Today is 6 months to the day. I don’t know if I want to smile because we are still together and I made it this far and cry because it’s been six months and I am still in so much pain and so bothered by this whole ordeal. So many emotions.
I am so sorry for your pain. I know how horrible the dates can be. I remember my 5 month date because we got into a rather large fight and I reminded him of what date it was. Unfortunately it may be 7 1/2 months from D-Day 1 for me but only 2 weeks from D-Day 3 where the OW called me and asked that I tell my H to not call her again.
So on the positive side at least you are 6 months into this with out many relapses. I know your pain is still very strong and all I can recommend is to take it one day at a time and to take care of you. And offer the hope that one day your pain will fade.
Sorry you are still in so much pain. Emotions were very mixed for me at 6 month point. You've asked how I coped which I responded on your other thread. Not sure if you still follow that one so here it goes again. Sorry for the repetition if you've already read it.
"My family just came back from a weekend camping trip (building new memories).
Coping was hard but eventually got easier. I can honestly tell you at 5/6 months I was not coping well at all. At times I just told my kids to play in the backyard while I crawled into bed to cry. WH and I talked A LOT and fought quite often. I read a lot of books and on HH.
Now I don’t feel like I am coping anymore. H and I are able to talk about A in perspective and reflect on how we handled the whole mess. Triggers are still present but they don’t hurt as much.
Thinking back there were several things that helped:
We talked and talked and talked. My H was/is not a big talker but he was there every time I vented or had questions for him. He said I analyzed the affair to death. But that’s how I processed it.
Among all, coping with H working with OW was the hardest since he worked/works very closely with OW.
“ I really have to take it day by day and somehow I get through it but it's torture. I hate every second of it and can't wait for the day she gets another job. “ I can soooo relate to it.
Keeping a journal helped me tremendously. It was a great emotional outlet. For what I did not want to scream to my H in his face, I wrote it down and let my emotion out. (As much as I agree with Ami that we need to bleed, we can only bleed so much onto our spouse without causing permanent scars.) The journal especially helped when I had moments of rage and bad images and doubt thinking about H with OW side by side. As for the images, one day I just told OW in the movie to "go away. don't take up any of my time anymore".
Very early on I knew I had a choice. I knew I did not have to stay with my H. 3 days after d-day I made plan of making sure I would be able to have an independent life without him. I put the finance together and made sure my kids’ schooling or other routines would not be disturbed even if we got a divorce. I never had to put that plan in use but it allowed me to be sure that I stayed with him because of love, not because of necessity.
Another thinking that helped me was I tried to mentally list my H’s good qualities when I had bad moments. He is a good father and has many other nice qualities. I don’t know if it makes sense, I would tell myself while he was bad in some areas, he was good in others. I read a lot on affair recovery. I would tell myself if my H and I could have many many years of good marriage, 2 years of recovery was perhaps bearable. (But it was easier said than done. We went through hell!!!)
I selectively told friends and family. Every situation is different. I remember you mentioned you have not told family but it would not work for me. I told my brother but not my parents, and a few close friends. H told his family. It was a great relief for me to be able to talk to other people in the open. The secrecy suffocated me. I also got different perspectives talking to different people. I was amazed that many of my friends’ lives were touched by affairs. My close friend reviewed to me she was OW many years ago and talked about how it affected her and her self-image. She regretted all these years.
Action of my H helped. H was consistent and kept all his promises after he came out of the fog. He was instrumental in planning new memories. They might be small distractions: suggesting new things to do, exercise together, going for walks. One big new memory for us was we put our house on the market and looked for a new place to live. It kept me busy for months. We had to plan things together so our talks were not always affair saturated. I know you bought new rings. It’s a very nice new memory . Maybe take a class together. Pick up a new interest together. Having some common topics to talk about other than the affair.
It was tough. I remember I just wanted to just go to sleep and hoped that when I woke up everything would go away. It did not. But I am still here and my marriage is actually getting better. I hope it gets more bearable and better for you!!!!"
I did get your response on my other post but I read this one again. Thank you for your reply, it helped more than you know. It's nice to hear about positive outcomes and it gives you hope hearing that people that’s been through the same thing are doing better and made it. I too love my W and want to make my marriage work so it's encouraging to hear that you can make it work even if it feels like the opposite sometimes.
Hart,
As many here have told me, 6 months is very early in the process of healing. I am coming up on 2 years and still have bad moments, hours or sometimes even days. The pain is slowly being replaced by anger and regret, neither of which feels good but it is better than that stabbing sick in your gut feeling of being betrayed. At six months, I was still crying every day and just about everything reminded me of what had been stomped on.
It sounds though that you are making great progress, that your W is remorseful, that she is doing what she can to make things better, that you are communicating....all good. The one thing that WS cannot do that would make it all better is to make it all go away, to undo what's been done.
And, we all know that is impossible so we just have to walk through it but now, with our eyes open and respect for ourselves leading the way.
