I've made the phrase up on the spot to try describe what I mean, but I think that a big problem in my M is that my W has emotional priority. That is to say that suppose we are BOTH upset, then it is me that will put my emotions on hold to comfort her. This means that she is only there for me when she is ok.
This even goes as far as to the extent that finding me upset will trigger her to be upset, and then I have to comfort her. This includes examples such as because I am upset with her, she will break down an decide that it means I don't love her which forces me to reassure her - when it should have been the other way round.
This is clearly ideal material for MC, but I wondered if anyone here had any advice on how you break this situation?
Same dynamic in my M. My H's needs always trumped mine and he had major needs - many of which led to the A's.
I can't believe how I made myself subservient to his needs. He would even tell me about how he sometimes felt the need to start over and have more children with another woman. And, I actually comforted him, told him he was going through a mid-life crisis, that we would get through it together.....he was in fact living another life with a girl half his age. I still want to scream with rage when I think of all that.
And, even in A recovery, his needs continue to trump mine. He is an alcoholic, though he has been sober since a week after D Day. And, I have felt that I have to tiptoe around that issue so that he doesn't drink again - - drinking played a big role in his A's and I don't think I could stay if he started that again.
In IC, we have talked about this issue a lot and much of it depends on perspective. We clearly should never humiliate ourselves to meet the needs of our WS - I was clearlly doing that while A's were active and I accepted the abuse and cruelty of a lying, cheating alcoholic. But now, I very consciously assess my needs and goals and wanting a sober H/healthy M is where I want to be. SO, if I have to make some allowances for his sobriety (control of anger and shaming behavior, etc.) But, I will not allow his needs to make me give up mine. Never, never, never again.
Seems like a good topic for MC. We talked about that issue there and MC was really good at helping H understand what I needed from him and why. Also helpful in getting us to establish a new dynamic in our relationship, where we consider eachother's feelings as issues are discussed.
I think this is a good example of the differences between the WS and the BS. In most cases the BS, even prior to the A, was more giving. It has been said that many WS's cheated not because they were not getting enough at home but because they were not giving enough. So they were less invested in the "we" of the relationship and more invested in the "me". The relationship should be 50/50 even when it comes to emotional priority. When you are hurting she should comfort you, instead of making it all about her. It is not only a manipulation tactic, but extremely selfish. In fact, manipulation is all about being selfish.
I agree...good MC subject!
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
My IC initially made a comment about strong female characters in my life (Mum, 1st long term relationship, wife), each replacing the previous. After talking about it a bit, I asked if it was that I chose strong women, or if I was weak and so "ordinary" women would appear strong (relative strength). He said that it sounded like neither - he suggested that I had the power and control, but that I passed it to the other person - I placed them in positions where they had no option but to excercise control over me.
For example I am perfectly able to "control" my wife into coming with me to a clothes shop/hair dresser and putting her on the spot to make decisions for me. IC pointed out that my W didn't invite herself along, I put her there.
Not exactly the same as with emotional priority but rings a bell, perhaps it is too easy for me to focus on her rather than deal with my own feelings.
Relationship dynamics are fascinating, aren't they? When we went to IC and MC, I was diagnosed as having Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and my H was diagnosed as being Emotionally Rigid. And oh true those two diagnoses were and are!
While my H didn't behave EMOTIONALLY the way your W does, like other's marriages, my H overbenefitted from the marriage while I underbenefitted. He gave 100% of his income but not even 50% of anything else, which meant, of course, that I was giving more than 50% of everything else.
The imbalance in a marriage certainly seems to be present when A occur. Along with the overbenefitting goes selfishnesss and a sense of entitlement. See, our WS felt entitled to have an A, entitled to have their every need met and not to have to make any true sacrifices.
It is certainly possible that you were raised to believe the stereotype that men (other than gays) don't know how to dress themselves, are inept in the kitchen, don't know how to handle babies, etc. Believing those stereotypes and not realizing that they are stereotypes and have a real impact on your life are enough to make you feel that you must have a woman make certain choices for you. I know I may be rambling here, but does any of this make sense to you?
I definitely agree that discussing your behaviors with your IC and in MC would be helpful to both of you.
It's possible that you are not her priority because she takes your emotional support for granted. There is a model of relationship dynamics that has been called pursuer/distancer. The idea is that one partner in a relationship tends to pursue intimacy while the other is 'running' from it. It could be that you are the pursuer in your relationship, while she is the distancer. Often times the distancer will become the pursuer if they feel less sought out for a time. You may have noticed this in your own relationship, because most relationships experience several 'flips' which party assumes each role.
It may be possible that she will make you more of a priority if she senses that she is not your primary emotional priority right now. According to your description, she presently uses self-pity to spur you into making her the emotional priority. If you refuse to allow her to manipulate the situation (i.e. refuse to give into her self pity), then she might begin to make you the priority instead of herself.
I'm sure there are effects of stereotypes, but maybe not those ones, I'm not really "there" yet enough to work it all out, I'm only at the start of IC, although for me a huge amount of this is going to have to be self help & self analysis. Self being the most important word!
What was touched on though was ingrained prevarication and fear of being wrong/making mistakes. By novating decisions I can avoid critisism (if someone says they don't like what I wear I can blame someone else [W]). The C quipped that suffering an affair will go a long way to shocking me out of my fear of being wrong! I was almost hurt when he said it but it makes a lot of sense, the humiliation and catastrophic way in which I was wrong about my W makes everything else pale in comparison. Hardly the recommended cure though!!
