Yesterday with H blew me away. First, he decided not to volunteer for Canada Day (told me it was because he has bad experiences volunteering lately - he had his last Mess meeting Tues and, even thoguh he had been there a year and worked at lots of functions, no one said good-bye and they had already removed his picture. This despite that 2 guys left last month with less experience who did little but got certifcates and handshakes).
Then, he gave me a CD (Bon Jovi) and, when I asked why, he said he wanted to see if he could make me smile.
Then he told me about how lonely he is going to be with his only buddy being posted away starting today (and H even missed the mug out that he organized for his friend due to witnessing a car accident right before hand, while he was picking up the pizzas. H has no luck).
Then he asked if I wanted to go clothes shopping (I have gone from a 12 to an 8 in the last year, thank you very much). He seemed disappointed when I said I couldn't afford to go right now, maybe next week.
These are all things H did before last summer, when his attitude changed and paved the way for the A. I think he is starting to realize that, even though I have every right to treat him like dirt and walk away, that I don't. In fact, I seem to be the only one treating him with kindness. He had this notion that a marriage is about love and lust, and I am hoping that he is realizing that there is more to it than that.
As for not pushing, that has beenthe hardest thing. He has been on ICQ chatting with old girlfriends, but doing it with me next to him and telling me what is going on. He said he was surprised I was okay with it. I just said that it was the conversations he doesn't have in front of me that worry me (since I know he stills chats with the OW).
I remembered yesterday something his step-father once observed - H has to learn by making mistakes, no one can tell him what to do. H is the type of guy who, when told the stove is hot, would have to touch it to see if it is true. Thing is, if I try to knock his hand away, he will get angry at me and just try it when I'm not looking. But, if I let him touch the stove, he will be angry at himself and not do it again. It just hurts me so much to see him doing somethign that will hurt him and me.
It's good he's chasing after you, trying to hold you in the relationship. I think it shows that he at least wants both you and his affair relationships. Hopefully he can make the next step and see that he can't have both. But one step at a time, right?
>He has been on ICQ chatting with old girlfriends, but doing it with me next to him and telling me what is going on. He said he was surprised I was okay with it. I just said that it was the conversations he doesn't have in front of me that worry me (since I know he stills chats with the OW).
I thought your plan for "not pushing" was to prepare for life after divorce (and maybe give him a chance to experience it upfront), so when I read the first sentence I thought the reason you were going to give is that your weren't staking any claim to him anymore, so he was free to chat with whomever he wanted. I was a little surprised to read your real answer, but it was as if you were saying he could an "open" relationship with you. Did I misunderstand this?
"I thought your plan for "not pushing" was to prepare for life after divorce (and maybe give him a chance to experience it upfront), so when I read the first sentence I thought the reason you were going to give is that your weren't staking any claim to him anymore, so he was free to chat with whomever he wanted. I was a little surprised to read your real answer, but it was as if you were saying he could an "open" relationship with you. Did I misunderstand this?"
TomJ - I am preparing for a life without him, but only because that is what he claims he wants and, logistically, this is not something I can easily do (family and career are 4 provinces away). At the same time, I want to save my marriage and I know enough about his personality to know that ultimatums would only cause him to do the opposite of what I want.
As for an "open" relationship, he knows that is a no go. It is either me or OW. As for the women he was chatting with, I have met a few of them and I know he has no interest in them (weird and crazy are two good words to describe them). One of them was "bestman" at our wedding (H doesn't have many male friends) and tried to convince him the week before (after we had already eloped) to dump me and choose her. He categorically told her no and was posted soon after. Another woman sent him hate mail (she tracked him down to do this, too!). A third one is Mormon and he repeatedly has told me that, even if anything could have happened, she wasn't his type and showed me her picture to prove it.
I know it is weird that I trust him on this sort of thing but, as I pointed out before, he only hid the EA for a few weeks and came clean the week it became a PA. And, even then, my gut told me something was going on (even though I thought he was visiting a male high school friend and didn't know OW was in the country).
Plus, he will be gone for months in Aug. or Sept. (in circumstances where it would be very easy to cheat but he never did), so if we do stay together, I have to trust him or it will eat me alive. He knows my rules and that I only forgive once. Next time, I am gone and he will never be able to contact me again. He says he can't imagine a life without me in it, so I hope that my line in the sand is enough to make him think twice.
That being said, I also know that, come Sept., I could be packing up and leaving because he has chosen the OW over me, and there is nothing I can do if he chooses here.
I'm sorry that I put you on the defensive like that. I think I understand better why you said this. It makes sense that you'd feel more comfortable about conversations that you witness, than ones that he is hiding.
I thought your comment could have miscontrued by your husband, so I felt talking about it to better understand it would help.
TomJ
Current Topic - I think the not pushing is working
