I just found out yesterday, that my husband has been having an emotional affair with one of his son's friend's mom. He has been calling her between 6 and 10 times a day. He called her before we left for a family weekend outing. He called her 4 times while we were on the outing. I gave him a gift of a Zoom whitening for his birthday, and he called her first when the procedure was over!!! HER FIRST!!!! Not me to thank me!!!!! And he is telling me that they are "just friends" and that he doesn't know why he called her all those times. For seven months now, unknown to me, he has been calling this woman every day, without exception. Most days at least 4 times a day. Now, instead of trying to help me get over this, he is feeling sorry for himself and wants me to make HIM feel better!!!!!! WHAT!!!!! What about me!!!!!!! I am totally devastated!!!!!!!! I have been living with this man and his (not ours) 4 boys for 6 1/2 years now. FOUR BOYS!!!!! We have been married for only 1 1/2 years now. I always felt completely loved and completely happy. I had no idea whatsoever that this was going on!!! NONE!!! I am totally crushed. His children spent mother's day with me and while I was with HIS CHILDREN, he called this other woman 5 times that day. I don't know what to do!! He won't answer any questions that I ask with anything other than "I don't know". I am so very sad right now. I don't know how I'm going to get over this!!!!!! Please Help Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so, so sorry for the pain you feel. Reading your post brought back all the raw pain I felt too. The only thing that I can say is that everyone here understands the pain you are feeling. I am at a loss of words at the moment, but I know that there are many wonderful people here that can help with their words. I do know that you will be riding the rollarcoaster of emotions for months to come. So hold on tight and just know that what you feel will be normal. Take it a moment at a time because that is really all one can do.

((((hugs))))
Jetta

Kim,

Welcome to HH. I am sorry you need to be here.

Your feelings are very normal. You are dealing with a man who has been having what is called an emotional affair (EA). It is just as devastating as a physical affair because of the lies, the feelings, etc.

I strongly suggest that you read Shirley Glass' book "Not JUST Friends." It is an excellent book that discusses the whole concept of crossing boundaries from acceptable friendship to affairs.

Please remember that regardless of what he says or does, the choice to have an A is 100% his. It is ALL about him, and not about you AT ALL!

Does the OW husband know what has been going on? If not, IMO, he deserves to know because, like you, he is a BS.

Affairs thrive in secrecy. When they are brought out in the bright light of reality, they tend to shrivel away because they are just fantasies.

Do not be surprised if the story of the A that your H tells you changes over time because it very often does as the WS comes further out of the A fog.

I am sorry you are hurting. Please come here to vent, get support, cry, scream, whatever you need whenever you need. We understand what you are going through.

Gentle fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

Dear Kim, I want to add my welcome, too. I am very sorry that life has thrown you this horrible curveball, but I'm glad that you are here. Betrayal rocks every sense of reality we have been living. It is of supreme comfort to hear we're not alone, there are people who have survived this, and there are ways you can cope, and you have a safe place here to ask questions, vent, feel, share and learn.

My story in a brief nutshell is of an idyllic marriage that everyone (including H and I) ooh'ed and ahh'ed over. What I didn't know is that my H came into the M with a secret addiction to porn. The addiction was in part something he would access when he was stressed and felt pushed away. That addiction became much more pronounced over time and began to include contacting people online and over the phone. Eventually, this was not enough and the addiction escalated to contacting an old friend from college (who today I choose to call "SOW" - Slut of the World - because we're not even sure how many A's she's had during the course of her M, and was already lining up a new guy prior to our DDay!). In any event, my H's A lasted 3 years.

What stands out for me with your post is this very same behavior of constantly, constantly needing to be in contact with OW. When we were on family vacations, he would need to contact her via email to let her know what we'd done that day. When we were at my parents' home celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, he used my parents computer to stay in touch with her. While we were there and the kids and I got the flu, while we were puking and/or sleeping, he was staying in touch with her. When I had a hysterectomy, he sat in my recovery room with his Treo in hand, watching me in the hospital bed and chatting with her online. I was oblivious to all of this until I found evidence in his briefcase of an almost complete doublelife going on. I now have access to the email account they used during those 3 years. There are 4700 emails there, Kim. I can't begin to tell you how much I understand what you're going through with this, except that my H jumped way into the physical side of the A, as well as the emotional side.

There is an addictive nature of this need to stay in touch so constantly. I'm just "meeting" you today. I don't know you. I don't know your H. But there are questions beyond your relationship with him that it would be wise for you to look at and ponder. Have you seen any other addictive sides to him? Gambling? Alcohol? Computer games?

My H also has OCD and we feel very much that this contributed to the obsessive need he had to stay in touch with OW. There are other factors that stretch back to emotional abuse in his childhood home that absolutely affected how my H deals with women and stress.

I'm hoping that your H will stop downplaying the severity of what he was doing. He needs to understand what compelled him, and why/how he was able to justify constantly being in inappropriate emotional contact and confiding with someone outside the marriage. That is not o.k. Something deeper is going on inside him that he needs to discover and address.

You need to know this is not about you. None of this is your fault. Though the relationship dynamic that the two of you have may have given him an emotional landscape he was familiar (and uncomfortable) with, you did nothing wrong.

I've babbled on a bit too much, so excuse me for that. I very much understand what you're feeling and am deeply sorry that another poor sweet soul has this agony in their life through no fault of their own. BlueIris

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

Thanks for the kind words. I just want to go to sleep and wake up with this all behind me.

I've been reading alot of posts. It looks like this is going to be VERY difficult.

My family, his children, and even his friends are all surprised!! It's been a secret for so long. No one would have guessed.

I've ordered the book "Not JUST Friends" per your advice and I will receive it tomorrow. I've also made an appointment for MC already. I don't know if he is willing to attend with me or not, but I need to talk with someone right away, before I get too down on myself. I need to move forward as soon as possible.

I need to heal!!!! I am hurting soooooo badly right now!!!!!!! I can't eat, I can't sleep, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to talk to anyone, I'm just so very sad. I want to hurt him so badly, but at the same time, I want him to hold me and tell me that he loves me with all of his heart!!!!!!!!!!!

He has apologized, but can't give any explanations and doesn't seem to remember calling so much!!!!! I"M NOT STUPID!!!!!!!!!! I just want to know why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so glad this forum exists. I am in a new area of the country and really don't have any close friends to vent to.

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

I can totally relate to your post. I just found out 3 weeks ago that my H was having an A. He had been acting strangely for over two months but told me that he was having a "life crisis" after turning 30, that he had to "find himself." I believed him. When I found out about the A, I went online and checked the cell phone bill. Calls after calls to this OW. I was so shocked! The same thing as you - 5-10 times a day - it was unbelievable. You can actually see where I called in for call waiting, he talked to me for a few minutes, and then went back to talking to the OW!!!

I was so heartbroken, devastated, and angry. But, I can honestly say, that even though it has only been 3 weeks, I am feeling better - not good, not great - but better. I am finally starting to sleep and eat again, breathe again!

I am now focused on finding out what was behind my H's A...and it took about 2 weeks before he started talking to me without coldness or being defensive... so hopefully for you, time will bring you some peace and understanding. I know that I still have a LONG road ahead of me but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone!!

I too found out that my husband was having an emotional affair. His was w/his ex-girlfriend. It occurred while I was pregnant. I had no idea as well and I think 6 months later I still remain in shock. I am new to this site and saddened that so many people have to suffer. However, it is a comfort, which it should be to you that others are dealing with the same thing. My best to you during this difficult time.

Kim

so sorry for your pain. An emotional A is so painful, just as painful as a sexual A. But your H might not see it that way. men as more sex based than women, in some mens minds if he didn't have sex with her then it wasn't an A. You need to get him into counseling and/or get him reading to realize that the emotional bond he had with this woman is just as hurtful to you as a sexual relationship would have been.

The Mother's Day calls you mentioned brought back a memory for me that just killed me when I found out. H always makes me Mother's Day breakfast with our 3 kids. the Mother's day he was having an affair, while he was making breakfast for me with the kids and letting me sleep late, he had to slip out to call her. She isn't even a mother, by choice, she didn't want kids! But it is a hard day for her because her mother and she always argue because her mother wants grandkids. To fing bad on OW. That really hurt that he HAD to call her on my day, not to mention that he also called her on my birthday.

It is not any easy road to go down, but you will make it through. take care of yourself right now, eat, sleep, excersize.

(((HUGS)))
Lisa

I'm so sorry you are feeling this pain. I know exactly what you are going through. I think that looking over my husband's cell phone bill hurt more than anything else. My husband was having a (mostly) emotional affair with one woman (with limited physical intimacy), and he talked to her 8-10 times/day, seven days a week. At the same time, he was having some kind of "addictive" phone relationship with a woman in another state whom he had known for years. He talked to her even more frequently. But if I called him, I got the bum's rush off the phone (same deal as someone mentioned -- I'd click in on call waiting and he'd return to the original call).

These calls happened when we were at important events for our daughter (she won a Jr. Olympic championship and he was on the phone telling the other women instead of celebrating with me or our daughter), holidays, including Mother's Day (woman #1 is single and childless, but had lost her mother recently -- but so did I!)

He'd tell me he forgot something in his car and he'd go call. He'd say he had to stop at his office, go to the store, etc., etc. so he could call. You would NEVER see him without his cell phone to his ear. I truly believe it was an addiction. When I finally accessed his phone records, I printed them out and highlighted all the calls. His face turned white. I think he was truly shocked. And I don't think he has an explanation to this day (or it changes, as others have said).

So maybe your husband really doesn't know why he did this or even realize that he did. Best of luck with this journey. It's a tough one.

P.S. I wanted to add that "NOT Just Friends" is a wonderful, helpful book that you AND your husband should read.

Wow...it is so sad to know that this seems to be all too familiar for so many. I am so sorry for all of your situations. It is truly devastating!

I am feeling a little better after we (yes, he agreed to go) attended MC for the first time. Basically everything I had already told him about how I feel was repeated by the counselor to my H. I'm NOT crazy!!!

We are trying very hard to get through this. I feel angry and sad, and he seems to be feeling very guilty and sorry, and even sad. I just hope that we can eventually get through this!!

I'm so glad I found you guys.

Thank you again, so much for sharing your experiences. It's a little reassuring (although very sad) to know that I'm not the only one to have this totally devastating experience.

My experience was similar to Lynda M. My husband called this OW (an old college girlfriend) up to 4 times a day, including during our son's 2nd birthday party. When I showed him the bill, he was just as shocked. I truly believe he didn't realize how it had progressed.

He has ended the EA, but we are still in the early stages of the aftermath. I never knew I could know such pain.

Edited to add:

My husband is going through the "I don't knows", too, and from what I read here, this is very typical. I try to remember this is as traumatic for him as me, but it's hard having any sympathy. It's hard when the one person you NEED reassurance from cannot give it to you. I know. I am going through it, too, with one two-year-old son who is the light of my life.