AGAIN, I MAY PRINT OFF YOUR REPLIES IF IT WILL HELP HIM SEE THE LIGHT, HAVE SOME UNDERSTANDING OF THE PAIN HE IS PUTTING ME THRU.

Following the morning I locked him out, but he did get in through the garage, I told him to move out. Believe me, this is truly truly not what I would really wish for.
I asked him to ask his sister/mother for space for him and our boys the evenings he has them. Things got said, and in the end I picked up the phone, with him warning me not to do so and called his sister. She and I were the closest, the closest of friends and she GodMother to both of my boys, before spouses affair. I lost that too. A dear trusted friend as she felt the need to "side with her brother." More heartache there big time. This ending in friendship also meant a huge change in her relationship with my children. Again, the kids get effected!

I call her and say, you don't know what has been going on here for three years. He likes it that way; you and I not talking. I said, yes, I suspect no matter what he does to me, you will side with him (even for the wrong reasons), but I just want to ask if you/your mom will give him and my boys a place to stay when he has them. He can stay there indefinite, but when he has the boys, can they come there. My sister in law has an extra bedroom in her condo and Mother in law has three extra bedrooms in her home. MY PARENTS HAVE NO EXTRA BEDROOMS PERIOD.

She eneded up listening to me and hanging up. How sweet. I wasn't suprised.
I said to husband, I am going to call her back when i suspect she is not home. There are things I have wanted to say to her for three years I have kept inside. I said, I imagine she will be curious and play my messages. I did just as I said. I waited and later called and left her messages (three of them). I spoke as fast as I can.

I asked her where she had been for three years to someone she advised to me that I was like a sister to her. Where had she been to my older son, who she adored and said she could not love them anymore if he were her own. She hasn't children. I asked her, where have you been to my younger son, the one you wrote to, that you hoped to be as close to him as his brother. I said.....yes, your brohter has gone and humilated so many people and caused so much pain to so many. My children, when he leaves, will feel it the most. I said, it is funny (not), how your family is so casual about divorce? LIke we are just another statisic? It is funny (not) how spouse is so casual about my son's future. Basically, he has decided for him that he can do construction. Should I just give up on him now? Pull him out from school now reading at an SK level?

I went on to adivse her how we have lived. Little to no conversation. I said, I realise you lived this way with your mom/dad/siblings growwing up, but I am sorry, I am not accustomed to this way of life. I dont' like it and I don't want my kids growing up this way. I dont' want my kids to think Daddies don't talk to their Mommies. I said, yeah sure, he will now do things with the boys. After all, I have told him that when we split, I will let everyone know he was good to himself and his freinds. But, that he was a lousy husband and father. So, hence the reason why he is pickign up some. I told her, he will do things for them now, but he always has to be asked and I always have to do the planning for them (he/boys). Oh but yes I said, you call this "nagging".

I said so many things I can't remember. I said, your whole family seems to make light of so many things. His affiar you said to me,,,,,,"he only slept with her two times." You said, "how dare you call the police on him, has he ever ever hurt you." I said, there is a first time for everything, I was scared and did what I had to do. I said, you also said, "move on with your life" just after I found out about the other woman. I said, would you say that to a friend who suddently lost a spouse/parent to death?
She had said previously, " you have to return monies my mom lent you to our mom now htat you are separtating." When I said it was a gift to us, "you said, we will have to see how the courts interpret the note.". I said in my message, "you call these things, bring a friend?!"

The other sister to my husband, who lives out West, had sent a letter to our other siser in law. Remember, the other brother to my husband (siblings), also cheated on his wife and kids. They are now separated. Anyhow, she out West, wrote a letter to my other sister in law (who I have remained friends with as we have so much in common), and said she was being immature for not staying friends with her brother (cheating husband). This idiot sister in law out West has no idea the pain her brother has put her through, even separated. It is like the two brothers are one of the same. It is scary! Anyhow, this idiot sister in law wrote saying.......I have counseelled people thru affairs, move on,,,." Again, she has no idea what her borther continues to torment his ex wife. Anyhow, I said in my phone message, I don't wnat your idiot sister writing me a letter also after you play this message and share the details with her. She has no idea what she is talking about, "has seen pain." Until she has walked in our shoes, she has no write to judge. Just as I can't imagine ones' pain living/dyeing of cancer. I would see their pain, but not "feel it." So screw her, and her advise! I also said, you can also pass on to your sister I don't need her parenting tips/advice. Until she has a special needs child and lives with one, she can have no idea what she would be talking about.

So, this is going to start a new war I am sure. What have I done?!

I hung up. I never expected her to call back. Guess what, she did.

I was balling. I told her he needed to leave, so I could come to terms this was truly over. I needed to "officially" grieve in peace. I needed to get healthy for my kids who I suspect this was going to hurt them greatly. Especially now since has been showing them his time and doing some fun stuff with them. God, I hope they never ever blame me for this. Thsi is not my fualt. I would never in million years wish this for them. This pain. The changes to come. The financial hardhships.

Basically, she told me she was sorry, but there was no place in her condo, or her moms home for my kids. Whatever! I then said, how about your brother? He moves into his new home, very close to us ina month. Can spouse not go stay with him? Not have our boys stay with them? Then she gave me this song and dance, how the brtoehrs are not close.. I am so so so at a loss. Ithought I had some good answers, but they have all been shut down.

People thINK (HE/HIS FRIENDS/FAMILY).......a) I should let him stay there at our home a couple days a week and I should drive in all kinds of weather to my parents 40 minutes away (in good weather) and they have no bedroom for me.

B) that I can stay in the home if I can't go to my parents and just live this way a couple days a week with him there.

I hope I am not souonding cruel. But I can't do either. When he leaves, I don't wantn to share and be connected in home. I want my life to be new, in a home without him?

Any thoughts to my phonecall made? Any thoughts to how my husband and I can solve this problem?

PLEASE PLEASE HELP. THHANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR READING. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT.

even for an hour. You are (understandably) so distraught right now that your head is spinning with a million thoughts, projections, & fears. Please slow down, pace your racing mind or it will overwhelm you. I have learned that we actually ATTRACT the same energy that we project. Don't give away your personal power to those who would use it against you.

You cannot control your in-laws responses/reactions to what is going on; please don't tie your own mental health to how they react, hard as it may be. Don't seek water from a dry riverbed.

You have a trauma bond with your H. You truly love him so deeply, and have been wounded so mortally by him that that the connection (from you to him) actually grows stronger. It is a paradox.
I know, because it happened to me.

Your emotional health is of critical importance to your children. Release any feelings of guilt, shame or fear--let them waft away in the wind for now. Live this very moment without projecting anything--feel your heart beat, call to mind the things that make you such a wonderful person. Remember who you TRULY are--a strong, dutiful mother, a caring, forgiving woman.
BB

((((((((((((LMW)))))))))))))

You need to do what is best for YOU. What is best for you will be what is best for the children in the end. But I feel you are right, you will never be able to heal from this untill he leaves or recommits. Since he has not recommited after 3 years what choice do you really have? As long as he remains in the house YOU will suffer.

And like Ami said, he chose to cheat, where he lives and how he plans visitations with the kids are his to solve. I aslo feel you need to see a lawyer and understand your rights. It will help you to know where you stand legally. I also agree, that you need to find some form of counselling. Your children will need you to be strong for yourself and for them through all of this.

Again, I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Hello ladies, hello everyone. I hope you are well.

I have to thank you immensely once more for your thoughts and the time you take to read my posts and provide feedback. I can't tell you how much you mean to me. You have been more supportive and understanding than friends/family. I know that you can personally "feel" my pain and understand my "fears" to some degree. If you don't have the stress of "my children", you can't understand my "other fears". I feel a need to arange his visitiation, otherwise he may not. I love love love my children, but if I am going to be with them mostly all the time (I am sure to go out of my mind, or dye of exhaustion), I NEED HIM TO TAKE THEM OFF MY HANDS FOR A BREAK. I know you may not get this.

Anyhow...........just to fill you in..............

YOU WILL HAPPY TO KNOW THAT I LOCATED A DOCTOR, BETTER STILL........A FEMALE DR. MY AGE, WHO HAS A 'SPECIAL NEEDS' SON. SHE WASN'T TAKING ANY NEW PATIENTS, BUT I WALKED IN HER OFFICE AND ASKED TO SPEAK WITH HER. I TOLD HER ABOUT MY SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD AND CHEATING HUSBAND. THAT I DIDN'T KNOW HOW I WAS COPING WITH ALL THIS (IN ADDITION TO THE EMOTIONAL TRAUMA THIS WAS HAVING ON ME). THE ANXIETY OF NOT KNOWING HOW I WOULD FINANCIALLY PROVIDE FOR THEM. SHE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID, " YOU HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS, YOU NEED NO LONGER LOOK FOR A DOCTOR. I AM YOUR NEW DOCTOR". I AM SOOOOOOOOOO THRILLED. I WILL MEET WITH HER NEXT WEEK TO TALK ABOUT MEDS,,,. I TOLD HER I FELT I NEEDED TO BE ON ANTIDEPRESSANTS. SHE WANTS TO KNOW MY ENTIRE HISTORY,,, FIRST AND SHE ORDERED BLOOD WORK IMMED.. SECONDLY, I SAW A SECOND PYSCHOTHERAPIST YESTERDAY. I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT WILL WORK OUT JUST YET. HE IS GIVING ME ALL THIS "SELF HELP" HOMEWORK TO DO, WHICH I HAVE NO TIME FOR. MY KIDS CONSUME ALL MY TIME AND ENERGY. LASTLY, I WENT TO SEE ANOTHER LAWYER YESTERDAY. THE INFO SUPPLIED WAS VAGUE (ALWAYS THE SAME CRAP), WHICH IN NO WAY ENTICES ME TO START SEPARATION ACTION.

This is all that is new with me. I am so so sooooo tired. My child (children fighting),,, and what spouse has done to me and how we have lived over the past three years has been unbelievably draining. I think I run on "empty.".

Anyhow, I hope you are all well. I am terribly sorry I have not been here for awhile. Busy with the kids out from school.

ps. Thrilled to report, I will get some "me" time come this fall, as my littlest one will go to school a couple days a week. "ME" time I say........., heck, I have already signed up to volunteer my time the days he is in school.

Write as you can. Thank you for your friendships. God Bless.

LonelyMomWife

I was thinking about you too...I will be praying that you continue to find help and resources to make things work out for you and your kids....Please leave yourself at least a small pocket of spare time on those days that your little one is in school...use it to take something fun, like beading, dancing, or yoga, etc.
Lisa

First of all, I want to express my sincere sympathy for what you're going through. To say that it is difficult is a gross understatement. I only know through indirect experience with special needs people, and even from the little I know I can see the challenge that it presents. Unfortunately I don't have enough experience to know what resources are or are not available, or how to go about finding the ones that are there.

I agree that you need a regular break from the care of your children. I don't know how you can get that break, but I agree that it is needed. In our church there is a service offered once a week for a few hours, called MOTS where mothers are encouraged to leave their young children with caretakers for the morning while they have some time for themselves... to shop, to run errands, or just to relax for a while. You might look around to see if a church in your area offers something like this. If you can't find something, I encourage you to approach a few pastors and ask if they might be willing to help you. You'd be surprised how many pastors would welcome the opportunity to find help for you. I realize I speak about this with a degree of ignorance, so please forgive me if my suggestions are something you've already pursued.

Regarding your sister-in-law (SIL). I'm sorry that you've lost what was once great a relationship with here. That doesn't seem fair, even if it's understandable (vis-a-vis Ami's explanation). Maybe, now that you've cleared the air, it's time to lower your expectations for how she will respond from her on out. I've found that most people (no matter how much you respect them otherwise) have a hard time being supportive in the aftermath of adultery. Your situation with an essentially unrepentant husband makes the situation all the more difficult. She seems to be telling you that she is not a resource that you can rely on. As such, I think forgoing any further discussions with her of your marital relationship is wise.

I'm not sure that there is anything you can do to make your husband leave the home if he isn't cooperating. If you've expressed your desire, and he is unresponsive, then you have to find options that you are in control over. For example, you can find out if you have the legal right to ask him to leave. If he has been abusive, then you might have cause for his eviction. A lawyer is the best person to explain the options available to you. If you can't force him out of the house, then you can find out if there are legal ways for you to leave without bearing the cost of leaving the home and paying for a place to live. If you focus on the options that depend only on your actions, then you will have power to control the situation. Of course, you will likely have to make compromises, but that's normal in any of life's situations, especially one of this nature.

Overall it sounds like your husbands' family is not going to help you evict him from his home... I'm not surprise, especially given that they are standing with him on this. Given that, you might want to avoid involving them in any future decisions.

TomJ

I'm so happy that you found a good Dr...a good step forward for you.

I smiled when I read your post about volunteering at your sons school, that tells me so much about you.

Just sending you ((((hugs)))


Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

I am so glad you found a sympathetic DR., and you are doing a little better

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Hi all,

I will respond to your most responses later this evening or tomorrow. Right now I need to vent. I am so so so mmmmmmmmad!
FURIOUS!

I was just informed that my husband is going out WEST to visit his sister (who he is not close to). She has a son the same age as my youngest son. As it turns out, my husbands oldest sister is also making taking the trip with my husband.

They have decided to take my youngest son for company of his cousin of the same age, BUT NOT TAKE MY ELDEST ''SPECIAL NEEDS'' SON. How cruel is that?

I have been given every reason in the book from, there is no room, to, he will be afraid on the plane, to, he will be afraid in the parks. Yes, it is true, there may be some anxiety issues they may have to deal with, but heck, there are enough adults, surely they can care for my youngest son and leave husband to manage the "anxiety issues" as they arise with my older son. What I figure is he would be too much work and stress for everyone, even though there are several of them, so called ADULTS. I figure my two sisters in law will hang out with the two little guys and my husband will get to do his own thing. Bars, women,,,. ALWAYS HIS AGENDA..........ALWAYS HIMSELF!

Here I will sit at home, with our other son. I am so angry, that angry does not explain it. How might my other son feel, about not being included? He is loosing out on a huge opportunity to go on a plane, see the mountains (MAY BE HIS ONLY OPPORTUNITY FOR A TRIP EVER, BECAUSE OF FINANCIAL CIRCUMSTANCES).

What might you say to this "selfish man"? How might you handle it? I am looking for feedback please if you will. I wanted to call his sisters so bad. I despise this family!

HELLLLLLLLP!

This is sad, and wrong. I can see how angry this makes you feel. I'm really sorry they are doing this to your boy.

Your son is a gift just as he is. Apparently not everyone values the joy of a child and the promise of a person. It's just sad that in this case it's the boy's father and aunts.

Tom

I'm sorry your H just doesn't understand or sympathize with your older sons feelings. H sounds like a difficult person to have a conversation with, but have you tried to calmly discuss your sons feelings and how he deserves this opportunity?

On the other hand, have you thought about how your son will react on a plane? Will the stress of needing to sit and be relatively quiet for several hours be too much on him. If the plane ride is not a good experience for him on the way there, will he be reluctant to get on the plane to return home? Just something to think about.

My heart goes out to you when I read your posts. you are going through such a difficult time right now, I wish I could do something to help you.

(((hugs)))
Lisa

I remember the last time my mother tried to fly with my special needs sister. My sis completely freaked out in the airport and the security guards, not knowing the situation, completely surrounded my dear sweet mom AT GUNPOINT. Understandably, my mother never traveled with my sister again. This often meant that my mom stayed home with my sister while my dad travelled.

But that's merely a situation that happened within my family. I use the story here only to say that there are very real concerns about your son and his diagnosis that would make the situation tense/difficult/potentially unmanageable for your H and/or your sister-in-law.

I am wondering, though, at the point the money currently exists for your H to travel outwest, perhaps you could propose that he also find the money for you and your older son to go on a vacation for the two of you...doesn't have to be fancy or outlandish. But at the point your youngest is getting a special opportunity, you have the potential opportunity for creating special memories with your oldest. Maybe that would mean going to the Baseball Hall of Fame in the states...some Canadian point of interest he hasn't been to before....something.

See if you can, instead of looking only at how this situation hurts, to finding a way out that creates less pain...and perhaps even a couple of positives.

Yes, its going to hurt to have the boys separated and not have the trip go exactly the way you would like to see it happen (with both boys going with their dad), but as ALL of us here know all too well, we do not get to create the reality we want. Reality is flawed, as are the people in it. What we choose to do with those flaws determines our joy.

Just my two cents. BlueIris

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

Hello everyone,

I am rushign (once again), to email everyone. I am at the library while my eldest son is being tutorered. My younger is driving me wacko next to me. He never seems to be able to occupy himself for long (and is beginning to scar me). I am talking 5 minutes with anything! ANYHOW...........

I have been up since 4 am and am so so tired. The story of my life. I can not believe how three years have passed (almost), and I still am sleep disturbed, wakign up still and recalling over and over again of things said and done to me.

I left my husband a v/m message on his cell phone while he slept lastnight. I was very calm. I begged him to go live with his mom. I begged him to explain to her, that she really needed to let my boys have a bedroom in her home (she has three empty ones.......she lives alone now) and use of her vacant finished basement (which includes a kitchen, shower, livingroom,,,). She doesn't use these. I told him that he has put me thru hell and although I didn't have all the answers at this time, it would be a start, "to end things with us." I asked that he make this move out NOW, so that the kids initial shock,,, would give me time and them time to digest things before school started back.

I am nervous about seeing him tonight. He would have played this message on his way into work this morning.

On other notes.........

Thank you for your last responses. They mean so so so much to me. TomJ, I have looked everywhere for help, both for me and my kids. I still keep looking for leads and make phone calls.

In respect to my sister in law, I don't imagine contacting her further, unless of course she buds herself in to my separation when it happens. When it comes to money issues and my kids........she gets her nose right in there!

I don't know how my oldest son will handle a plane. I am sure there will be some anxiety. I will contact his Psychiatrist before his departure, to see what she recommends. Ohhhhhhhh, I didn't fill you in, as it stands now he is talking about takign both boys. I was really hurt that he would not take my eldest and thought one day he would suffer and wonder why his Daddy wouldn't. My eldest boy has very very very few interests. Sports is not one of them. Rides are another he has no interest in. He only recently shows some interest in gameboy, and gamecube. He is hard to entertain. He has no great interest in anything. My youngest only wants to be outdoors. This makes parenting the two very hard on me. The eldest is not old enough to leave at home.

I have contacted another lawyer and have another appointment in another week or so. I am seekign out more "FREE" info.

I don't have a plan at all. Why can't I get a plan?! I feel so lost and scared. I feel so so so sad. I feel hopeless. I feel angry. My only care at this point is my CHILDREN.

I hope to be on meds soon (HOW SAD SOUNDING IS THIS?!!!)
I have alot of anger and depression over this also. That my husband took me to this place (meds needs). It has been a painfully horrilbe three years.

Thank you again for all your thoughts. Your support.
You can not know what you all have meant to me.

LonelyMomWife

Hello everyone,

I am rushign (once again), to email everyone. I am at the library while my eldest son is being tutorered. My younger is driving me wacko next to me. He never seems to be able to occupy himself for long (and is beginning to scar me). I am talking 5 minutes with anything! ANYHOW...........

I have been up since 4 am and am so so tired. The story of my life. I can not believe how three years have passed (almost), and I still am sleep disturbed, wakign up still and recalling over and over again of things said and done to me.

I left my husband a v/m message on his cell phone while he slept lastnight. I was very calm. I begged him to go live with his mom. I begged him to explain to her, that she really needed to let my boys have a bedroom in her home (she has three empty ones.......she lives alone now) and use of her vacant finished basement (which includes a kitchen, shower, livingroom,,,). She doesn't use these. I told him that he has put me thru hell and although I didn't have all the answers at this time, it would be a start, "to end things with us." I asked that he make this move out NOW, so that the kids initial shock,,, would give me time and them time to digest things before school started back.

I am nervous about seeing him tonight. He would have played this message on his way into work this morning.

On other notes.........

Thank you for your last responses. They mean so so so much to me. TomJ, I have looked everywhere for help, both for me and my kids. I still keep looking for leads and make phone calls.

In respect to my sister in law, I don't imagine contacting her further, unless of course she buds herself in to my separation when it happens. When it comes to money issues and my kids........she gets her nose right in there!

I don't know how my oldest son will handle a plane. I am sure there will be some anxiety. I will contact his Psychiatrist before his departure, to see what she recommends. Ohhhhhhhh, I didn't fill you in, as it stands now he is talking about takign both boys. I was really hurt that he would not take my eldest and thought one day he would suffer and wonder why his Daddy wouldn't. My eldest boy has very very very few interests. Sports is not one of them. Rides are another he has no interest in. He only recently shows some interest in gameboy, and gamecube. He is hard to entertain. He has no great interest in anything. My youngest only wants to be outdoors. This makes parenting the two very hard on me. The eldest is not old enough to leave at home.

I have contacted another lawyer and have another appointment in another week or so. I am seekign out more "FREE" info.

I don't have a plan at all. Why can't I get a plan?! I feel so lost and scared. I feel so so so sad. I feel hopeless. I feel angry. My only care at this point is my CHILDREN.

I hope to be on meds soon (HOW SAD SOUNDING IS THIS?!!!)
I have alot of anger and depression over this also. That my husband took me to this place (meds needs). It has been a painfully horrilbe three years.

Thank you again for all your thoughts. Your support.
You can not know what you all have meant to me.

LonelyMomWife