Today is a very blue day. I am just not seeing H trying as hard as I am and I find that confusing. He is the one that had the A that almost ruined our marriage but I am the one trying to keep everything from falling apart. The thing that hurts the most is that he has asked me what he can do to help me (when I am acting depressed) and I tell him and he does none of them. Then he gets angry and defensive when I tell him how I feel and starts saying things like, that nothing he does is ever enough and that sort of stuff. Last night our oldest son was showing him a shirt that he made in vacation bible school and my H tuned him out to watch a comercial about cell phones. after the kids were in bed I pointed out what he did had upset our son and he got pissy. I don't know how to respond to him when he acts like that. I have explained that he needs to listen to us when we talk to him and he just doesn't seem to care. It is 7 months since D day1 and only 4 months since NC shouldn't he be putting an effort into our relationship by now? He does put some effort into it in his way but not as much as I need him to. Do I just keep patiently waiting????

Hello Kelly,

I am sorry that you are bummed out and hurting today. All I can tell you is yes, your H should be listening to your needs and doing his best to meet them. And it sounds like he is being selfish still by not doing as you have asked and by ignoring the children. But I think you are doing the right thing by calling him on his behavior. Even if he gets pissy about it you still need to let him know how you feel. What he does with that information is up to him. And Im sorry he isnt doing much. ((((hugs))))

Edited to add: You asked if you should be patient. If he is trying I feel being patient is a good idea. It takes time to change. But if he is doing little or nothng hen you have to decide how long you can put up with it. Everyone is different. I dont recall if the two of you are are in an kind of counselling, if not, counselling could help you both there express yourselves to each other better and perhaps be a catalyst to a change in behavior and get thigs rolling more towards healing the marriage.

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Thank you for your sympathy. Its funny how I rely on strangers for sympathy and not my H. Well no we are currently not in any kind of counseling I am not working and we can't afford counseling but hopefully I will find a job soon and we can get to counseling. Hopefully before it is too late. I think my H is trying to still let go of the feelings for the OW and that is what is standing in the way of him being able to give me what I need. But I can't stand sitting next to him and wondering if he is currently thinking about her, every time he acts funny or does anything out of his norm I start to panic and it is really pushing me to the edge. I feel like if one more bad thing happens that I am going to have an emotional breakdown and that is a scary thought. I have 3 kids, 2 dogs and a houseful of chores that I am solely responsible for. I feel like the only thing he does is provide the money to pay the bills. I have begged him to help me with the kids and the chores around the house but if he does help it is a one time thing because I asked. He recently told me that he is resentful because I have spent so much time in our marriage not working but most of the time it was because I was staying home with the babies. We don't feel like children under 1 year of age get the attention that they need in day care so "we" decided not to put them into daycare until they were older . So how can he now be mad at me for not working???????

Sorry for bouncing all over the place but it feels so good to vent. I am currently trying to get a job working opposite of H so that we don't have to spend my entire paycheck on daycare and the baby is only 6 months. I am desperate to get a job because I am hoping that that will be the key to making him act like he loves me again. I know that is stupid and I am probably setting myself up for disappointment but at the moment that is the 1 hope I can cling to.

You are probably right, he may still be in the fog about OW. And I think your statement about him being mad at you about staying home with the babies proves that. Even though the 2 of you decided this as a couple, he has to find something to be mad at you about to justify his feelings and behavior. That is definately WS fog-like behavior. And even when you do find a job he will find something else to be angry about. That is one reason why all of us tell you to take care of yourself. Focus on YOU

(((hugs)))

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

kelly.

I"M so sorry for your pain.. BUT i understand I have been there before and still dealing with stuff about me staying home and all of that.. I have a job I may not pay the bills but my work is still harder . BUT when spouses are in the FOG they dont see things they way they should...

Seem i ask myself everyday . why I"M i the one trying to rebuild something i didn't break.. good luck to you and stay true to yourself..

hugs
april