Well, this weekend was good, which is what I needed. We spent the day hanging out on Saturday and talking about the future - about what will happen when is on course (since he just got his course dates Friday) and his trip this summer to Europe (he emphasized that he would be going even if OW wasn't there - he has never travelled before and says he wants to do it just once. He says he may go to Paris or visit a friend in Germany. I travelled before I got married and totally understand. Still don't like it, but understand. He has taken out a small loan to pay for it and has said he will never again get on my case about the debt I have from before we were married and I am paying off). He keeps acting like I won't be leaving and yet he understands I will leave if he gets involved with OW again (like Adam, I can't insist on NC, but at least it is only via email).

On Sunday we went to the zoo, which meant 4 hours each way by car and 4 hours wandering around, looking at monkeys. He invited me to do it and paid for it, saying that he didn't want my only memory of this summer being of him abandoning me (presumably for his trip to Europe but...) It was just like old times. We talked about everything and nothing. I felt like I was with a friend and truly enjoyed myself.

We also had two small disagreements, which is huge because, before, we never fought! We disagreed and then moved on. The first time it happened, over me picking up a movie he didn't like, I just walked away and kept reminding myself that at least we are fighting, not just shutting up and letting it simmer. Plus, it didn't ruin the night, a first for us. This is progress.

But, by Sunday evening, his selfish side started showing through. My mom has been trying to find out if we can come out for Christmas - she would supply the tickets. I have been putting off giving a decision because I might be back in Alberta anyway and it would be waste of airmiles. Luckily, WS's job is unpredictable enough that I have an excuse without spilling the beans (because I couldn't say we were having problems without bring up the OW and, if we patch it up, I don’t know if my family could forgive him). So, I was able to buy another month but, when I mentioned it to WS, he said he didn't want to spend Christmas with family anyway, since he has only 2 weeks in the middle of an intensive course.

Now, he knows how much I miss my family and we have spent the last 3 Christmases with extended family of his (he has cousins near all the places we have been posted). I understand wanting a break over the holiday, but I wasn't about to agree to 2 weeks out west anyway, but is 1 week to make your BS happy too much to ask? He says I am free to go alone, and I never doubted that, but I know he has no family or friends here and he would be alone over the holiday (big guilt for me) and I resent having to spend the holiday without my husband for reasons that are not job related! Plus, part of me wonders if he would feel the same way if a ticket to the Netherlands was suddenly available (I know he has an invitation because he told me about it when we talked about being separated over the holidays. And an invite from a male friend out of town who has been divorced)

Add to that the fact that I tried to be affectionate with him after that (he always complained about me never initiating things and felt warmth to him after this weekend) and he never responded, instead kept working on the computer, and I went to bed ticked off. He asked me if I was okay and I told him I was tired because I didn't want to deal with it and ruin the weekend.

Now, I have had time to think and put my finger on what is wrong. I think tonight I will confront him about his selfishness (if I can find my backbone ). I want to ask him if, after the he!! He has put me through this year, if it too much to ask for him to spend a few days with my family at Christmas because it would make me family. I want to know if he would feel differently if the OW offered to pay for him to see her for the holidays. I want to know if the weekend was a fun delusion (did he mean abandoning me completely or am I reading too much into it?) or the start of something real.

Now, add to this mix the fact that my mom is here this week for meetings. WS has offered to wear his wedding ring so she doesn't know what is going on (that's a good sign, right? It means he still wants this to work, right?) and make sure the house looks like we are not sleeping in different rooms. He knows about the pressure my Mom puts on me (he is the only one who has ever stood up to her on my behalf. She is probably the reason I hate confrontation and have no spine - it is just easier to give her what she wants). Maybe a week of wearing the ring will trigger something in him, but I doubt it. But, it will make me happy because I miss my ring and the fact that it symbolizes that someone out there loves me. I haven't worn it since the A and I miss the comfort that it brang.


Chinook




edited to remove your full name and e-mail address...wasn't sure you wanted it there
Pat

Oh Chinook,

It sounds like you had a mixed weekend. I can understand why you feel frustrated.

Fair is fair. If you have spent all the previous Christmases together with HIS family, then it is only fair that you have a chance to visit YOUR family. If it won't agree, then what does his refusal tell you about him?

I can certainly understand your missing wearing your wedding ring, but honestly, you are not the one who cheated, so if YOU want to wear your ring as a symbol of what your marriage means/meant to you, why don't you?

As far as your mom goes, I was wondering if you have ever told her calmly and gently that you feel intimidated by her. Maybe, just maybe, she will be surprised that you feel this way, and the two of you could have an honest discussion. (I guess I am feeling optomistic this morning. )

Anyway, I am sorry you are hurting. I can imagine that part of the weekend made you feel like you had dreamed he was involved with OW because you felt so good being with YOUR H.

Sigh! I'm sorry my magic wand's powers don't extend across the border.

Huge encouraging fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

Chinook
I agree with FF that if you have spent the last few holidays with his family that fair is fair and it is you family's turn to have you this year. As a former WS I can understand how your H is uncomfortable just thinking about being around your family at this very hard time in your marriage. Does he know that you have not told them what is going on? It seems like if you tell him how much it would mean to you to be together with him during the holiday while visiting your family that if he is sincere about making things right with you that he would go for you.
Good luck
Kelly

Kelly, WS does know I haven't told them and knows why (he is very sympathetic when it comes to my family)

As for talking to him, I plan on doing that tonight (and being blamed for ruining a "perfectly good evening". He does not like tlakign about problems). I now have it clear inmy head my motives and how I feel. Hoepfull I can it without tears.

Chinook

Chinook

Good luck keeping your resolve to talk to him tonight without tears. That is how I have always felt when I had to talk to my H in the past. I really feel like I can talk to him now and he might not like what I have to say but we can still have a productive talk.

Oh I wish your H could see what my H finally saw, that his OW wasn't the person he thought she was and realized that even after the he!! that he put me through that I was still standing beside him encouraging him to trust me enough to confide in me. That was the turning point in our marriage and it happened only a week ago but it made us realize what we weren't doing for years.

((((Chinook)))))))
sending you hugs to get you through the hard conversation you will have tonight. I hope it is a productive one. Keep your chin up.

Kelly

First of all some big hugs of encouragement!

Sounds like a mixed weekend certainly. I'd be careful about reading the wedding band and tidy house thing too positively - it is probably more likely to be to appease his guilt, he won't want to reveal what a total sh%t he is to your mum, so he's bound to go along with hiding it. Hiding the A is what he's good at remember!

On the other hand I would try not to take the lack of response to intimacy to hard. Intimacy is only reappearing VERY VERY (PAINFULLY) slowly (just short of a month until a "proper" kiss, hugs are fairly common now though), which totally confused me, but there are a couple of threads (one i started) which give a few other more comforting and rational reasons why the WS might have trouble with intimacy - mostly guilt.

I think you do have to try to be assertive, but coming from me I know how hard that can be. You mentioned a course? You need to assess how much of not going to your parents is "need" and how much is "want". For example if he really does need those two weeks for study, then clearly him being on his own for two weeks would be good for him as there are less distractions. Of course if he was intending on doing something ELSE then he should go to your parents. I.e. if you weren't going to your parents, what would you be doing? If he would be in the study all holiday then I would say fair enough. On the other hand it doesn't sound like thats the case. (I've been holding off bringing up the A because for my WS it really is the case that she cannot spare the time, and she is spending long hours studying).

Whatever you decide, I hope it goes well and here lots of [[[big hugs]]]