I am now d-day + 3 weeks. I haven't done a lot of posting lately but I read this forum every day and try to gain some perspective from others experiences. Last night I attended a close friend's wedding...by myself...which was hard to do but I felt strength in the end for being there.
Over the past week, my H and I have been having a lot of deep, truthful conversations. I am frustrated that he took off and left (I feel like he dumped this on me and packed a bag!) but have to give him credit for staying with his parents -- which he calls a "safe place" -- and that we have been going to MC and talking everyday. I can't remember the last time that we had such truthful and open talks -- it has given me hope that this is the start to some new chapter in our lives and M.
But then I went to this wedding last night. As I sat there without my H by my side and listened to vows being exchanged, I started feeling the RAGE again. "Honor, cherish, respect..." I saw two people with love and tears in their eyes repeat these vows.. the JP asked very sternly if they understood the binding nature of marriage and what it meant... It made me feel outraged at my H. That we exchanged these vows almost 6 years ago (not too long ago!!!) and here we were, him taking off during his lunch hours to be with this OW and being able to come home and face me every night. Obviously those vows did not leave a lasting impression on his mind.
So, my question...is this what marriage is all about? I mean, 60% of marriages end in divorce, so should we take those vows with a grain of salt and have an understanding that marriage will be the hardest thing you will ever have to work on? Do I fight for a man who could treat me so disrespectfully for the sake of our M or do I walk away with my head held high and just hope that there is someone else out there for me?? I guess I'm trying to have a better understanding of the REALITY of marriage. Is this what all couples will have to face eventually? Any opinions??
Hey, Ka! I'm kind of short on time this morning, but I was very taken with your thread, because though my H's A lasted 3 years, as it turned out there was deception and omission occurring even while we were engaged 15 years ago. I have definitely had to look at the marriage definition. And I've asked my H what "marriage" means to him. Sadly, he really hates questions like this because he feels it pigeonholes him into a place where he can (a) talk about what he/one would hope it would be and then he's stuck in the position of having failed to uphold what he committed to; or (b) he can talk about what he lived, which puts him in the same bind - - someone who did a lousy job of being married.
In the end, we had different definitions. Or maybe its better said, we came into our married life with different abilities and willingness to work with/for each other. I came into our marriage with my own baggage, but was invested 100% and fully committed. My H came in with his baggage (sizeable!!) and had been taught over the years that no one is trustworthy. The only way to survive in a relationship is to do the best you can openly to make someone happy, and hide your own ways of being happy in the shadows where hopefully no one will see that part.
We're trying now to redefine Marriage on a going forward basis and truly trying to be clear about where each of us are. And from there, we have to see how that works or doesn't work for the other to try and finetune what we want this to be. In the past, there was just the assumption that we were 2 parts of a whole. That sure didn't work! BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
I have been wondering the same things lately. I often think wouldn't it be easier to just walk away. I have 3 boys the oldest 9 (he would hate me for leaving his father) and I need to think about what is best for them. My H seems sincere about working on the problems in our marriage and right now I think that it would be a positive experience for my kids to see that even when the going gets rough that it is not time to throw the towel in but to throw as much as you have into it and fight like he!! for what you want.
I also have read many books and articles on divorce, surviving infidelity and many other things and I seem to have found a common theme on most that the problems that you have in your marriage that lead to the infidelity(I am not saying that hte BS is responcible in any way for the WS's actions but in my own marriage our inability to trust each other enough to communicate our feelings lead us down the road to where we are now) will follow you into future relationships which may not lead to infidelity but will cause some unhappiness. My H and I know what our main problem was what lead us to start walking in different directions which made him vunerable to the flattering attention of the OW, and we have talked and realize that before we can honestly throw in the towel we need to put time and effort into trying to work on those problems.
That sounded so right in my head but I hope you can sort through my jumbled words and see what I am trying to say. I personally think that it is way too easy to get married and divorced these days. When the first couple that we knew got divorced my H and I talked about how they didn't seek mc they didn't really seem to want to try to save the marriage and they had a 1 year old and a 3 year old. My parents got divorced when I was less than a year old and my H's parents got D when he was just over a year so we both have always said that we didn't want our kids to grow up in a broken home and we have both made mistakes that almost caused that but now we are here trying to stick with what we said we wanted for our children.
Marriage shouldn't be taken with a grain of salt...Society, Hollywood...books have made marriage out to be...Not happy leave...not working on the relationship. The concept of working on a relationship is not taught or shown to us
My H cheated because 1. didn't think I would ever find out...2 insecurity, 3. addictive behavior,
4. made him feel good to have other (lots) women want him 5. the long term A...was about feeling needed and the feedback that he was Mr. Wonderful...the list can go on
I think that all relationships need lots of TLC...and that TLC gets misplaced at times...babies, afterschool activities, 2 income families...no time together because they are always playing catch-up..with house work, laundry...etc.. communication is about the children and activities...we are also so good at tuning out our S's...we are not reading between the lines to see that they are hurting...and if we do they are not communicating with us .
Do we walk away ? tough call...that is our decision... at times so easy to walk, ..so hard to stay and have to work on the problems caused by the A...hard to look inside ourselves and begin to heal, and working thru the whole mess caused by the A..
I am still a believer in relationships if the parties are working for the common good of their relationship...this is where the actions are loud and clear...the rest is a bit muddled up for me...there are so many variables to be looked at, examined and delt with.
just my thoughts,
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
Thanks for your different perspectives -- my H and I married young and never had that talk...what marriage meant to each of us. Unfortunately, it took this A to make us start having that discussion.
I saw my IC yesterday and felt justified that at least I was doing the right thing -- for me, that's not walking away from my M too quickly. I don't want a D, I want to understand, figure this out, communicate with my H...and at least give us the CHANCE to see if we can make it. That is what is good for ME right now.
For my H, that is a different story. Did anyone experience a H that was VERY remorseful but VERY hesitant about moving forward together?? My H acts like he still cares but has said on more than one occasion that he feels like he already has both feet out the door, ready to leave our M. That has been the hardest for me. An A and an ambivalent H. How did anyone deal with both?!?
