W has a meeting today at 3 and the OP will be present. The meeting is schedule for an hour. I woke up at 4am this morning, my head filled with bad thoughts and this does not help. It really feels like life is playing a cruel joke on me and constantly saying “let’s see how much more he can take”
Yes it does feel like life is saying that. But what ever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger and better. You can do this Hart.
The vissions are hard to handle. At times I found I needed to see them. They helped me fight the tendency to deny the truth. Even though they depressed me, in the end they were key to my accepting what my husband had done.
At other times I would decide that right now was not a good or appropiate time to go there. I reasoned that I gave these vissions there due often enough, and there were going to be times when I needed to put up a block. In the beginning I was not very good at stopping the vissions. But with practice and from letting them play at other times, I began to gain control.
I know this all just sucks, but you can make it. I know you can. Look back to how you were in the beginning or just a month ago. You are better, maybe not as much as you would like, but you have made some progress. And this is a very slow process.
Ami, thank you for your reply and for having faith in me.
Osfan, I am ok, thank you for your concern. Yesterday was hard, but so is everyday when I know there was contact. Every second of the time that the meeting was taking place felt like an hour, but I survived and I am here today. The silver lining is that he went on vacation today for 2 weeks. Sometimes it’s hard to realize the good things in the mitts of all the pain but I am thankful for these 2 weeks. I know its temporary but I got to realize when I am catching a break and this is one. I think it comes at a good time too because I feel physically and mentally exhausted. How are you holding up?
I am glad you are getting a break, got to take them when we can get them right? Im just so down and discouraged. The reality has finally set in. The biggest problem Im having right now is that I cant get beyond it because he keeps lying. He lies about stupid stuff that doesnt even matter, but when I find out about it, it really shakes me up. Things like the week before the OC was born he called OW several times, I know they had to talk because of the adoption and all so it doesnt really matter but he told me that she called him, the cell records show he called her. Not really important but why lie? This has happened several times over the past 2 mo. Nothing major but very unsettling. I dont even bother to confront him about it because each one seems so trivial but driving me nuts.
So sorry to hear that, I don’t mean to add fuel to the fire at all but to me that’s not good. My W realizes that complete honesty and openness is essential for the new relationship but especially now during this healing time where my trust is obviously at an all time low. My trust is so shattered right now that if she lied about anything no matter how trivial my first reaction would be, “well, what else is she lying about” and that I think would drive me over the edge. Not wanting to hurt us is not an excuse because we are already at rock bottom. That is why she tells me details when I asked her question about the A or tells me about interactions at work even though she knows it kills me. I hope your husband comes around and that you get better.
Hart - I'm sorry the journey continues to be difficult. I completely understand; my H and I have been peeling back a lot of personal layers lately and its hard to have the emotinal strength to make it from one day to the next. And this is with spouses that are remorseful!
Osfan - You sounded so sad and just plain done the other day. Have you and your fiance set a date yet? Are you in the middle of wedding plans? What about wedding/marriage counseling? I know he had really started to look at his Dad's behaviors. Is he still working towards understanding what happened?
BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
To clarify, he is my fiance, and we have been living together for 3 yrs. We were supposed to get married this Sept. but when this happened I gave the ring back and put everything on hold. He still insists we will be getting married in Sept. but I wont take the ring, I dont know what Im going to do but right now Im drifting farther away from that.
BlueIris,
Im concerned because his father is also a liar. I really didn't think he was but it seems like he has been lying about a lot since last summer and maybe I just have never really paid attention until now. Im not sure. We own a struggling business together and the financial pressures for the past 2 yrs have been unbearable. I think maybe the OW and OC and finances have really pushed him over the edge. Although he is better since the OC was born and adoption is done , Im still finding out little things. Like the calls I mentioned above but that was over a month ago (before OC)because I just got the bill. So I guess he could be getting himself together and Im still finding old stuff. I just dont know. Anyway, I wont talk wedding plans or even look at that ring. He is planning for us to "surprise" everyone at his family reunion with a little ceremony at the end of the day. He says I dont have to do anything but show up and bring a dress. He will take care of the rest. Im getting spooked.
I too have struggled with my H's historical dependence on lying. I never really thought he was capable of lying - that he was too innocent, too noble, would not stoop to that level. I was so wrong - he was just really, really good at it.
Early in IC, my counselor suggested that H's lying was behavior learned early in life, either through modelling parental behavior or as a means of coping in a difficult home environment. Facing the truth and its consequences were just too dificult. Initially, I thought this was ridiculous - everyone knows that lying is bad, I thought. I was wrong, IC was right.
He has lied all his life and there were clues way before we got married. Changing such long term
behavior is very, very hard and H is still challenged.....tends to want to escape controversy and questions by lying. But he is facing his behavior and changing, slowly but surely.
I understand how difficult it is to accept that the person you love is a liar as that suggests such a villainous character. It helped me to think of it as an addicition, like alcohol, food, drugs, gambling, all of which are ways that people can escape pain, problems and find temporary comfort.
It is really, really hard to beat your addictions but it is possible and my H is proving that to me
every day. Some days I want to throw his deceit in his face and scream at him -"you sick liar" - but as he changes, I become more compassionate. There is hope.
Yes!! That is exactly it!! Before he even realizes it the lie has already rolled out and he doesnt gain anything by it. There is no thought or planning its stuff that is trivial. I have brought it to his attention and he does realize it and I have noticed it more when he is under alot of stress from all different sides. Its like a coping mechanism. My problem is I have to decide if he is worth the work after all I have already been through and do I want to dedicate years of work and patience to intense behavior modification. Does that sound bad? Im just at a fork in the road.
