Last night I had panic attacks almost everytime I started to fall asleep. I literally started to fall asleep and would wake up suddenly screaming. It was the most terrifying experiance of my life. Some of the time they were random thoughts (the building was collapsing, that i was in explostion etc.) and some of them were strong images of WS and OM.
I don't know what is happening to me but I'm really really tired. How do I keep these thoughts out of my head? Why is this happening now (DD+22)?
Been there and Im afraid that if you are like me that will be happening to you for a long time. GET TO A DOCTOR. You need something to help you sleep. That is all you have right now is your health and the ability to move forward. Please go to the doctor ASAP and get some rest. Please take care of yourself.
Good morning, Adam...well, its not quite morning here (just about 4am). Obviously, tonight I'm not doing particularly well with the sleep issue myself.
As for the sleep/dream terrors. I think dreams are a way of trying to sort out reality. After finding out about an A and being horribly thrust into that aftermath, there seems to be no solid reality in the daytime. Everything we knew to be true is in question. That puts our dream state into sort of a weird overdrive. I found there were times my dreams would present me with a possible scenario I'd have to face to sort out how I'd feel in that situation, like running into the OW...or confronting OW and WS at the same time.
You're still so very fresh into the raw ache of this, that I can see how your dream state would be recreating similar terror situations at night, either masked in different "clothes" like the building collapse,...or more realistically with the objects of your true daytime terror.
When I was going through this earlier on, my sleep pattern was way off. I found myself pushing myself past the point of exhaustion so that I wouldn't fall asleep, but I'd pass out. Sometimes that meant not dreaming, which would be a relief. I wasn't interested in meds, though there are a number of people here who successfully used sleep aids and hopefully will give you their perspective on that. I finally, on the advice of my IC, looked into some herbal sleep aids, did research on Valerian and Melatonin, and successfully used Valerian to sleep better.
O.k., now the last we heard from you, you were going to be gone over the weekend (how was that?) and when you came back, your W was going to be spending the week at her parents. Did that happen? I know, in your shoes, though parts of that break might be nice, I would also be running a bit panicky about the distance, if she really was where she said she is, how much freedom does she have to do what she shouldn't, etc., etc. I'd be panicky...and my dreams would both reflect that and give me different scenarios to sort that through.
I wish I had more advice about how to make that stop short of having reality find greater resolution and feeling safer. Even then, I think we as affair victims and our own post traumatic stress disorder, suffer for a long time.
Not sure if you're a tea drinker, or if you do the warm milk thing at all, but finding things that calm you is a good way to go. Alcohol is tempting, because it does have a relaxing effect, but because it actually is a stimulant, I would try to stay away from it.
Not sure if this helped, Adam. Let me know if you come up with any other brainstorms on this, or from searches on-line. And our helpful crew here will have more ideas, I'm sure.
Sigh. I just hate this reality. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
Thanks for your comments they are comforting that its "Normal"
I got back from my holiday yesterday, my W is leaving today, which meant last night we were together.
I'm not sure that going away aloud me to put things in perspective so much as just block the situation from my mind.
When I came home I got a massive hug from a tearful W, who seemed to have missed me v much. I think while away I had put it out of my mind which is implicitly moving towards splitting up. As soon as I got back and saw her I was thrown completely to the opposite extreme.
I don't know if it is now going to be better or worse when she isn't there this week.
Best advice I can give you is get out, walk, run, cycle, gym until your muscles ache. Find other things to think about, things to do. What happened to me was I was totally obsessed for weeks, didn't eat or sleep and it did me no good. By the end of that time I was seeing OM whenever I closed my eyes.
Now a part of it we can't control - just let it happen and with time it eases. Another part is the obsession and it can be bad for you. I did get tablets from the doctor but they didn't work for me - made the nightmares even worse. Do your best to go easy on yourslef, look after yourself and try to find things outside the relationship that make you smile. Finally, remember that it does get easier with time.
Hope it gets better soon, Samuel.
This message has been edited by Samuel500 on Jul 3, 2007 8:02 AM
Blueiris has termed this very well, the dreams, and scenario creating in wake time are ways we help our mind comprehend the incomprehensible. I think that the shock/denial phase is wearing off for you and you are moving into the smack of reality part of the process. You will sea saw back and forth between these two for a while so be ready.
Learning to cope with the visuals is in and of itself a process too. Over time, the techniques you pick up will work better and better, getting to the point that you may do them with out thought.
A simple method is to just scream, “STOP!” either silently inside your own head or outwardly if you are alone. In the beginning, this will seem not to have an effect at all, but keep it up, overtime you will notice it begins to work.
Another method, a favorite of mine, is to use imagery. Imagery works because it gives the brain something else to do. My image was one that helped me worked through all the tiny nuances of the betrayal. I created in my mind an oasis, a place peaceful and special to me. My oasis was surrounded by huge oak trees that only opened a path for me. In side, the fortress of protecting trees was my self-made paradise. I was greeted by a field of dandelions; dandelions hold a special childhood memory for me. Walking through the dandelions, I would end up at a beautiful lake, with water lilies, cattails and my very own waterfall. I often imagined myself sitting on the edge of the lake contemplating whatever particular affair detail was foremost in my brain. After I had thought on it long enough I picked a dandelion, which automatically went to seed. Gazing at the beautiful, white, puffy ball, I would slowly blow, and watch as each seed detached itself and drifted away on the wind. I imagined that this was a way of letting go of that issue. It was ok if I had to go back and blow away another dandelion on the same issue over and over again. Each time I found I let a little more of the pain on that issue go.
I have heard that for men in particular exercise is very helpful. I found this did not work for me, but we are all different.
I also found doing constructive things to heal helpful, it gave me hope. I read, looked into and got into programs. This board and others. IC and MC to name of few.
Still you may find that the most healing aspect of the visuals is giving into them from to time-to-time and let them play out. We need to accept and we cannot accept what we will not acknowledge
I took up running which I found really helped when the anxieties and obsessive thoughts were closing in. I'd never run before so it took effort on my part to be able to run any distance which took my mind off the mental pain I was in (swapped it for physical pain ). Then later when the running was getting easier I found it gave me great thinking time if I needed to work something through. If I couldn't sleep then I just got up as soon as it got light and went running then. Eventually the bad nights do lessen.
I don't think it's a bad thing if you feel you are starting to pull away from your W, it's probably self preservation stepping in. It's not fair of your W to expect you to tolerate her having any sort of relationship with this man ever since they had their A, she's being v selfish, have you ever asked her how she would feel if she was in your shoes?
Can't really say much more other than hold fast to what you know is right for you. I hope that eventually your W will realise what she is risking losing with her behaviour but if not well at least you are starting to take care of you.
Oh boy...how I remember those dreams. I remember waking up crying. It just really sucks. Some of my dreams were of OW and H deciding to leave to go be with her. I noticed that I also had a lot of dreams that delt with water. I'm not sure what the significance of those dreams are. Weird.
What helped me get my mind off the A thing (in moments) were...believe it or not, my pets. About 3-4 months later, I got my third Golden Retriever. I don't think I have ever bonded with an animal as much as him. None of the other dogs were allowed to do what I have allowed him to do (ex. get on the bed/couch....except now he is too crazy and has been demoted!). This dog has so much personality that he really makes me laugh. It's nice to laugh.
Hang in there Adam. I know it's hard but try to find something that can take your mind off even if it's for a few moments.
(((hugs)))
Jetta
This message has been edited by jetta1967 on Jul 3, 2007 4:25 PM
). Then later when the running was getting easier I found it gave me great thinking time if I needed to work something through. If I couldn't sleep then I just got up as soon as it got light and went running then. Eventually the bad nights do lessen.