Hi - i discovered this site yesterday and have been so relieved to find others who have gone through what I have been going through...I have never been part of a forum like this, I hope there are others that can give me some advice. My story - met my husband in college, dated throughout and got married at 24. We had our ups and downs but I always though we were the best of friends. We are now 30 and we have been married for close to 6 years. My husband was always loving, affectionate, we'd travel and spend all our time together. In March, he threw me a huge surprise b-day party for me, planned a weekend away in NY...the following week he suddenly became distant. He had gotten a bad review at work and said the it was devastating to him. He proceeded to become very withdrawn, saying that he needed to reevalute his life, he had to "find himself"...he suddenly stopped being affectionate, the "i love yous" stopped, I questioned and questioned and he said that he just needed time and space to figure things out for himself. He asked me to find him a therapist. I was really concerned but couldn't help but take this distance personally...things between us got really tense and he ended up spending three weeks at his parents house to give us some space. We talked every day and night though...he came home and we continued to try to figure out what was going on. 4 days ago I found out that he was having an affair, one that started 3 months ago...i found a note in his briefcase from the OW, saying that he was the love of her life, she loved him sooo much, inviting him to meet her at a hotel...I confronted my husband and he revealed that he found a "connection" with her and has had an intimate relationship with her for over a month. I am shocked, devastated, crushed, confused, ANGRY, disguisted, all these alwful images in my mind...i can't beleive I stood by his side during his "life crisis" and all this time, he was having an affair?!? I don't know what to do? This is a man that i love, i have spent the last 12 years with him!!! I know its only been 4 days but what do I do? What do i demand of him? What do i do with myself? Is there anyone that can offer me some advice please
Dear Ka - Welcome. I am so sorry that circumstances find you here. And yet at the point that you have been betrayed, I am so glad you found this site. Our "family" here is a wonderful network of caring people that truly understand your heartache. Feel free to come here and vent, cry, ask, whatever...there is almost always someone nearby to reply (though especially in the beginning, it can be hard to wait for an answer).
4 days out from Dday: A big part of what you should be trying to do right now is to take care of yourself. Try to eat, sleep, take vitamins, get fresh air. All of these things can feel like too big of an undertaking when your world is crumbling. But they are important pieces to surviving.
Its a bit hard to tell from your story how remorseful your H is. Does he regret what he did? Has he completely cut off contact with OW? What information do you have about her? How did they meet? Is she married?
One of the first things I did was to call the OW's husband. I definitely felt he had the right to know what was happening. It also meant another pair of eyes and ears would be watching to see if contact continued.
I also got in touch with our rabbi who sat down with us. I had hoped for more guidance - - step by step instructions of what we should do next. That didn't happen, though he said with so much seriousness and gravity in his voice, "getting through this will be the hardest work you ever do." He has been so right.
The next thing for us was for finding a marriage counselor (MC). She also became my IC and my husband got a separate IC. Being able to talk through what's happened, and getting all your questions answered over time will be very important. You will hear this over and over again, and it just can't be said enough. The A had nothing to do with you. Nothing you did made your H do this.
My head swirled with questions 24/7 after I found out. H answered some things directly, evaded others, and somehow found it easy to sleep. This site became a source, and I started buying books on the subject.
I've got to dash. I've a little guy in the house that needs attending to, but I wanted you to have as quick of a response as possible with at least a few things to guide you on the path.
Again, Ka, I am so, so sorry this has happened. We'll do all we can on this end to show you different options that have ...or haven't worked for us. (((hugs))) BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
I want to welcome you to Healing Hearts. I am so sorry that you had to find us...
The first thing is to realize that the A is not your fault you did NOTHING to cause him to make the decision to have an A.
Next you can ask your H to have NC ( NO CONTACT) with the OW...there is a complete listing of abbreviations in the FAQ on the left side of the page.
This is your time to think about what you want...to save your relationship or leave...All I will say that right now is your emotions are in high gear so please don't make any serious decisions right now about your marriage. You will feel totally out of control and emotions swings from high to low...called the emotional roller-coaster.
Discussing your H's affair is something you really want to think about... who will support you and your marriage...some people will get upset if you don't divorce Him ASAP others will hold him in contempt and not be able to forgive him...
My suggestion is only tell someone who will support you and not judge your H's behavior. The members here on healing hearts are fully understanding of what you are going thru, we don't judge, we are giving you the best of our personable knowledge, because we have been where you are right now.
There are members who have maintained our relationship with our FWS ( former wandering spouse) the marriage can work with lots of hard work. other members have not stayed in the marriage
ON the helpful links there is the Dear peggy site.. reading there helped me ...Peggy is a Phd. who's H cheated and her site is so helpful.
I read here for months before I posted. I wasn't at all computer literate so I was scared to post learning how to do things.I went back and looked for posts that addressed my problems
Please post often it helps so much to realize that what you are going thru is normal...the validation feels so good.
Right now take care of your self...seek to see a Counselor that is the other key in healing for many. Ask your friends if they know a good counselor...check with your Dr..or your Church.
(((hugs))))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
This message has been edited by dancin-gal on Jun 20, 2007 5:48 PM
Thank you so much for responding so quickly...my head is spinning! To answer you questions about my H's remorse, i can't tell. I unfortunately had to confront him over the phone about it and didn't see him until the next day. On the phone he was pretty cold, distant, I called back and he was already on the other line with the OW. The next day I confronted him face to face and he was on the floor, crying, crumpled in front of me telling me how sorry and ashamed he was. We've been talking over the past few days but I still haven't heard the words "i love you" "please take me back" ... i don't know, maybe its too soon for that. Its only been 4 days. We did go see a MC counselor (it had been scheduled BEFORE the affair) which was helpful but still didn't provide enough answers. To answer you other question, the OW is not only married but has 2 children. To think that my H would be capable of not only cheating on me but be messing with somone else's family is beyond comprehension to me. Who is this man that I have been with? Could he have really fooled me all these years? Have I been married to a selfish, shallow human being? I just don't understand...
Your H is still trying to process what happened...he sees his world falling around him ...the OW is scared stiff that you will tell her H... if he doesn't already know...
The other thing you need to do is to be tested for STD... chances are your H didn't use any protection with the OW.. and you don't know what the OW sexual history is.
(((hugs)))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
Ka - I've been asking the "why" question for about 10 months now. Therapy, meds for H, and a lot of talking have maybe answered the "why", but I forever come up empty with an answer to "how". How could he do this? This moral, upstanding, man of integrity did what? With who? How? How? How? Sorry, I can only share your frustration on this one. These questions are the demons I face daily. Sigh. Sorry, not very helpful.
O.k., so the OW is married and has kids. There are definitely threads here that have discussed the pros and cons of contacting the OW's spouse. What are your thoughts on that? BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
I will add my welcome. All of our personal histories are different, all of our stories are different but we all know the indescribable pain, confusion and horror that come with the discovery of an A.
I totally relate to your shock. My H was always difficult but I never wavered in my belief in his integrity. I had been in IC before D Day and remember describing my H as volatile but very noble. I felt and still feel like such a fool to have believed in him. The honorable, decent man I married and with whom I thought I shared values turned out to be a lying cheater.
Over time, I have learned that it is so much more complicated. H had real issues which he is confronting and dealing with. And, I am actually perversely grateful to the trauma for forcing him to address his issues, which in his case included alcoholism and an abusive childhood.
I am now nearly 2 years past D Day. I can tell you that our M today is much better than it has ever been. We are much more honest with eachother and he is so much more respectful of my needs. We work hard at our M but that work feels good, like we are building something worthwhile and healthy. I can't tell you that I trust him yet nor can I tell you that I am no longer tormented by what he did. Yet, each day is a little better than the one before.
The progress is not a straight line - there have been dips, setbacks and huge leaps. But it is possible to get through this and end up in a better place, scars and all. I hope that you can find happiness again.
Im not much help to you at the moment because Im wallowing in my own misery but, you have come to the right place. These folks are wonderful, they have lived it and we all know where you are at and our hearts truely go out to you during this time, we have all felt the horror of what you are feeling. We are with you and support you, we will be your source of strength when you need us no matter what you are feeling. Welcome, Im so sorry you had to find us. Remember, one breath at a time one foot in front of the other. You will get through this. Take care of yourself.
I am sorry to have to welcome your to our group, but you should know you've reached THE BEST place to be in your horrible situation.
Reading your story rang bells with me:
H getting distant.
H not showing emotional love.
H needing to "find" himself...needing his own space.
H needing therapy...for my H, it seemed like a life crisis stage. (Turning 60, loss of parents, retirement looming...)
Then the bomb. The "I don't think I love you anymores," "I'm not in-love with you." This after almost 33 years of marriage.
and finally, "I think I'm in-love with someone else;" "I've forged a close friendship with another woman." His A wind up lasting 2 yrs with a married woman at work - also 2 kids; we had 3 D-days, culminating in my kicking him out in January and filing for D. That was the FOG opener for him, and we are back together for 5 months.
OK...looking back...what I didn't do,that NOW I wish I had:
1. CALL HER HUSBAND.
2. INSIST ON NO-CONTACT. Retire/quit your job...WHATEVER.
The odd thing, Ka, is that my H will NOW agree that I should have enforced these boundaries the first time he confessed. Had I done that, the A would have ended and we'd be in a "healthier" place. At the first confession, he cried and sobbed for a straight 24 hours. He was SO SO SORRY - his guilt had actually made him physically ill. He was ready to re-commit with our relationship, and I was so ready to forgive. I couldn't imagine that he would CHEAT, so I believed he would not cheat again - even when confronted with the OW at work.
I was wrong. They restarted the A two months later. Then confession #2, same-old, same-old...until I discovered the A had continued and we had D-day #3....the last one.
Note also, her H never found out until D-day #3 when I contacted OW and told her I WAS GOING TO TELL HIM. The OW cowardly left a note on his windshield (they had been married 30+ years, too), and went to live with my H at a hotel.
They were together 6 days when my H "woke up."
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
Welcome Ka, and my sympathies for what has happened. Remember, it was not your fault.
Some things to do right now:
(1) Make sure you eat
(2) Make sure you sleep
(3) Get STD testing
(4) Discuss this with your pastor and ask for support if you are part of a faith.
(5) Read, read, read.
If reconciling set the following boundaries:
(1) No lying, beginning right now. He probably will lie anyway, but set the boundary.
(2) No Contact, if contact is dictated by work circuimstances expect your husband to BEGIN NOW to change those circuimstances as much as possible.
(3) Expect your husband to contact OW right now and to establish the no contact boundary. He should not apologize to her, and the message should be very matter of fact and to the point.
(4) Expect 100% accountablity for your husband's time, who he contacts, and his behavior around women. Expect access to all email accounts, cell phones, cell phone records. Expect total tranparancy.
Start working on looking at how you interact with your husband to allow him to escape telling the truth. Work toward staying calm in discussions so that you can be aware of any avoidance strategies he is using.
Remember, this is not your fault. Remember, you are a desirable woman and he didn't choose her b/c of your faults, he chose her because he was selfish.
JJ - thanks for the reply -- our situations sound so similiar. Though my H hasn't come out with the words "i don't love you, i love her" he certainly hasn't said the opposite! He was crying hysterically, also sick to his stomach, but I think its all his own self pity, not because he's going to lose me!! I have definitely been struggling with whether or not to contat her husband. I go back and forth on what to do...my H has said to be so many times "this is between you and I" -- i can't believe that is his concern right now...protecting her! I will think about your words and think about contacting her H.
Hey, Ka. Hope today isn't horrific for you. I did a search on healing hearts for a thread that dealt specifically with the pros and cons of telling the OP's spouse. I hope it helps. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
Thanks for you concern BlueIris - today has been a mixed bag of emotions. I feel like i'm sitting around just WAITING...for what, I'm not sure of. I will be very interested to read others thoughts on telling the husband of the OW...
Ka,
Sorry you have joined the ranks of the BS. My H never confessed to me. OW's H told me. Sometimes I do wish that I would have never of found out. Maybe I would still feel "love" towards him. Then again, maybe he would of continued with the A and many more. Who knows. My somewhat full story is on Deeper Healing titled 365 days later. Even after OW's H told me, my H still denied it. I just don't know what happens to cause people to make that bad choice of having an A. The excitement? HHmmmm.... I think that they are not commited to us and themselves. Anyways, I'm not too good at giving advice but I have learned that A's really have nothing to do with us and we are not the blame or cause for them. Both my H and I had the same marital problems and it was he who decided to have the A. So many emotions happen and we are really all over the place with them. Just hang on and take it as it comes. I am so sorry for your pain.
If I had to do over everything (I had two Ddays, one in 1999 when he promised never to have anything else to do with OW, and one in 2004 when I discovered the A had continued until 2003), I would have been on the phone to OW's H so fast! I think that telling OW's H might have made a huge difference in how long their A would have lasted.
I believe the spouse in the dark deserves to know because s/he needs to get tested for STDs, have a chance to save his/her marriage, make a decision about his/her life; not knowing robs the spouse of the chance to choose. Telling the OP's BS removes the thick veil of secrecy.
That said, you do what you think you need to do that will be in your best interests.
I brought this posting up to my H (FWS) and my two suggestions on what I would have changed following the D-day #1, if I could:
His reaction:
On #1, the NC thing: He ABSOLUTELY agrees. He says it is necessary because he couldn't think clearly, nor could he stay away when thrown back into the lion's den. At the time he SWORE he would have nothing to do with her ever again -he even believed it, and that he was in control of the situation - but the temptation and thrill was too hard to resist. He had taken a bite and wanted the whole enchilada.
On #2, the telling the OP's S: He says ABSOLUTELY. It would have forced open a lot of truth and sparked him (and her) our of their proverbial fogs much earlier.
Just our two cents.
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
