He went out again lastnight. He wouldn't answer his cell phone when I called. I left him a message saying, I am doulbe locking the front door, you are not answering. We do this when we are goign to bed, when we are all home. You have to understand that if he really wanted to get in, he can go through the garage. He knows this to. Well, I decided to lock the door, when he didn't answer and I did not no for certain if he were comign home.
Well, this must have pissed him off royally. He played his message from wherever he was. Said he was playing poker, but who knows. He came home thru the garage, woke me up saing, "DON'T YOU EVER EVER DO THAT AGAIN." It is not as though he could not get in.
Well, this morning things went from bad to worse. Things got said, that were said before by me a hundred times. "You need to move out, it is not what I would want or wish for, certainly not for my children, but I can't live this way.".
I can't imagine how I will manage alone with my boys, but I have got to try. My heart is so busted up. I have been on a rollercoaster ride for three painful, sad, depressing, stressful, uncertain years. I have failed. My marriage has failed. I feel I have failed my kids. I am dying. Truly, I feel like I am dying. I am so sorry and please don't be angry if I sound sorry for myself. I feel so weak. I feel like I have no soul, no spirit. How can I grieve this marriage loss, have it be final when he won't leave. Actualy, he wants to leave, but leave part time. He thinks I am being difficult. He says things like, "look, I am giving the kids a home, but can't afford two places, so give me this (allow me to come stay there a couple days a week". He doesn't want to take the boys to his Moms/Sisters (even though they have room for them). Honestly I don't think they want them there anyhow. My special needs child stresses everyone out. Again, no fault of his own.
Can you please tell me how I can cope with this living arangement he is proposing? He is in TOTAL CONTROL. I have thought out everything. I have no where/no one to turn to, no where to go. I AM SORRY, BUT I WILL NOT TAKE MY KIDS TO AN APARTMENT. I would only fear more behavioural problems and stress with my son if we were in closer/smaller quarters. He is very loud.
Help me get through to this man. I am going to print off your replies and leave them for him to hopefully read. Please please explain why I can't have him here living convenient to him three nights a week. I love him to much, to have him here, living this casual friendship relationship. He/his family and friends think I am being very immature about this.
Help me to help him understand. I have never been treated so disrespectful by someone in my life. He married me, had children with me. Why would he treat me like this?
I'm sorry you are feeling this pain but I am proud of you. You have stood up for yourself. It was what you needed to do for you.
I know you wanted to marry and be a mom and a wife. And have that be the story of your life. Your life has not turned out that way but it was not your fault. Others have freedom of choice and sometimes their choices affect you.
Your H has made choices that are not good for your marriage. You can't let him continue do this without consequence. I urge you to read Dr Dobson's book "Love must be tough" He explains why the actions you are taking now are loving and necessary.
I am so angry and sad. We know you have been trying so hard, but your H refuses to do his part.
Have you spoken to a lawyer? I know that often lawyers will do a first consultation for free. It would be good for you to find out what your legal options are. Just because your H SAYS he has full control of money, etc. does NOT mean that he does. That is why talking to a lawyer would be a good move for you.
Dude, I don't know you, and I'm only familiar with one side of your story. But if what I've read here on Healing Heart is anything near approaching reality, may I suggest that you step back from your emotions and take a good hard look the situation?
I have no reason to want to insult you or criticize a total stranger, as you are to me. But what I can do is give you an impression of what it truly means to be a husband and father, at least in my world.
The very word "husband" (See: "animal husbandry") means a caregiver, one who provides the necessities of life and protection from harm to those under his care. One who nourishes the body, mind and spirit of those who depend upon him. With humans, of course this refers to one's wife and children.
The idea of "protection from harm" includes not only physical protection, but emotional as well. This is a tremendous responsibility and requires great self discipline and, at times, great sacrifice. Nurturing one's marriage must come first, even before the children in a certain sense, because you are the role model for your children. They will live what they learn from you. Don't deceive yourself into thinking that they are somehow insulated from or not really paying attention to everything you do.
To be a father means, among other things, putting one's children's needs for stable family life as a major priority. Sure, lots of kids grow up OK in broken homes. And lots of kids don't grow up so OK in broken homes.
Have you thought about the effects of your dalliances on your family? I mean, REALLY thought about it? What would you be feeling if the situation were reversed & it was you who felt the sting of an affair? Can you put your own needs aside just for the moment and focus on the needs of those closest to you? To try something different in order to get different results? To work on understanding and relieving the pain of the very person you vowed to love, honor and cherish?
If one can't do this, then I think it's safe to say that they have no business being a husband, nor a father.
What I don't understand is if your spouse is telling you that you are hurting her emotionaly, why do you continue to hurt her? Let the woman go if you can't meet her needs as a husband should. As blue said, take a step back and look at what you are doing to another human being. That is just not right.
Are you really a husband and father? being a husband and father does not just mean bringing home a paycheck. It means being emotionally supportive as well. Aside from what you are doing to your wife, think about your children. Children being raised by spereated/divorced parents grow up to be more productive healthy human beings than children being raised in a dysfunctional home by both parents.
You can't have it both ways. It is unfair to everyone for you to use your wife and children's home as a flop house, staying there a few nights a week! Where will you stay the other nights? It is normal to want to go out occassionaly with friends but the respectful and normal thing to do is let your wife know where you will be, who you will be with and approx when you will be home. A married man just not coming home is unacceptable. If your wife just didn't come home one night what would you think?
Perhaps you can designate 1-2 nights a week as boys night out. Maybe the two of you can get out once a week for couple time. Something fun that you both enjoy doing. Have a family night, something that will bring the family together.
I have been reading your post over and over trying to find the right words of comfort for you. I am so sorry for all the pain you are feeling...
The only things that keeps playing in my head is you and your kids.. I so understand how scary it is to feel alone and scared and I used to think that way that I would never beable to take care of my kids.. BUT then I started to think well how well am i taken care of them now. with lettin them live in house where the father doesn't give a crap about what his family needs and wants. I think right now its hard for you to see that because of the pain you are feeling.. Its going to take you a long time to feel safe enough with yourself to understand that you will be ok.. your kids will be ok. ya know they are seeing right now what kind of a father he already is . do you think they like it?? dont you think they would be ok without him. I would rather be alone for the right reason the with somebody for the wrong. I know what i have gone throught is way different then what you are. and I know you have a child with some problems. and I know you feel there is no light at the end . and I know that what i say may not be the right thing. and may even hurt you and I in no way want to hurt you. I just hate seeing you hurt so badly over a man that just does not give a sh*t about you.. and that just is plan wrong. YOU are a good person and there is strength inside of you or you would have not locked the door that night.. that shows strength and he got upset because he doesn't want you to be strong he wants you to be weak. Dont be tell yourself every day that you can do it. you deserve better. YOU DESERVE BETTER..
I think of you everyday and I wish you all the power and strength to make it another day...
hugs to you.
april
I can not thank you all enough for your words, your strength, your kindness, YOUR UNDERSTANDING.
SO, many others who have not gone through this, just don't GET IT.
They are all casual.....i.e. well, get divorced, take your kids to an apartment, get a job. THEY SIMPLY DON'T GET THAT I LOVED THIS MAN (LOVE THIS MAN), and can't bare (STUPID AS I AM), ending my life with him.
So many of your responses were so........"hit the nail on the head". I am strongly considering printing them off for him.
He needs to know how much he is hurting me. I feel like I have nothing left. I am worthless, my esteerm is out the door. I can't believe he has such little consideration for the pain he is causing me and what he will bring to my children.
Maybe more emphasis from you viewers would be helpful.
Can you believe he thinks I am making a much bigger emotional deal about this than should be? About ending our marriage. About how this will effect his children? I am so concerned that my special needs son, may get worse emotionally and therefore behaviourally. God, please help me. Help us.
Well, uhm, uhm ... I KNOW! Find out who Hurt2thecore's H's OW's lawyer is and hire him, as she got awarded 1/2 of H2C's H's wages (obscene judgment, wasn't that! But that is another story . . .)
I know this is not a laughing matter, but I hope you got a smile on your face for even just a moment.
I am truly sorry for the mess your H has put you and your precious children in. I wish I had magic words to tell you, but I don't. I can just tell you to keep posting here and sharing your thoughts. It is good for you to keep getting the validation you need because your H is certainly not giving it to you and you are so worn down right now that you can't give it to yourself.
What stood out for me in your posts was this feeling that you expressed of feeling so low, unworthy about YOU. THAT is where you have got to start. You mention God. Let me tell you that God does not see you as unworthy. So start right now, by stopping believing that LIE. YOU are worthy and precious. He knows every hair on your head, formed you in your mother's womb. DO NOT LET AN AFFAIR, make you for one minute doubt who you are to GOD. You CANNOT trust your husband right now, but you can trust GOD.
Secondly...and please don't take this wrong, but what is so bad about an apartment? It definately sounds like your special needs son needs the security of routine etc... but don't for one minute think that the emotional space surrounding you right now between you and your husband is not effecting him as well. Just food for thought.
Thank you again for your emails. Your thoughts. Your kindness.
You gave back to me a moment, an ounze of something to myself.
My husband is not a big earner. So to be awarded half his income would be scary.
An apartment for my son would make evrythign that much more stressfu. He has high level ADHD. The smaller and closer his confinded quarters, the more stress it would be for all of us...........he/me/his brother. He would go crazy, be more in everyones face. SPACE IS GOOD (LARGER) FOR ALL OF US. Plus, he is soooooooooooooo loud that I would likely ahve so many complaints to keep the noise down.
I couldn't deal with this addionaal stress. His ways are not his fault, I realize this.
Thank you for your understanding.
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