All I can tell you is what I would do. I would say that I need to take some time to really think and evaluate this situation and after I take some time to think about it I would get back to her. Then I would do just that, and wait and let her squirm. This is a golden opportunity for you. Take FULL advantage of it. Crawl under a rock and stay there until she comes back begging and crying. SHE WILL...be patient. During this time under your rock, make a list of demands. NO Contact with OP, and clear boundaries, behavior changes, MC etc.
When she comes back begging give her the list, tell her take it or leave it and again be quiet until she responds. DO NOT WAIVER. Be strong this is the best and probably only chance you may get, take full advantage. BE STRONG. If she doesnt go for it, you probably don't have a chance anyway.
Probably not what you wanted to hear, but that is what I would do. You have to do whats best for you. If you totally disagree with me I completely understand.
Best of luck to you through this tough time. Whatever you choose to do (even if it is completely opposite of my suggestion) I support you and wish you the best.
Thanks for the advice, I'll bear it in mind, although I can't totally hide from her, I can certainly pull back from her, although that has happened anyway as I try to think of how to deal with stuff (and what I can cope with)
Total NC is pretty much out of the question, but I "probably" don't NEED total NC, it would be nice if I could get it and I'm sure it would help greatly. The problem with total NC is it cuts her off from her other friends and means she has to go out and find a completely fresh set of friends. However, you can be in a group of friends and still maintain some level of NC.
Anyway she send another after my text (above) saying "I'm so sorry. Can we try build something better though"
So i replied "We can try. But you can't imagine how hard this is for me. You would find it hard enough if I was friends with my ex. Well triple that and u are close"
(I have NC with my ex girlfriend)
She replied "I know and I'm so sorry. I am finding it hard too. It really wasn't me and I'm dealing with the fallout too. With the extra bit that you keep punishing me"
Not really sure what to say to that. For reference, my punishing her is saying things like "I have to think about what I want and if I want to stay together" and mentioning the A. What does she expect me to do?
That punishing her line is an attempt to manipulate you and get you to waiver. DONT FALL FOR IT. Ive fallen for it so many times and it always turns out the same. They go back to their old behaviors.
No matter how you do it, the only way this will work is if she TRUELY changes her behavior and that is what you have to see and KNOW for a fact it is happening.
You cant believe a thing she tells you right now so even though you want to work things out you have to protect yourself.
No one has ever been wrong by taking time to think things out. And EVERYONE has the right to do just that. BE CAREFUL.
If you dont be absolutely sure of her intentions and commitment to do WHATEVER it takes you are going to set yourself up to be hurt again.
You dont deserve to go through this again. So do whatever it takes and go as slow as it takes to be sure she has changed, learned her lesson and it wont happen again.
If she has truely changed, her behaviors in all areas will show that, not just her words. Take the time to look hard at every move she makes and say as little as possible to allow her to show herself. Again just my opinion. Good Luck
Your W is what we call a fense sitter. She is in a confused state not wanting to give up you or her OM. It is my opinion that a WS in this state is incapable of honesty. They distort the truth they do tell, so you can never be sure. She probably does really want to sort this out, but as long as she can get away with remaining on the fense, she will most likely do so.
Often the best way to deal with a Fense sitter is Plan A which should be followed by plan B in a timely manner.
Plan A is being the best person you can be to the WS. This does not mean agreeing to contact, but it does mean attending to all the needs you can think the WS wants. You know her best. It is very important to be nice, but not allow abusive behavior or to have your boundaries trampled on.
Plan A is a very painful place to be. Most often it mean meeting the needs of the WS without getting any of your needs met. For this reason it should not go on too long.
Plan B is doing a turn around from Plan A and focusing on your own needs. This is a pulling away from the WS and their toxicity.
The idea is that Plan A awakens the WS to the good points of staying with the BS. At times Plan A is enough to bring the WS back to the marriage, unfortunately this does not happen quickly, and often much damage is done to the BS b4 it does. That is why Plan A should not go on too long. Anyway, When Plan B is put into effect, the hope is that the WS gets a 2x4 moment with the loss of Plan A and the BS, they then realize what they are loosing and scramble to get it back. A danger here is for the BS to allow the WS back too quickly. When this happens the WS again often brings the OP back into the picture to be a fense sitter once more. If Plan A to B is to be effective the WS should earn their way back into the BS's life over a signifigant amount of time.
Hmm. Interesting that her focus--and yours to a lesser degree--seems to be on what SHE wants. What about what ADAM wants?
I took great exception to her statement "She replied 'It really wasn't me and I'm dealing with the fallout too. With the extra bit that you keep punishing me.'" I disagree. It really WAS her, maybe her in a bad place, but her nonetheless. You are NOT punishing her. She crossed the boundaries from acceptable to unacceptable behaviors. SHE choose to have an A. Now she needs to choose if she wants a marriage with you or not. If she does, then she will have to accept that her poor choices may mean she may have to find new friends.
Do her friends know about the A? If they do and they either turned a blind eye or encouraged even by accepting the A, then they are neither your friends nor friends of your marriage. That kind of friend has NO place in your life. If they didn't know and were to find out, how do you think they would react?
And another thing--on this topic of friends. Are they some big group of lemmings or multiple musketeers that they have to meet up in one unit? Don't factions of the group ever meet one on one (besides your W and OM obviously)? And you know, obviously your W and OM met away from the group while they conducted their A, so it's just BULL that if you ask her to have NC that your request means she must abandon ALL of her friends. Furthermore, honestly, how good of friends are they if they just meet in a group? How large is this group? Don't your closest friendships involve spending time one-on-one at least some of the time?
You wrote to Ka that you spent a day by yourself enjoying activities around London. I am so glad you did so because you spent time NOT focusing on the A, enjoying the day, centering yourself, being out of a distraught atmosphere, and, oh yeah, letting your wife see what life without you in it would be like. You weren't mean or rude, just removing yourself from a sad situation.
Ami wrote of her two plans. I gave you the 180 rules. But ultimately, it is up to you to decide what you need to do to maintain your sanity. Your WS is very much fence sitting. You are fighting for your health and your marriage. Her sitting on that cakeeater's fence will NEVER help your marriage.
The WS can take a long time to realize just how much their horrible behaviors hurt the BS and jeopardized the marriage. Today my H tells me that he never realized how much I truly love him that I would go through the pain of betrayal and choose to stay with him. And he also says, and I agree, that his making the tremendous effort to heal, help me, our marriage and our family heal is testament to how much he loves us and wants us to be a couple and a family.
Time, my friend, time.
And a good cup of cappucino on a daily or semi-daily basis.
Encouraging fairy hugs,
fairyfriend
Edited to add: and just exactly what fallout is your wife talking about? The fact that she got caught and you expected her not only to end the affair, but to also work on herself, your marriage, and cut off all contact with OM? Behaviors have consequences, some good, some bad. It's no good saying that if she didn't want to deal with the possible loss of her husband and marriage, she should have THOUGHT about her actions BEFORE doing them because WS either don't think logically, or they don't think at all. They just follow their emotions which gets them in more trouble than they could ever imagine. Sigh.
This message has been edited by fairyfriend on Jun 27, 2007 9:28 AM
I loved the rant, hit so many things bang on. However doesn't mean its a simple thing to solve.
A couple of question answers first though. Her friends don't know about it, although she has now confided in a (married) female friend of hers. The group of friends doesn't always meet as the same group and it is reasonably large and amorphous, however the OM is not on the fringe. The problem would be that no-one really knows who is going to turn up on any given night - you get the idea a group of people at the pub or similar, so she could be there and the OM not, and then he might just turn up half way through.
The only way to be CERTAIN she wouldn't run into him would be to drop all the friends.
Now I think I'm pretty strong and so I think I could actually deal with her staying in contact with the group. What I can't deal with is that she wants to be friends with him.
If she had said to me that she desperately didn't want to lose all her friends and she can't see how she could guarentee that she wouldn't see OM many otherwise, but she will keep well away from him, and not arrange specifically to see him, and only in a group, and I can come along a few times to check, and there will be no contact other than in those settings. Absolute minimal conversing just to not create a scene. etc. etc. Then I think we could have something to work on.
But thats not what she did. She wants to be friends with him as though nothing happened.
My problem, of course, is that I don't think forcing the above scenario will work. There is too much uncertainty for me in it. You see if she had TOLD me that was what she was going to do, it was her offer not my ask, then I would probably have believed her - she would have been making an effort and her request to see her friends would be granted because I love her. But if I forced her to agree to it, I'd never really believe she was sticking to it, since there would be nothing to make her - it wasn't her idea. Make sense?
Which leaves me in a sticky situation.
She talks about it being different in her mind so she "knows" that nothing like that would ever happen again, but that I can't see that partition in her mind, and if I could I'd be ok. Doesn't do me any good does it!
Anyway, as I hinted elsewhere we may be getting a glimmer of something appearing now, I think she may just be realising that I might leave her. The hint was probably telling her I think it isn't going to work and we should call it a day on 4 occaisions now, and then telling her that I can't fix this, she needs to do the fixing and that given our problems I think I'm more likely to leave than stay. All of which is true and wasn't designed to hurt her, but she might be waking up now.
I also told her she uses guilt to manipulate me. Her response: "Thats a horrible thing to say". I rest my case m'lord.
You are so correct in writing that this situation is NOT a simple one, nor will it be solved quickly. Ugh. I know from experience just how freakin' long WS can take to come out of the fog, and mine had a good London fog to come out of even though he had been out of the A for 1 1/2 years when Dday #2 occurred. Ack!
What you wrote about her wanting to be friends with OM is classic WS garbage. They want their cake. Well, guess what? They can have their cake or they can have their marriage, but they can't have both. Period. I would caution you against making any kinds of idle threats about leaving. If you told her that you weren't sure you could stay in the marriage while you were in the middle of a heated discussion (we like to call them discussions rather than arguments in our house LOL), then I can understand how those words came tumbling, almost of their own volition, out of your mouth. However, if we draw a line in the sand instead of painting one on the cement, WS pretty quickly figure out that they can manuver such that we redraw that line in the sand every time we get pushed. So what happens is that we get pushed around until whatever little self-esteem and hope we once held onto is gone. WS need to see that while we can not set boundaries for them, we CAN set boundaries on what we will accept from them. If they cross our boundaries, we must show them we mean what we say. Is it easy to do so? No, but it is of the utmost importance that we keep our boundaries in place.
As desperate to save your marriage as you may feel, don't let her know that you are desperate because then she may feel she can do what she wants, say what she wants, and think what she wants with impunity and you will tolerate her behavior. WRONG! It is not a question of pride; rather, it is that you love your wife and want to stay married to her, but if you and your wife don't have a clear understanding of firm boundaries, then you will never feel safe. The bottom line is if she really loves you and wants to be with YOU, then she needs to give up contact with OM. PERIOD. Folks here will tell you over and over again from their personal experience that trying to keep a friendship with OP NEVER works. And, in fact, once a WS is truly 100% out of the fog and committed to saving the marriage, they often want NOTHING to do with the OP.
Your wife just doesn't get it yet that her being friends with OM will NOT work for a whole lot of reasons. She needs to ask herself: Do I want to be with Adam or with OM? If she truly wants to be with OM, then she needs to get out of her marriage and let you get on with your life. Do I believe that is what is going on? A resounding NOPE! I think she still has her head wedged and doesn't see what the rest of us can so clearly see. That is why we say time and patience become our steady bedfellows.
Sorry you are hurting and your wife is fencesitting,
fairyfriend
Edited to add: She can object all she wants when you tell her she is using guilt to manipulate her, but hey, if the truth hurts her, that is HER problem. Just continue to refuse to permit her to manipulate you. People treat us how we teach them to treat us. Teach her that you will NOT be manipulated. Be strong!
This message has been edited by fairyfriend on Jun 27, 2007 10:46 AM
What if I'm not actually that desperate to save the marriage anymore? For the first couple of weeks I was, but now I'm not so sure. I certainly realise that there is no point saving it for its own sake (no kid, no property).
I only want to save the marriage if that means a happy life for me.
This might sound calous, selfish or cruel and highly unromantic, but I'm only 24 - if this marriage isn't going to work then I'd be better getting out and making a new life... you only live once.
I'm clinging on to all the wonderful memories from before marriage and the start of our marriage. I'm also clinging to the fact that she is exactly my type, so if I left I'd want a girl just like her (only with boundaries!). So obviously if this can work then thats great, but I'm not desperate any more, and I think thats what she's picking up on - not just a line in the sand.
I do NOT believe you are callous. Rather, I would say that this crisis has forced you to do a great deal of thinking about what it is you want from your life and your marriage. It is not unreasonable to want a spouse who is faithful.
I will tell you that regardless of whether we BS stay in the marriage or leave it (or get left), we must still deal with the fallout of an A. We develop HUGE trust issues because of the betrayal. We must learn to believe in ourselves once more, see what faults we have, take responsibility for those (and ONLY those faults), and accept that our spouse cheated. This is a HUGE undertaking. Few people marry with the thought that their spouse can not be trusted. Most of us bend over backwards giving blind trust to our spouse. Blind trust is BAD, BAD, BAD. Earned trust, but not blindly so, is good.
Your wife has a golden chance now to earn your trust back, but it is up to her to decide if she wants to do the hard work ahead.
Sometimes no matter what a FWS does, the BS decides the betrayal is too much and leaves the marriage. If that is what you decide, then that is fine. No one here will judge you for leaving your marriage. No one here will judge you for staying in the marriage. Just know that you regardless you need to heal.
Take care of yourself. And know too, that your current feelings of apathy towards your marriage and your wife are VERY normal. Remember that you can decide NOT to decide anything right now. Whether you believe it or not, you have the ball in your court. Take all the time you need to decide what you believe is best for you.
Have been following this posting and your pain, Adam...
June 27 2007, 11:16 AM
Fairyfriend, sometimes I think you are absolutely brilliant. I know it comes to you from experience and a lot of introspective thinking.
From my experiences, I LOVED and AGREED when you say:
WS need to see that while we can not set boundaries for them, we CAN set boundaries on what we will accept from them. If they cross our boundaries, we must show them we mean what we say. ---
The bottom line is if she really loves you and wants to be with YOU, then she needs to give up contact with OM. PERIOD. Folks here will tell you over and over again from their personal experience that trying to keep a friendship with OP NEVER works. And, in fact, once a WS is truly 100% out of the fog and committed to saving the marriage, they often want NOTHING to do with the OP.
And you are SO RIGHT! My H manipulated all the situations, actions, and words to me so he could maintain OW AND me...
Since NC, life has changed. The further we move away from our FDD (Final D-Day), the more he wants NOTHING to do with HER.
I know Adam you have been resistant about NC, maybe even down right stiff-armed. The confusing part to me is that while you won't INSIST on NC to SAVE YOUR M, you're willing to LEAVE your M. Or at least threaten that. All situations are complicated; but there are often some simple policies that - when followed - can help create less chaos.
I learned the hard way. By my NOT insisting on NC the FIRST time, I enabled a second and third d-day. I believed my H when he said that nothing was happening. That he was in control. That he didn't want her anymore. That they were just friends. That they could work together and keep it strictly professional. These words then came from a man who had learned to lie and get away with lying very well. I didn't follow my instincts not to believe him. I wanted to so badly. I was mistaken.
My participation - and even mission - on HH is to help others learn from our mistakes.
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
I truly admire your devotion to your wife and her problems.
I see that she is manipulating you...she wants her life back as it was with the OM as her friend...seeing her friend on her terms.. Adam the A happened the A changes everything... seeing the OM for you has to hurt you, sorry I wouldn't be able to walk into a room where the OW was and keep my tongue in check ...no way no how and pretend nothing happened and have a beer with her because my H wanted her to be his friend...as your wife if you had a fling with the most attractive single lady in the group would she want to participate in the meeting? turn the table to her and do the what if ...or I had... and see what happens ...tell her you are attracted to X lady..
I stand with Ami, FF and the others... Adam, when you set the boundaries that you need for yourself please consider your ultimate desire..
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
I still believe in the uniqueness of every situation, and while I will push for NC or at least something I feel I can live with, which could be different for different people. Some people survive contact in work surroundings etc.
The reason I would leave M but not force NC to save it is because I don't think forcing anything would save any marriage. If she wants him so much that I have to FORCE her to not see him, I'd rather leave her. I don't want to be with someone who needs to be forced to choose me. If I left her, and she then had an epiphany, then of course I would always be open to taken her back.
I understand what you mean. I really do. I figured that I shouldn't have to fight for my H. Nobody held a gun to his head and made him marry me. He CHOOSE to marry me, just as he choose to have an A. I understand your thinking that if you force your WS to have NC, she will resent you and be angry with you. That is why I said you can put boundaries in place, however. You can tell her calmly and in control that you will NOT accept being second fiddle to OM. She MUST get off that damn fence and choose--him or you. Having both is crossing your personal boundary and unacceptable for your marriage.
That is why sometimes some BS choose to pack up the WS belongings, drop them off at their workplaces, and change the locks on the house. If the WS wants to be with the OP, so be it. Go be with them. Sadly sometimes the WS stays in the fog, but statistics are very much on the side of the BS. When reality intrudes on the fantasy, the HUGE majority of the time, reality beats fantasy, and the WS comes scurrying back to the BS, with tail tucked under.
Absolutely OM should feel uncomfortable. You shouldn't, as you did nothing wrong.
I'm sorry that at the tender age of 24 you have to deal with such a life-shattering situation. This should be a time of joy, delight and carefree fun with your wife, but her choice has changed your lives forever.
My son is 24...his long term ( 6 1/2 YR ) GF broke up with him last fall they planned marriage ...she had an A (EA) with one of his friends..still is in the relationship with OM...promised my son that she wouldn't see OM...long story short she couldn't resist the temptation of the OM...my son struggled with all of this for 6 months before he finally got back on track...the actions were not there for him....just empty words
Adam what do you want??? you are 24...you are in no rush ...see what happens with your wife and her actions...
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
Adam, you say "I don't think forcing anything would save any marriage."
And you are right. You cannot control her actions, no matter what you ask of her. I would hope, however, that you look at NC as NOT forcing her to do anything. THEY ARE YOUR BOUNDARIES. She still has choices.
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
This message has been edited by fivefoottwo on Jun 27, 2007 12:04 PM
Adam - You are so right. It holds no value to force someone to do something. They'll either comply just on the surface and hide what they really want to do, or be resentful and punish you with guilt and other manipulation tactics.
However, if I had received this text from my spouse, my course of action or reply would follow the lines of:
"I want to sort this, too.
Its nice finding this place of agreement to start from.
We need to have some other agreements in place to begin rebuilding our foundation.
Can we make time to sit and talk about what that rebuilding looks like?
There are important elements to me (Adam) that need to be addressed for my sense of well-being, self-worth, and recognition of the trauma this has caused. Its caused you trauma too.
In the same way, we have found agreement in wanting to sort this, we need to respect each other through what is going to be a long, difficult process in healing.
I'm willing to do that. Are you?"
From there, I'd talk through with her what you want and need from her, with a clear understanding that, if she is unable to find agreement with you on those items, you need to agree then that there is a problem with the very basis for rebuilding your foundation. (And I'd have this more in-depth talk after sitting with myself and really, deeply examing what it is you need and want from her.)
Don't know if that helps or if its too simplistic, but it walks hand in hand with the notion of her needing to see this isn't about following Adam's "demands". It requires her to cut to the core of what she really wants, and what she is happily willing to offer as her part in participating in reconciliation.
Its that "happily" part that's tricky. But if she's truly, honestly serious about sorting things out, there shouldn't be undercurrents or outright resentment for the changes that need to happen. Hoping there's sense in these thoughts. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
If you only knew what I went through you would see in a heartbeat that there is no way they can remain friends. I wish there was someway to really have you see this but I think it has to be done the way you want or it won't work.
I heard it all right from the first phone call. They were just friends. 3 days later my h told me he had been sleeping with her for 2 years! I tried to let them be friends. He said he wanted to remain friends that nothing would happen. Well, it did in the first place so what changes that now. I felt this huge guilt for asking them to stop seeing each other. I also felt like I shouldn't have to ask that question. They both had hurt me so why would they want to continue something that caused so much pain. It is because they were still caught up in it all. Now my H doesn't want anything to do with her. He can't think of her now without feeling like he has hurt me to the core and it is something that he chooses not to do again. He doesn't have to see her anymore which helps. He admitted just the other day that it would have been harder if he had to still work with her. I am sure of it.
I just want you to know that I have heard it all and know where you are in this one. It is hard to say stop and you may think that you can handle it, but ask yourself how you feel when they might be together-does it make you feel this huge knot in your stomach and can you say that it doesn't bother you to think they might sit next to each other. If you can say,being totally honest with yourself, that you wouldn't worry or have any emotion about it then it would be fine, but I bet that you would have some kind of "wondering" and if that is the case, it isn't worth them being friends.
I hope things work out.
Laura
OK, I guess the bottom line is she can choose to keep contact with OM and leave the marriage, or she can choose NC and keep her marriage, but she can not have both. She needs to decide.
We BS hope that our FW understand that maintaining contact makes us feel totally devalued and worthless to our FW. Is that what FW really wants to do--make us feel like yesterday's leftovers or something you wipe off the bottom of a shoe? Well, when they refuse to institute NC, their actions tell us that we are not worth making the effort to show us they want the marriage.
And if they don't really want the marriage, then just tell us, so we can have our lives back.
Now, I didn't have to deal with the problem of instituting NC, but I did deal with the lies and delusions associated with the A and the AP.
Ugh and double ugh.
Sorry any of us have had to deal with this evil blackness,
Well the talk on the street
Says you might go solo
A good friend of mine saw you leavin' by the back door
I need to know(I need to know)
I need to know(I need to know)
If you think you're gonna leave
Then you better say so
I need to know(I need to know)
I need to know(I need to know)
Because I don't know how long
I can hold on
And if you're makin' me wait
If you're leadin' me on
I need to know(I need to know)
I need to know(I need to know)
Who would'a thought
That you'd fall for his line
All of a sudden its
Me on the outside
I need to know(I need to know)
I need to know(I need to know)
If you think you're gonna leave
Then you better say so
I need to know(I need to know)
I need to know(I need to know)
Because I don't know how long
I can hold on
And if you're makin' me wait
If you're leadin' me on
I need to know(I need to know)
I need to know(I need to know)
I need to know(I need to know)
I need to know(I need to know)
If you think you're gonna leave
Then you better say so
I need to know(I need to know)
I need to know( I need to know)
Because I dont know how long
I can hold on
And if you're makin' me wait
If you're leadin' me on
I need to know(I need to know)
I need to know(I need to know)
This message has been edited by BayouBlues on Jun 27, 2007 3:44 PM
It has been 7 months since D-Day 1 and my H has said that he was working on fixing the problems in our marriage the whole time. I have found out (from the OW first) that he has been to her house a few times and has called her many times at least 2 times a week since I found out. He has lied to me when I asked him if there was contact. He still says that he was trying to work on our marriage even while telling her that he loved her last month.
So my suggestion is to tell your W that you have been working on the marriage and that she needs to start. Looking back I realize that every time I got depressed and started to pull away he would put a little effort into our M and that would pick me up until he started to withdraw again. So pay attention to her and if she gets close and then pulls away or starts to shut you out again then be on the alert for contact.
I wish you luck and hope that she is really sincere about saving your marriage.
I am sorry Adam, but I am with the majority here. NC is a must if the marriage is to survive. A work place situation is far different from a social and drinking atmosphere. HUGE DIFFERENCE! Sometimes a BS will have to allow limited contact due to their job because we all have to make a living. But we all dont have to go to the pub and hangout with the OM. That is playing with fire! I know you dont like to hear that but unfortunately the WS and OP cannot hangout, drink, and just be friends.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
My W and I went to see Smokey Robinson last night (I'd arranged it a while back) so we didn't get to talk much about anything, but she was more affectionate that she has been in a long time. I enjoyed that attention (second first kiss!!) but I'm now waiting for her to think that that "changes" things or have "solved" something, in which case she will be very much mistaken.
Anyway I found the following lyrics, that I'm sure you all know, particularly ironic,
I don't like you
But I love you
See that I'm always
thinking of you
Oh, oh, oh,
you treat me badly
I love you madly
You've really got a hold on me
You've really got a hold on me, baby
Followed by
People say I'm the life of the party
'Cause I tell a joke or two
Although I might be laughing loud and hearty
Deep inside I'm blue
So take a good look at my face
You know my smile looks out of place
If you look closer it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears
Adam, implict in her wanting things to be "sorted..." is the adjunct "...now, so it all just goes away".
Perhaps something to talk about at MC, is the fact that FOR it to be sorted, the damage she has done to you, and the marriage and herself, needs to be explored, acknowledged and addressed. If one is badly injured in a car accident, it can take months of recuperation and physiotherapy to recover. What she has done, is drive her marriage off her side of the road and under an oncoming truck, with you in the passenger seat! She has to realise eventually that it will take a long time to heal this, and there are no short cuts.
If she is feeling punished, it's her own doing. You cannot pretend that you have not been hurt to the core. You cannot pretend that everything is as it was before. If she is serious about making her marriage work, then she is going to have to dig deep, and face the reality and consequences of her own actions, whatever their motivation. No one can know how long this realisation will take, but it is an essential part of dispelling the fog.
I would suggest that talking about it is good. Our MC suggested that if things were too raw, then we perhaps limit our exchanges regarding the A to an agreed upon hour, perhaps once a week, or more often if we were comfortable with it. Apart from that, we air our issues during MC. She suggested this because we were tearing each other apart (of course, it didn't help that my W was still unrepentantly HAVING an A). What I am getting at here, is that perhaps you can agree to structure your exchanges about the A, so that you are both ready for them, and in the right frame of mind, and centre them around your MC sessions? Just a suggestion, really, I know it works differently for everyone.
Whatever you do, Adam, make your boundaries clear (to yourself as much as to your W), and stick to them, or you will make this harder for both of you. I HAD no boundaries, and I suffered until I rediscovered them.
