I'm the type of person that shares and thankfully I am blessed with a lot of close friends. In the first couple of days after d-day, I was crazy with rage and emotion (still am) and revealed what my H did to my family and closest friends. Now I'm feeling regretful. I feel like i have involved too many people into my private and personal life and of course, i have everyone telling me to feel this way or that... i can't take back what i told them. I need the support for me, i know this, but at the same time I feel like i reacted too quickly and told too many people. Did anyone experience the same thing? What did you do about it?
Ask them to support you and your relationship with your H if he decides to stay in your marriage.
If they suggest a divorce then ask then not to share their thoughts with you because you are working on what is best for you... unless they have personal experience with infidelity and know the feeling you are experiencing then don't listen to their advice.
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
This is a tough one, Ka. Everyone in our town knew of my H's infidelity. I was like the Hillary Clinton of our area.
I remember thinking when the Bill/Hillary scandal erupted and she stayed with him: How could she? Has she no self-respect? If you ever cheated on me, husband, you'd be history! The doors will be locked!!!
Now I laugh at my ignorance. And that's exactly what it was: ignorance. Hillary was strong, committed, grounded. I was completely wrong. Marriages that survive an A have players who can take punches, who can forgive, who can learn from their mistakes, who can get past self-loathing, who can truly love another.
I had the opportunity to meet with Hillary on June 9th at a local rally. I looked her square in the eyes, took her hands in mine, and said, "We're sisters. Congratulations on your personal strength and compassion." She looked at me - wide eyed - and said, "Thank you. That means a lot to me."
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
I would thank them all for their support and suggestions and I would let them know that I was going to take some alone time and gather my thoughts. I would then do just that. Your H will no doubt be talking to some of these people and that behavior and statement will be consistant with the perception you are giving him(in my other post if you choose to go that route), again sparking him to wonder what is going on in your head. Him wondering what you thinking is priceless because it makes him, by his own will, think of you constantly. Him thinking of you helps clear "the fog". The OW will feel it and panic and make all the WRONG moves and eventually show her true colors which will not be very attractive to him. This is war, be quiet and calculated so as not to have any regrets. No one has ever been criticised for taking time to think. Doing that and staying calm and stable may work for you to your advantage and this situation may blow up on its own and resolve itself. If this doesnt work, you can always do something else later, if you make bad choices now you cant take them back.
I found that having key people in which to talk to very important in my recovery. I was lucky enough to have people who mostly listened. Sure they gave advise, but I took it in the spirit it was intended, even if I did not act on their advice. The important thing was that I had people to talk about it to. Those who are not helpful, simply don’t talk to about it anymore.
"Now I'm feeling regretful. I feel like i have involved too many people into my private and personal life and of course, i have everyone telling me to feel this way or that... i can't take back what i told them. I need the support for me, i know this, but at the same time I feel like i reacted too quickly and told too many people. Did anyone experience the same thing? What did you do about it?"
Ka, I can totally regret because I told 3 people and it backfired with 2 of them. I told H's Mom over the phone. She told me to take him for all he has and has refused to talk to him since then (even sent us the memorial cards from her father's funeral without an accompanying letter). She told his sister, who is 16 and acted like it to the news.
I told my priest, who then used this news to tell the parish that the reason I was no longer choir director is becasue I had moved away (lies - I am still here and was replaced for reasons no one has cared to tell me)
I told a friend and she has supported me, even though she doesn't understand why I stay. She is literally the only friend I have in town.
I wish I could unring the bell and not have told anyone. But I did and I live with the regret. Fortunately, it is the only regret I have about dealing with this.
I agree with the others, that you should concisely explain that this is your decision to make. You might offer that this is one decision where most people react different in the face of it than they think they would before hand. I believe there are statistics to prove this. There is no shame in changing your mind on this, and there is no shame in working hard to save a marriage.
