Ok. The final complexity in the mess, which was hinted at in the OB. I will be seeing a therapist for the above.

As is generally the case this is rarely diagnosed or picked up except in extreme situations, which is why it has come to light now (despite being nearly picked up 4 years ago).

This adds a lot of complexities to the issues, one being my interaction with this board and advice. A dependent person (not to be confused with "co-dependent" classification) compulsively seeks advice and help from others - to an unhealthy level. It's a little like being addicted to help. This also means I am likely to follow advice blindly, and get overly upset if it doesn't work.

Which of course makes therapy tricky!

Anyway, this isn't a post for advice, but rather because it might fill a few gaps in the puzzle for those following the story, and in particular should help explain some of my reactions against the board.

Now I can acknowledge this though I feel better placed to start dealing with it, although I know I haven't stopped.

Thank you for all the advice though, but I think support is better for me.

Adam,

One of the terrific points of this board is that people can get advice and/or support here. All one has to do is say what one needs.

That you understand yourself is really a strong point for you. We all hope that one day your W will understand herself. BTW, it is not at all unusual for either WS or BS (or both) to be suffering from depression during the time of an A. During my H's A, he and I both were.

FYI, it is pretty normal for a person so devastated as we BS are to try any and all advice in a desperate attempt to save the marriage.

Encouraging fairy hugs,

ff

Adam,
I am so glad that you are going to IC. It has helped me in ways that go far beyond dealing with the A's. I don't think I am necessarily a dependent personality in the clinical sense but definitely put H's needs before my own. I was always looking to fill the hole inside and thought H could do that - so wrong. Only I can and am working towards being able to.

There are so many wonderful people here to give support, advice, comfort, compassion...as FF said, whatever you need. Over the last 2 years, this has been the only place I could come to express my feelings uncensored. Sometimes, it meant disagreeing with people but that is healthy, I think.

No one can understand the feelings of being betrayed unless you have been here, not even the best IC, IMO. At the same time, each person's reaction is given a unique and particular momentum because of our individual histories. No two stories are the same. No two solutions are the same. In my case, I had to deal with the particulars of working through reconciliation with an alcoholic, which presents some issues that are not "by the book." And, each of us grew up in different circumstances, creating different fears, expectations, self images and "buttons."

But, the out-of-body experience of finding out that the person who was supposed to love and cherish you has been sticking knives in your back is shared by all here. It is a place of hope and love and I hope that you will continue to be part of our group.

Who annoyed the living hell out of me.

I was in such a mood by the end of it that when he said it was nice meeting me I told him that "I'd like to say the same but it really wasn't".

I think I understand though as I thought about it on the way back to work. He outwitted me something rotten.

Adam - What do you mean "outwitted"? I'm sorry it wasn't a more positive experience on the surface. Do you think the "outwitting" holds a deeper importance for you?

Sorry, just need some clarification. BlueIris

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

Yes I'm sure it does hold deeper meaning and purpose. Was just venting because I came out very frustrated. I think the idea was to make me frustrated though, but its going to take a lot more than one session. Was rather clear that it isn't going to be a warm and fuzzy affair though but painfully challenging.

He did express concern that dealing with both the A and my own problems simultaneously was not ideal, but on the other hand now more than ever I could do with sorting them. He also later said that the A should be pretty good catalyst for sorting me out - forcing me to comfront things and do things.

He basically refused to help me with my problems with the A, not in a nasty way but in an infuriating way. It basically hammered home that there are no "solutions" to problems like this. He stayed very philosophical, it was like a socratic fight.

He also had me reaching for the dictionary with the phrase "Deeply Ingrained Prevarication". The ability to lie to myself, or to avoid dealing with issues. Makes it sound like I should have had the A!

Ah, therapy! I have found it to be a very love/hate kind of situation. It has been one of the most invaluable tools of all, but it certainly wasn't what I'd expected or hoped for. For me, it wasn't a place of finding affirmation from the therapist (though if I look closer, its been a way for me to affirm me). It wasn't a place of answers (I really wanted to know step by step what we could be doing, what I should be doing.) and that was very infuriating. And that's just the beginning. Sigh.

Our familiy is taking a vacation next week which means we'll be missing several regularly scheduled therapy appointments. For both my H and I, our initial response to this in many ways is "Yippee!!" Its like getting a break from really hard university classes. We need them for our "degree", but it can be excrutiatingly painful...especially when we're the bugs under the microscope being examined. Very difficult separating out seeing patterns and flaws and problems without going to a defensive place.

All that said, therapy has been and I believe remains the key to breaking free not only from the A aftermath, but recreating ourselves to be better people and a better couple.

Hang in there, bro. IMHO, in the end, its worth the aggravation. Blue Iris

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

Adam,

I know you prefer support to advice, but in this instance I MUST tell you that if you don't feel that you are connecting with the IC, RUN, not walk, to a different therapist.

My IC recognized that I was simply not in the frame of mind to be able to confront my personal issues until we dealt with A issues--how the A made ME feel, etc. After we had worked throught those issues, THEN we worked on my personal issues.

To me, the refusal to address A issues is like going to the hospital emergency room with a gunshot to the heart and a broken arm and the doctor telling you that he would not work on the heart until the broken arm had been taken care of.

HUH????!!!!!

Just my fairy cents' worth and I so understand your frustration,

fairyfriend

edited for content errors

But its not like that at all.

He was actually being very smart. Also he won't be my therapist he was just the consultant psychiatrist.

In hind sight it was a bit of "tough love". I wanted him to give me all the answers, but instead he just passed the questions back to me. It was infuriating to be forced to try and think for myself about myself, rather than be given the answers. I'm not yet ready to find answers myself, but I need to start trying.

The last thing he said summed it up well "No amount of book work and reading can tell you what to do, you have to decide for yourself what is right for you"

Smug git.

I totally agree with what he told you. My point was that there is such an urgency about the A that often we can not put off working on it. We MUST work on the A and our feelings surrounding it if the marriage is to be saved.

Of course a good doc doesn't tell us what to do. That would be just another form of enabling. We NEED to learn to deal with our problems ourselves.

I'm just glad you are going for IC. It is a gift you give yourself.

fairyfriend

IC was absolutely the best thing I ever did for myself...it is the gift that keeps on giving...too bad it isnt always pretty paper and bows...it is hard work getting into that package...but the gift is well worth the effort

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

IC has been the best thing I have ever done for myself. I was very, very resistant initially and still am to some extent. But when I get out of my own way and listen, I am learning so much.

One thing IC and I have talked about is the danger of taking pieces of IC out of context - why she advises against sharing specific conversations too much. Sometimes, there is an overall plan that is not evident from one isolated sentence or two.

For instance, I have been furious at H's first IC - couldn't believe that he didn't take a firmer stance with H's alcoholism. My IC told me that it could have been because H's IC knows that alcoholics lie and did not want H to lie in IC and destroy the therapeutic trust and relationship. Made some sense but still think he was not a great help to him.

So glad you are getting help for YOURSELF.