Only to be replaced by heart wrenching, painful, sickening (I feel physically sick) disappointment.
It is now 12:12am and she still isn't home. She told me that she was leaving at 11 at latest and it is at most a 30min journey.
I can hope she comes home soon still, but a large part of me knows it isn't happening. She has gone back to the OM. I just know it. I won't be seeing her tonight.
And in that case I won't be seeing my W ever again. From now on she will be my STBXW or WINO.
See here it ends.
RIP.
I think this is when I cry again. I'm going to be sick.
Ahh Crap man! I can just feel your pain and your heartache. It's exactly what I went through when I knew my W was with her OW. This is no good. If she wants to work things out, then she can't behave like this, it's abusive! You deserve better than this, and she needs to be told in clear terms that it's no good.
I understand the anger. I understand the sick, hollow feeling in the pit of your stomach. Why don't you go for a walk - even if it IS bloody late.
When she gets home (assuming she does) express your disappointment and pain, but try not to lose your temper. Other than the basics of how hurt and rejected and betrayed you feel, if you can, wait until you have both slept on it (I seldom managed this, so I know it's hard). If you do more than let her know you are hurting, it will degenerate into a late night screaming match. I had LOTS of these.
Frankly, she has her head up her arse at the moment. This is standard for many WS who haven't got it. This is a very difficult part of the process. She thinks she has a right to do what she likes - have her cake and eat it - and trample on you. You have reached the point of anger and of feeling physically sick and disgusted. You will probably cycle in and out of this. She is likely to be incredibly defensive, and indignant that you should tell HER what to do. You are likely to be outraged to the point of rashness.
All I can suggest is trying to keep a cool head. Don't do something you might regret. And try to discuss it reasonably with her tomorrow.
And decide if you want this to be the pattern of your marriage (I think you know the answer to that). You need some clear boundaries here, and she needs to know that.
There - a bit disjointed, and maybe not that helpful, but it is 1Am and I've been trying to write SQL queries. LOL
This is one reason why the NC rule is so necessary. The two of you need to do some boundary setting pronto. If your wife truly feels your pain at all she would understand that she needs to stay away from OM and she needs to be home when she says she is going to be. Im sorry you are hurting...
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I lost count of the number of times I went between anger and despair due to my XH and his friend (or soul mate as he liked to call her) flaunting their relationship in my face each day at work.
Oh, the number of times I would go from being distraught to angry whilst waiting for him to come home from seeing her - the typical rollercoaster stuff. Of course when he did get home it would inevitably end up with both of us losing our tempers and my frequently getting the reply from him that "she makes my depression better....unlike you do". With hindsight it never made things any better.
In the end, instead of jumping down his throat when he got back, I would ignore him (go to another room) or if I could bring myself to, I would say hello and chat about something other than our relationship. As often as I could I started to go out and do something (visit family/friends, go to the cinema, gym ) so that I wasn't around when he got home.
I'm not saying that doing the above is easy, but I'll tell you that he started to worry that I was moving on with my life without him. A long time later he admitted that he started to obsess about what I was up to and his conversations with his OW started to revolve around who I could be with and whether it was another man etc etc.
Now, I'm not advocating trying to make her feel anxious about whether you have found someone else. What I'm getting at here is that you need to start doing things for yourself, to perhaps do things that you may have wanted to do before but never got around to. I took up french classes and started to go to the gym (something I had given up years before because he was frightened that I would meet someone else and the anxiety made his depression worse!)
Your wife is being selfish here Adam and you are allowing her to have her cake and eat it. One thing I learned was that you cannot control what someone else does only what you do.
Anyway, just a few of my thoughts here. I wish you all the best and hope that you decide to take that time away you mentioned in a previous post.
Well she did come home, and quite upset when she did (which kind of knocked my indignation)
Apparently the female friend that she confided in (posts passim) was not such a good friend, and has now told everyone about the A.
Her group of friends are starting to crumble now, AND so it her marriage. In the heat of last night she said some potentially promising things, but whether they are for real or will have to wait.
Wait a good while actually. I'm going away today! She asked me not to get revenge while I'm away.
Thanks for all your support people. I'll be back monday, on Tuesday W is moving back to her parents for a week.
Adam, some space is potentially a good thing right now. It will give you some distance so that the A is not being rubbed in your face. Your W will be at her parents' place, and hopefully it will give her pause to think about what a mess she has created. It is telling that she asked you not to get revenge. What this says is that she is sensing that she will neither be able to have her cake OR eat it! Reality is impinging itself through her fog - as it so often does...
Most of all, you will not be constantly exposed to one another so that you will be needling each other.
Yes, it's remarkable how this sort of thing sorts out who your friends are. Her REAL friends will possibly be horrified that she could cheat. They will re-evaluate their friendship with her, and the OM too.
Some of her circle will carry on blithely, but others will be incensed to a greater or lesser degree. Either way, it will rock the fabric of their group, and change it.
These are the consequences of HER actions.
Have a good break, mate. You need it.
This message has been edited by shoozul on Jun 29, 2007 5:16 AM
I agree with FF. These are the consequences of her actions. I also think it is good to have a bit of away time. It gives YOU time to think about setting boundaries and what it is you truly want and then you can tell your W what you need from her. And it gives your W some time to think about what she has done and perhaps reality will set in and help clear up some of the fog.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Current Topic - Ah so its anger that follows apathy
