I am new to all of this, and unfortunately not excited to be a part of this club!My husband had an emotional affair with a previous girlfriend he had before he met me. I fnd no evidence of a physical affair and the OW lives out of state. It consisted of 2 phone calls and mainly emails over a 2 month period while I was 9 months pregnant. I found out 2 days prior to giving birth to my son. This was 6 months ago and I don't feel any futher along w/getting over it. He immediately broke off contact and has multiple times expressed remorse and has listened to my feelings. My fear is that she was the love of his life and I am just a close second, although he denies this. I have a great job and can support myself and I have multiple times told him he doesn't need to stay because of the kids. He keeps telling me that he is where he wants to be. I keep having flashbacks to the horrible things he said to me when I found out. He can't tell me why except that he was angry at me at that time. I do know that he changed dramatically after I got pregnant; although now he is back to his "normal" self. He was great in the delievery room and since has been an excellant dad and husband. I don't know why I can't get over it???
Dear Heather, Welcome. Like you, this is not a club I thought I'd ever be a part of, and can't honestly say that I "enjoy" it. However, it has been an amazing resource of information and a wellspring of support. I am incredibly grateful for this site. I hope that we can help you as you struggle to find your path out of your personal crisis.
I am so sorry for the pain that you're experiencing. Whether or not your H betrayed you physically or emotionally, he betrayed you. There is something so vile in doing this during a time when you were physically and emotionally vulnerable. Pregnancy is not just a physical condition; it should be a life journey that one walks with one's spouse...where you can depend on each other...for the two of you are making the ultimate investment in yourselves, your relationship and in the life of an additional human being. It makes perfect sense to me that despite there being no evidence of a PA, you are having difficulty "getting over it".
Its good to hear that he is being remorseful, and that he was very much there for you in the delivery room. I'm wondering what else he is doing. Are you two in counseling? Is he in individual counseling (IC)? Without him probing deeper into why he became different while you were pregnant, what personal challenges that made him face, and why he chose to solve those issues outside of his relationship with you, this is not something that is just going to go away.
It is typical of a WS to blame their betrayal on a spouse (though that behavior masks something missing inside the WS - - an A is NEVER the fault of a BS). But again, it is not rational to try and solve their issue by going outside the marriage.
Its unfortunate that your H responded with anger when you confronted him. Its not an uncommon reaction from what I've heard, but is an extra part of this situation that will need to be examined by both of you and healed from.
Your post didn't really speak to how many emails there were, what their content was and what he said to you when you found out. I know for me, it took a while to reveal the bulk of the horrible pieces of the situation with my H on this forum. There are further parts that I still keep locked away, so I understand if you're not ready to disclose more than you have. But some pieces can give a clearer understanding of the pain you're dealing with. There is very little that the HH family hasn't heard at this point and we will always be a safe place to vent.
For now, know that this is a place of understanding and comfort, and information...and advice to take or not take, as you see fit. I am always pained to see a new person join in, but relieved that they have at least found an avenue of empathy.
Congratulations, in the meantime, on the birth of your child. I hope that you and your new little one are doing well physically. You're probably feeling a bit tapped on a number of levels, so please make sure you're taking care of yourself with what sleep you can get, good nutrition, vitamins, etc. Its a tough enough process without the stress of betrayal trauma making its mark.
You have found a safe haven in your sea of pain. Blue Iris gave you some excellent suggestions. If you haven't found Peggy Vaughan's site, dearpeggy.com, please go there and read, read, read. She was a BS many years ago and has worked hard to help the rest of us. In addition, if you haven't read Shirley Glass' book "Not JUST Friends" and Janis Abrahms Spring's book "After the Affair," I strong recommend you read them.
It may not be much consolation to you, but so many of the WS behaviors are universal to WS, so pretty much any scenario you might write about, some or many of us have been through. Please keep in mind that regardless of any problems your marriage may have had, the decision to have an A was 100% your H's. And remember that the A was ALL about him, and NOT about you at all. Nothing you said or did made him have an A.
He needs to look inside himself to figure out how he could give himself permission to have an A.
I discovered the emails when he forgot to log off his computer one day. The emails mainly consisted of small talk but they did talk about her being pretty,etc. She had sent a picture of herself to him by email. They also talked about him being depressed and unhappy about the pending pregnancy. There was maybe 15 emails over 2 months. Unfortunately, I didn't get to look through all of them. I did email the OW back and let her know that I was pregnant and that we had a 3 year old son, I thought she should know who's life she was screwing up. She emailed me back apologizing and blaming the whole thing on herself. I realize it was both of them as he took the time to locate her. I can't believe he would do this to me, especially when I was carrying his child. He tells me that he feels guilty every time he looks at our son. He didn't just betray me he betrayed his sons as well.
We had went to MC prior to the affair and I had thought that was helping him deal w/the pregnancy, but obviously not! We need to go to MC.
Can someone get that angry at someone about a pregnancy that they cheat?
I have no one really to talk to about this as I don't want to tell my parents/friends as I am embarrassed. My husband's mom knows because I told her and she has supported me but don't feel comfortable talking to her all the time about it.
I appreciate anyones thoughts....
I have read in several publications that a H's cheating during his wife's pregnancy isn't that uncommon.
My H didn't cheat while I was pregnant, but he was very emotionally needy, (unbeknownst to me, as he never realized or admitted just how screwed up HIS family was), so before we had kids, I was able to meet his emotional needs, but after our daughters were born, he was no longer getting his (HUGE) emotional needs met by me, felt resentful of the time I spent on them (Duh!), didn't get nearly as involved in parenting as both he and the girls needed him to, and as a result pulled away from me and our marriage over time.
When our daughters were 6 and 9 is when his A started.
Your H needs to ask himself WHY he gave himself permission to cheat AT ALL; that is really more important than asking himself why during your pregnancy. I would guess that he felt neglected (even if he really wasn't!) and not the center of the universe.
You will find that in almost every case of A, the WS has low self-esteem, may be depressed, often feels entitled, acts in an immature and selfish way, and just does NOT think.
Yes, betrayal hurts more than words can express, but you are not alone. We understand. It is hard to tell others even though you may feel the need. People who have no experience think and say very hurtful things to the BS; they often blame US, saying that WE must have been lacking, or the marriage was missing something, or the WS wouldn't have strayed. Well, they are right on that point. The marriage WAS missing something--the WS and his/her commitment to the BS and the marriage.
Hang in there, and come here for support, advice, just to vent whenever you need to.
