Well, the last week had been going well. We had talked a lot and I thought hings were getting better. WS actually said that, he may love OW, he can't imagine a life without me in it. I restated my terms (I don't play second fiddle, I leave in Sept. if there is even a chance she is coming back) and we have had quite a few good days. We even talked about the future, about his possible transfer after his course is done.
But, there were signs that not are all as they seem. I saw him on MSN next to me on the couch. I saw him writing to one of his friends through the OW and that the friend thought they wer the perfect couple. WS replies that he thinks they will make it. I said nothing, just got up, went to bed and felt numb. I then ate half a bottle of aspirin (I'm here, so it didn't work. That was 6 days ago). I slept, hoping it would all end.
But, nothing happened. WS came to check on me and we started talking. It actually felt like we were a coule again. I thought "maybe he is lieing to her friends," after all, he openly admits that none of them know he is married (he didn't want to complicate thigns. Her family doesn'tknow either).
Well, I went to bed in my own room feeling like we were getting better and glad the pills didn't work. I woke up the next mornign in a sweat, with deafness and ringign in my ears and stomach cramps. WS looked at me and asked if I had washed my face because I was so clammy. When I said no, he offered to drive me to the ER. I refused and said I just wanted to sleep. I wasn't going to admit how stupid I had been after such a wonderful day the day before. I had done this to myself and it was either going to killme or I would survive (it had been 20 hours, so there was nothign to flush out of my system).
So, I writher through the day and evening and until noon the next day. When WS came home, I moved form the couch (with a fan and TV) to my bed. He checked on me a few times but didn't realize/care how bad I was. He just waited for me to come out. He didn't bother to walk the dog or feed the pets. He just sat like a lump.
The next morning, I realized I had not eaten or drank anything in 24 hours and that was bad. I also remembered the dog and got WS to do it before he left (I made his breakfast so he wouldn't be late). By noon, I had the strength to wash up and even do some laundry (the bed stank!) When WS came home, he seemed happy that I was better. But, at the same time, he sitll expected me to cook dinner (I had been home all day, after all).
Yesterday I came back to work and felt 90%. We went to the mall for dinner and so WS could get some prices for a ticket to the Netherlands (where OW is but a trip he has been tlaking about longer than she has been in the picture). He repeatedly apologized for doing this and kept saying he wanted to see the entire country, especially the North (she lives in the South). I was okay with this until he muttered about how broke he was and just left him to wander the mall while he talked to the agent. When I joined him later, more apologies.
He just found out his courses start in Sept. and then Oct., with the Sept. one being a home study. This will be easier for moving out because he will be there to help pack (I hate packing!) and sort out what I will take. Today I want to leave him. Why? He had made a big deal abotu cancelling his Facebook account and setting up another one with an alias. Well, I just checke dout the OW's account (the one she supposedly never uses) and found his name there. This is the first time he has out and out lied to me, somethign he always prided himself on. I sent him an email through the account point blank asking him about it. I almost sent one to the OW to tell her I am living with again, but I know that doing that means the marriage will be gone forever, though at this point I don't know what the difference is.
BTW, I have no plans to tell WS about what I did with the pills. His sister attempted suicide a few years back and weas saved by a broken branch. He had no empathy for her and thought she only did it for attention (she went into the woods in an area nobody goes to, this was not for attetnion). He would see me doing this as a way to manipulate him. For me, I just wanted the pain to stop and to goto sleep and not wake up.
Living with someone who has also attempted suicide (both before A [long time ago] and since) I can only tell you as I do her that no matter the situation it isn't the solution. My heart bleeds for your situation and all I can offer you is big big (((hugs))) and remind you that this board is always here for you!
I'm so sorry for you that you H seems so... useless. I'm lost for good words!
Above all, take care of yourself.
EDIT: Yes I forgot to comment on your title - YOU ARE NOT THE FOOL, HE IS!
This message has been edited by AdamMJG on Jul 6, 2007 10:27 AM
It was weird when I did it. It wasn't that I wanted to die, I just didn't want to keep on living the life I have.
And, the more I think about it, it was probably the first time since I met my WS that I didn't think about him at all. It was freeing - followed by 2 days of he!!, a continuing headache and wondering if my hearing will ever be the same (not that I want sympathy about the physical symptoms. I was stupid enough to do this to myself, and it was extremly stupid and short-sighted to do. Just know that I am owning up to my bad decision and not expecting any sympathy from anyone for how horrible I currently feel physically. Emotionally, though, I can use the support).
Trust me, if it ever crosses my mind again, I will just have to remember how much it hurt to write a line email to work telling them I couldn't come in (I answer the phones, so a call would have been pointless ). It took 45 minutes to write that email, one keystroke at a time. Yup, I don't want to live through that again.
Ijust wish I didn't have to live through this. Is there a door number 3 I can choose?
We so desperately want to believe they have changed, that someone we love would not hurt us so deeply, again. It is not foolish. And it is not your fault.
I know the pain of just wanting the pain to go away. You don't really think of the consequnces, you just want the pain to stop at that moment. Aside from a half baked suiicide attempt, one of the things I used to do daily was take an OTC sleep aid just so I could sleep for 10-15 hours a day and not have to think about it.
First off, let me tell you that NO ONE here will judge you for taking an overdose of aspirin. Hell, I tried to open the car door while the car was moving because I hurt so badly. I don't believe that most of us actually want to die; we just want the pain to end, and it seems that the pain NEVER goes away early on. Oh sure, we may be able to mask it from others to some degree, but we know that it is right below the surface, festering and threatening to spew out at any second.
I AM sorry you feel so awful--physically and emotionally. You did NOT deserve the hell your H has put you through. No BS does.
OK, I am going to play devil's advocate right now. If he is so determined that he wants to be with her, then why NOT admit to her family and friends that he is married? If you split up and he ends up with her, they are bound to find out anyway. Or is he afraid that if her family knew they would try to dissuade OW from being with your H? Just remember that YOU don't owe OW ANYTHING!!! Especially as she knew he is married and still chose to get/stay involved with him.
You are FIGHTING for your marriage. When I was a child (the only girl of five sibs), my daddy used to tell me that there is no such thing as a fair fight. He told me never to start a fight, but if I were in one, win it. Use whatever I needed to use to make up the difference. I say what the heck. If your H is determined to be with OW no matter how hurt you are, then why don't YOU tell her family? What could be the worst that could happen--he kicks you out of the house? Big deal. He is planning to make you vacate so his OW can move back in.
BTW, don't you DARE cook any meals for him. You are his tenant. You are paying him rent. When he starts treating you like his wife again, then you can start acting like his wife again.
I was thinking a lot about your financial plight this morning when suddenly, a possible solution jumped into my mind. Feel free to guffaw out loud at me, but here it is. OK, you were close to your grandmother. That tells me that you likely get along with people of all ages. And because you were close to her, you probably know some of her friends. I was wondering if she had a friend that you could talk to about renting a room in her home. Lots of elderly women don't want to leave their homes, but sometimes can't quite afford to stay in them alone, or become too lonely, or their children worry about them being elderly and alone. I have read that it isn't unusual today for an elderly woman to rent a room to another elderly woman, so that they can split expenses and have company. Would such a situation work for you?
Understand that I have written here because of my sadness over your situation, but I have expressed MY opinions. You must do what you need to do that you feel is the right thing for you to do.
I am sorry your H has such a thick blindfold on. He is pushing away the person who loves him the most. Sigh.
FF - thanks for the idea about my grandmother's friends. But, I followed in her footsteps as she was a career military wife and doesn't have too many friends in any one place. Plus, she just moved into a home where what friends she did have have been moving to for the last year (she says it is wonderful being the young and healthy one for a change!)
As for the not cookign for him - that is where it gets tough for me and I lose backbone. I love to cook and the one thing I hated about renting a room before was I never could (stupid roomates...grumble...never wash dishes...grumble). So, WS is giving me a great deal ($300/month when I can't find anythign for under $500) in exchange for me cooking (He can't. He burns water) He does do the dishes, supposedly, and before this happenned, I would often do them in the morning when I had time. But, I can proudly now say that I work around them and only wash what I need to cook with (even though I find it disgusting. When it gets so there are no clean dishes, I will start but he immediately grumbles about doing them and takes over). We set out who did what when I moved back in and it part of the rent. But, I don't do his laundry, make his bed or clean anything of his.
And I no longer assume I am invited on anything he does, which drives him batty (hee, hee). He wants to go to the zoo this weekend. I asked if I can come along too. He got prickly about it and asked why I had to ask, of course I was included in his plans. I just pointed out that I don't assume that anymore, ditto for paying my own way (a pet peeve of his before things got bad was that I never carried my wallet. At that time, we had a shared account - not anymore - and I figured what was the use of 2 of us carrying the cards. Turned out he didn't like the pressure. Now I am always ready to pay my way and i have been surprised at how often he tells me I don't have to. And that was why I thought things were getting better)
But, I am drawing lines, it is just hard because the only consequences I have are me turning my back on him. Atleast I know not to threaten consequence sunless I am prepared to follow through.
It will be interesting to see his reaction when he picks up his mail in 10 minutes time (I can tell when he turns on his computer via MSN) and sees I know about his Facebook. I have decided that, if he wants to fight me, I am emailing everyone one of OW's friends listed and telling them that she is dating a married man and maybe clarifying the situation with the OW (does she even know I am living in the condo again?). But, if he apologizes and grovels enough, maybe I won't.
You are not a fool. You are a good hearted person thats why you are here. He is the fool and someday he's going to know that.
All of us that have found ourselves here feel like fools but we are not, they are they have cheated themselves out of the devotion and commitment and the incredible amount of love we could have given them for a lifetime.
Someday that lightbulb will go on in their head and they will realize all the love and sweetness of life they have missed.
In the meantime we have to survive and be happy with ourselves because WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE.
Current Topic - I am a fool for thinking he had changed
). It took 45 minutes to write that email, one keystroke at a time. Yup, I don't want to live through that again.