Felt like this for a couple of days now. I seem to be in a stage where I am just very agitated. The littlest things will make me mad and irritable and it feels like I constantly have to bite my tong not to make snooty remarks about the A (which i know is not helpful for healing) and to avoid getting in arguments with my W. Is this normal? On top of that I have been struggling all day with bad thoughts that are just stuck in my head… Aaagh, the ripples continue

Its interesting you bring this up, Hart; something similar seems to be happening over here, too. For me, there are two parts. My H will say something that can be perfectly inocuous...or even sweet...but internally I'm finishing off his thought with a snotty little side remark. I don't verbalize it, because I see no value in communicating with him in a snotty fashion. Its not constructive and I don't want to pick a fight. But he's much more interested in looking forward and at now. When I'm in these moods, I'm much more focussed on what he did and how sad/mad I remain about them.

The other thing I'm feeling that seems related is emotionally being on a fast swinging pendulum, where I'm most of the time I'm in a really rational state. And, with very little provocation, can become really emotional. I actually feel kind of bad for my H with this. He's trying so hard and its got to feel so unnerving to see these swings in play (especially if they're aimed in his direction: lol!). I'm laughing a bit at this, but am also wondering how normal these swings are considering my Dad has borderline personality disorder. I don't remember being like this prior to DDay, so maybe I'm being overly sensitive?

Anyway, I'm guessing its very, very normal. We've been through so much, how could we not be irritable? We're still distrusting and suspicious because of how raw the pain is. For our spouses, the A's are over and they're relieved and rebuilding themselves.* For us BS folk, we're still processing. The inequity alone of that would make me irritable.

Any of that resonate with you? BlueIris

*sorry to minimize what FWS's go through. I know they're dealing with a lot of guilt, shame and esteem issues.

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

I totally relate to what both of you have written....the anger, the urge to hurt, the mood swings.

Early in R, we went through the hysterical bonding phase that some people here have talked about. But throughout, I would say "I love you," while to myself, I always added, "you bastard" or something even more colorful. I still do that sometimes.

And, I constantly have to fight the desire to punish him over and over. It infuriates me that I am tortured by images, recollections and realizations while he is peacefully reading. Why does he get to move on while I am stuck in this cesspool? And yes, I want to relate everything to his A's and rub it all in his face. Yet, I know it will be destructive and have to call up every ounce of self control to keep silent sometimes.

IC has helped me understand that I can't have it both ways. I can't punish him, torture him, abuse him and hope to have a good, mutually supportive marriage. My best friend, whose H had an A, told me that if I thought I had to punish him for the rest of our live, it would be better for both of us to end the M. I am haunted by that thought. So, there is that scarey word again - choice.

I constantly lament the world's unfairness. But there is nothing we can do about that except turn our lives into what we want them to be going forward.

And, Blue is right - my H has his own demons and guilt to deal with. And, I hope that the OW feels cheap and used. But, their pain is not what is going to make me happy. I have to find that for myself.

(I only half believe that - I do think that telling off the OW would help me but friends and IC have convinced me that would just show her how much she matters and, while most of my dignity has been shredded, I will not let her have the satisfaction of thinking I care.)

Don't know what to say about the mood swings. Just comes with the squalid territory, I guess. I can tell you both that it does get better and the horrors start to feel more remote. We are approaching two years past D Day and the brutality of the discovery is finally starting to feel like the past. Not quite the distant past but moving in that direction. I fear, however, that I will always be on guard and feeling like I am living on borrowed time - just waiting for it to happen again.

It is very hard to live in a present that is haunted by the past and fearful of the future. H is doing all he can to make me feel safe and loved. The rest is up to me.

Hey Hart,

I understand your irritability completely. When I swing in that direction, my mouth is uncontrollable. He will say something and I will finish that conversation with a brutal jab. When Im that way I have to have the last word and I almost feel like Im entitled to it and if its uncomfortable to him then he just has to deal with it.

Recently though, I have found that I am becoming more rational and more in control. Along with that as I become calmer I am also feeling better and the pain isnt ripping me apart anymore.

I actually feel like my brain is getting back in control and my emotions are not completely running my life.

The down side? Pain is also related to love. When we love someone this deeply and this happens we experience this excruciating pain. Im not sure how I feel any more. Now that the pain is not so bad, I'm not sure that my love for him will ever be as strong.

Do we ever really recover? If we get to a place where we accept it does that mean that the fire of love we had isnt as strong?

Thats what Im soul searching right now because if those love feelings we had never come back, then he really did destroy us and Im kidding myself and wasting my time. Sorry Hart, I know that didn't answer your question, but in my case the irritablility did subside some, but now I feel like I have exchanged that for the next phase that Im in now, and Im not sure its any better, just different.

Self, while I was reading your post there is one thing that jumped out at me which brings me to yet another thing that I struggle with. You said “I fear, however, that I will always be on guard and feeling like I am living on borrowed time - just waiting for it to happen again.” I know what you mean, its almost a fear that somewhere down the line, when everything is rebuild and you least expect it, it will happened again. I know my W promises that it will never happen again and so far through her actions has showed me that she has recommitted to our marriage but she also did something I truly believed that she was not capable of and that “capability” scares me. I guess that fear is natural (at least now) because if you were blind sided by the biggest blow to the head with a 2x4, you damn right I’m probably going to flinch at any sudden movement in the future. This to me kind of goes along with what Osfan said “Do we ever really recover?” “Is it ever really the same?” My W said to me that through hard work she will rebuild the trust, restore hope and earn back my respect but will it be the same trust and will I ever truly think of her the same as before? Maybe. There is a part of me that just thinks something got lost. It’s like someone knocked the completed puzzle of the table an you are picking up all the pieces and rebuilding but when it’s done you discover that there are 1 or 2 pieces missing and the puzzle just isn’t the same. Maybe it’s wrong for me to doom myself to the thought that it will never be the same at this time. But then again I had a post before regarding “will it ever be the same” and what I got from it was, that no, it won’t but it can be good again. I guess that brings us to the topic of “acceptance”. Accepting the “scar”, something I still have trouble with. Ai, I am going full circle here and sense that I have been rambling too much, sorry!!

Hart

With you, with you, Im running around in that same circle. Thats why some days im ok and some days I just spout gloom and doom.

Normally Im a very positive and optimistic person. I am also a realist. My biggest concern now is will it ever be the same, and if not will I be able to accept this relationship being flawed and less than perfect after having what I thought was the perfect one.

I really hate that thought and Im afraid

Hi, I also find myself doing this, almost continually some days. I never actually utter them, or there would be hell to pay! Funny how many BS's go through these universal thoughts & feelings. My mind also tends to relate many seemingly unrelated things to her cheating--a word, a phrase, number, picture--I can get rather creative. I can be a scrappy 'lil bastard, I guess, but I keep it all to myself, never say a bloody word....

I think what bothers me the most is how "shocked" she is when she hears gossip about someone in town cheating, or when it comes up on TV like Dr. Phil or in a movie. Who is this person I have been married to for nearly 31 years? She has completely exonerated herself for what she did, and probably figures I'm completely over it all by now. Yet, she brings up hurtful things I said 30 or more years ago & tells me they still have a powerful effect on her feelings towards me. Gotta love these BPD traits!

As far as the "life isn't fair" part, I have finally accepted this for the most part (my total loss housefire, 6 weeks after being canceled by the insurance company helped a lot w/acceptance) but there are still some days when I rail against it.
BB

Just a simple YES, I think we all feel this way...it is normal. And it comes and goes for me...the rollercoaster continues <sigh>

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

I think that all of our reactions are very normal - when the unthinkable happens, how is it possible to ever feel safe again.

Now, my H is being totally amazing and loving - patient, kind, responsible. It is "unthinkable" that he is lying today....but now that I know that "unthinkable" things happen, it is hard to relax.

As some of you know, my H is an alcoholic and bi-polar. Both of these issues contributed to his infidelities. He has been sober for two years,is on the right meds and is seeing a good IC. On the one hand, it helps that I can see these concrete changes. It makes it even more "unthinkable" that he will stray again. On the other hand, we all know about "unthinkable."

As Susan pointed out, we can never say never...the "unthinkable" does happen. I dont know if a BS can ever feel completely safe again, nor should they. But if the WS is doing everything they can and concrete changes have been made and are consistent, like Susan's H has, then it is possible that the chances of our WS (or FWS at that point) will not stray have greatly increased. Although we will always be aware of the possibility, it is somewhat of a relief from the hypervigilence we feel right after d-day and the healing years that follow.

Thanks Susan, for you words of hope....that people can and do change



~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha