WS want us to go on holiday. She's keen to book it now but I'm not really sure about that level of commitment! As in she actually wants to book flights today.
What should I do, should I stall? She really thinks that having a holiday and getting away for a while will do her a lot of good.
I think it probably would but its a lot of money to waste if we split up.
I know a number of people have gone on vacations shortly after Ddays. I imagine that doing so can help both the WS and the BS to experience the true connections and love they have for one another.
As Osfan wrote, what do YOU want to do, Adam? If you feel going on a trip with your WS might help you and your marriage, then why NOT go?
If my H were to suggest that we go on vacation I think I would look at it like he is trying to work on us. A vacation is an intimate thing to do together you won't know anyone but each other so you won't get bothered and it won't be in your home town so you hopefully won't get bothered by triggers. Even if it does cost a lot of money I would look at it as an investment into my relationship I wouldn't look at the down side at all.
But like osofan said do you want to go that is the real question.
I didnt mean for my short response to be harsh. Please forgive me. Its just that I always hear you talking about her wants and needs, I'm concerned about you.
Just want you to be true to yourself so you can have some relief and truely feel better.
I didn't take it as harsh. I just realised I'd slipped into my comfort zone again of asking for advice, wanting to be told what to do. And thankfully no-one told me.
One of the biggest things I have to do is make my own decisions.
For someone who has never really done that (seriously as a kid I let my parents make all my life decisions), this is a REALLY hard time to start learning.
[Seriously if anyone is wondering how far dependency can go in seeking help and advice, I can barely buy clothes for myself on my own, and never order first in a restaurant. I am more scared of the hairdressers than the dentists, although that is one I've made an effort to improve. My dependency is one factor (although I won't take all the blame) that has done some damage to our M as you can probably guess.]
Sorry that you had that painful of a flashback. They are awful, I have 3 kids who kept me very busy during the day so all my flashbacks started at night and were worse when I got into bed and closed my eyes. I didn't sleep for the first 2 months(some of that was because I had a newborn who woke up every 2 hours at night). Just know that in my case as time passed the flashbacks became fewer and fewer and I do still have them but 1 a week is a lot for me right now and we have been through a few incidents of contacting the OW and I still didn't have a lot of flashbacks.
I think that I would personally love to go on a trip with just my H we never had a honeymoon because we had a 7 month old when we got married. I think that I would either like to go to the mountains so we could see the beautiful views and smell the crisp clean air lightly scented with pine or to the beach where we could walk a long the sandy shores and hear the waves lapping the beach and feel the damp salty breezes blowing our hair. Where would you go? Where is a place that would be tranquil enough for you to get you to relax and see the beauty around you?
7 months after D-day, H and I took a dream vacation to Maui. It was to be the honeymoon we never had. I wish I could tell you that being away made the triggers go away, but for me they did not. I am not sorry we went, we had a wonderful time, in between my bouts of pain and need to discuss how I was feeling. I spent every mornings on the beech by myself contemplating who I was, and what I wanted out of life. Those private times in paradise were very much needed for me. I loved Maui, H and I did some great connecting even with the pain, but the memory since is tainted by the pain of the A.
Sigh! I would LOVE to go to NZ. (I knew it is a beautiful place long before LOTR films came out.) Think about this: a trip away with you would mean time away from OM. Get her to give up her cell phone (if it works from NZ), so OM couldn't contact her. Then you would have time ALONE to reinforce to her just how much you mean to each other.
Walls and windows, Adam, walls and windows.
Encouraging fairy hugs,
fairyfriend
PS Hairdressers scare the bejezus out of a LOT of people--even more than teachers do!
New Zealand does sound beautiful. Do you think that you could currently afford a trip there? If you can would you want to go there to have a time where you can be with her for a special time to possibly spark the feelings of love again? That is why I would go. I don't really know how I feel toward my H these days. As you wrote in a post in open board I also wonder how my H could be with me saying that he is/was working on saving our marriage while he was keeping his feelings for her alive by talking to her and even going to her house at one point. But this is about you not me but I am just giving you my thoughts on your situation if my H were to ask me to go on Holiday with him.
What about your seperation how is that going? Is it making it more comfortable for you to have some space to think or is it making it worse? I ask because I have thought a few times of suggesting it to my H but I didn't know how I would feel not knowing what he was doing.
edited because apparently my brain and hands are not connected my brain was thinking New Zealand and my hands typed Australia. DUH! I will just blame it on sleep deprivation!
This message has been edited by Losinghope on Jul 5, 2007 10:44 AM
I remember just a day before my H's confession of his A (for the 2nd time), he - almost hysterically - wanted us to "get away." ANYWHERE - just get away! He wanted us to go to Italy, or drive down south - it really didn't even matter. He said, "Let's get away from here and renew our love!"
His over-the-top insistance really made me stop and think. Now he explains it as his wanting to avoid OW and avoid conflict. I think it's probably similar to the fight or flight situation. He had often spoken about getting away - somewhere far - just prior to D-Day 1...which was why this 2nd request gave me pause. For him, he just wanted to be removed from his "problem" and accountabilities. He didn't want to face the music.
Of course, he eventually did - but not until after another d-day and divorce paperwork in place.
It takes a LOT of courage for a WS to release the grip of an A.
It takes a LOT of courage for a WS to "own" up to his/her actions.
It also takes a LOT of time.
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
I will echo what everyone else said--the choice is yours to make.
My experience was the same as one of the PP--we took a 5 day trip away without kids to the mountains. Yes, there was still pain and memories, but it gave me a chance to be alone in a different setting to get my mind in order without the kids wanting something or the phone ringing, etc. We reconnected on some levels, talked about things here and there, got into a few spats due to triggers and yes, had some fun. It was an investment into our marriage and if nothing else, it was a break from the memories of where I was standing in the house when WS said this or that.
You asked how the separation was going, and the answer is rather mixed I'm afraid. It isn't a permanent separation though (as in we both know it ends tomorrow - just a planned break) and also its not a NC separation - we are in text and phone contact but try to use it sparingly except for an hour or so evening call before bed.
In many was it is remeniscent of some periods while we were dating, like university holidays when we'd be appart for a couple of weeks. I think she genuinely does miss me.
Last night I didn't confront the elephant as such but she upset me with some things she said and so I lashed out back, not out of spite but just with the thoughts on my mind, of what it felt like she was doing to me right at that moment, rather than bringing up the affair, this upset her as well as usually, but unlike usual for some reason this wouldn't come back to stable. I hung up on her because I didn't want to continue the fighting and new that I was just about to break down, but she rang back and I had to answer, only I couldn't speak through the tears. After maybe 15 minutes things made a very strange flip and we actually ended up a LOT closer. We didn't talk about ANYTHING to do with the A.
It might be interesting to note that before the A we almost NEVER argued. The thing I never notice is that if you never argue you never "make up".
For years after we married, my H would tell people that "marriage is easy. We don't have to work at it at all!" I was always uneasy when I heard him tell people that because I felt like marriage NEEDED to be worked at, but I never told him I disagreed. I figured if he were sublimely happy, who was I to tell him otherwise.
Only, guess what? The reason he thought marriage was easy and I didn't was because I KNEW marriage could be extremely hard work, and he didn't. So when circumstances at work and at home took a down turn, he responded by having an A instead of working harder. We had young children--he left me pretty much to care for them and held ME accountable for their behavior--and he had changed jobs to a job where the CEO was nuts and made everyone's life a nightmare.
So, gee, guess what? We almost never argued either! But arguments are healthy (I'm talking about arguments here NOT name calling, fighting, etc.) because they are how we express OUR feelings and opinions and come to acceptable compromises. Post-A this is what we do. Our children tell us that we are "fighting," but we tell them that we are doing what we SHOULD have been doing all along--being responsible for our marriage together.
So instead of seeing conflict as negative, see it as a catalyst for sharing, growing, and taking responsibility.
I am glad you and your W shared with each other.
Encouraging fairy hugs,
fairyfriend
edited for content because I haven't had enough coffee yet!
This message has been edited by fairyfriend on Jul 6, 2007 8:15 AM
