he is maintaining NC (no contact).

5. Ask him if on your wedding day he ever thought he would have an affair. ( I haven't asked this one or the next one yet - use at your own risk )

6. Ask him what changed. (If you went 7 years since your A, it may not be that. The lack of communication or some other issue may be the cause and that you had one made him feel like he could have one.) It may be that you need to have some counseling so you can talk about both A's and truly recover from both.

7. I asked when did it start and when did it end. It helped me to know that when I suspected it started and validated my feelings that "something was going on".

My problem is that I'm not always ready to hear the truth. So, I've told him not to tell me anything that I don't ask for unless there is something that he needs to get off of his chest. Now I'm asking small detail questions to practice my response so that I can demonstrate to him that I can respond without crying, yelling, screaming, or using the information he gives me to make him feel like a jerk later on.

A couple of days ago I asked him where he put his wedding ring when he went to see her? In his pocket, in the safe. I felt that tinge of anger that he treated our symbol so flippantly. Took a deep breath set the anger aside and asked if he had told her he was married why did he take the ring off. He said it was just too weird to wear it. So he knew right from wrong, he took off his ring and transported himself to fantasy work and then just like the power rangers put it back on and zapped himself back into the boring existence of our marriage/reality (we'd only been married 7 months, together for 3 years - not sure how it got boring that fast). And, I wonder if she really knew he was married. But, I didn't say any of that, I just put it away and said I understood and then went back to talking about other things. Now I must be vigilant in not using this information when I get sad or angry.

I hope some of this helps but if it doesn't seem appropriate to your situation, just toss it!