I am rather confused and unable to deal with my wife saying that she didn't think I loved her, because I was being nasty to her/not like I used to be. I tried to assure her that I did and that I was just upset and trying to protect myself. I also pointed out that if I didn't love her would I really have stayed after what she did. And then she got more upset. So I went into the other room and left her to it.
What's going on? Why would she say this? Is it a hint about what she actually wants?
She also picked on me a little later for having put on weight (she apologised afterwards) she seemed to be only teasing/joking, but took at a bit far and I really wasn't in the frame of mind to be criticised AT ALL.
I'm very confused by her behaviour. The irony is that her behaviour IS pushing me away. I'm pretty sure I still love her and care about her a lot, but part of my feelings for her are being bruised now - more through her behaviour post A than the A itself.
I am not surprised by your W’s comments, they are very common for WS’s. A person who gets into an Affair has to justify it to help them cope with the guilt. Doubting the love of their spouse is an easy target. I get the idea that this is still her present thinking, again this is a defensive mechanism, it puts the blame and ownership and responsibility for all this trouble on you and takes it off of her. When you pointed out logical reasons to disprove her mind set she didn’t want to hear it and shut down. Also very, very common behavior of a WS.
Be proud of yourself for not giving her the emotional priority. I know that is not easy for you. But it is the best thing for you both. By not comforting her you are saying she is wrong and hopefully she will have to think about what that means. Had you comforted her, it would have validated her feelings that you didn’t love her and allowed her to continue to blame shift things to you.
I also seem to continue to face "reasons" for my wife's A.. quite often they seem to come around to me being responsible in some way. I find it quite hard work to listen and respond quietly and logically back again and, more importantly to reassure her that I have forgiven her etc.. It is almost as if she just can't face herself in this situation and sometimes I wonder if there is any amount of forgiving from me that will help her. I now feel, and have said to her, that she really needs to forgive herself. But the problem with all my male logic is that this is the very problem - I reckon all her activity in blaming me and the world for her position is that she is not really facing herself yet. I also feel very bad seeing her get into tears and I have simply sometimes to walk away as I feel I am being drawn in to her mental concept that somehow she was not really responsible for her own actions. In fact yesterday I wondered, and said to wife, "I am not sure you are really able to get this and change your repeated mind-set that somehow you are the victim in all this". I know I have changed and now I see her repeated behaviour I am very put off re-entering into a new marriage state with someone who is really not prepared to stand up and be counted in the relationship. I cannot be the only strong one here.
You have come such a long way. Very impressive post.
I want to comment a bit on something you said on forgiveness. That you forgiving her isn't helping. Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves first and foremost. How the other person sees it is out of our control.
It is quite likely that your wife wants to put the monkey on your back, so to speak. I know David did the same to me. He said he thought I didn't care, didn't really want to be with him, yada yada yada. By pushing me away, he wouldn't be the one to end the marriage and he wouldn't have to do the hard work to repair what marriage was left. Stick to your guns, focus on what you really want. Hang in there!
I agree with Tiffany. Having worked with teens (and seen this behaviour in my WS, who is acting very teenage like), it seems to be a typical response by someone immature - turning a problem around so that it is not their fault. They could get their hand caught in the cookie jar, and they would blame the jar for being too small.
My hand is up, too! My H gave me that "I didn't think you loved me anymore!" line, too. HELLO! Who was having the A?!? And who was at home feeling lost, unhappy, and unloved by a cheating spouse?
One guess--oh wait--the answer is the same for all of us!
I loved her so much after DDay. Hated her as well, but loved her. But her actions afterwards have systematically been wearing down my feelings. All the more so because I am certain her actions aren't deliberate, which makes me think they are inate and hence unchangable - so have to be included in my love; i.e. the person I love is not who I thought she was.
Right now it is because it is now 7:50pm and she will be home in a couple of minutes - she has been to the pub (presumably not drinking tho) with a female friend after college. Fair enough, but she finished at 4:30pm, so has just used 3 hours of "study time". This is the woman who doesn't have time for 1hr MC next week. Furthermore she didn't text me to let me know at 4:30, she only let me know once I'd texted her to say I was heading home. Presumably so I didn't worry when I got home to an empty flat.
Your wifes behaviour is exactly like my XH who was also depressed and had been on and of for many years.
I'm going to be blunt here and say you need to look after yourselve. The behaviour is manipulative and disrespectful and she is showing a blatant disregard to your feelings. I lost count of the number of times my xh couldn't do anything for me or for the both of us for some reason but ALWAYS was well enough etc to do what he wanted. Each time it happened it knocked me lower and lower whilst he felt fine.
Sorry but what she is doing is manipulative and disrespectul to you and very very selfish. Please start doing things for yourself....for your own sanity.
-My H definitely wanted to blame me for his A's. I didn't care about him, only the kids. He felt unloved and unimportant at home. I only wanted him to be home so that I could keep him on a leash.I was no longer the woman he married. Blah, blah, blah. He was truly making me crazy because my version of reality did not match his. The truth was that he was a self-centered man whose selfish needs led him to self-deception and A's- there wasn't enough admiration in the world to satisfy his needs.
-You should not let your W treat you with disrespect. I tolerated years and years of neglect, lies, loss of dignity and I have tremendous regret today for having put up with it for so long. My H and I have a pretty amazing M today and yet, I can still say that I should have left him during the "dark years."
I do appreciate the pain of a WS but that does not justify treating you badly or causing more pain. Your needs matter!!!
Good points Adam. You're seeing that your wife's decisions about her marraige help to define what priority it has for her. Is she spending time working on it, or is she working on other things? Is she making it a priority or is it a secondary priority for her? As you see the answers to those questions, you can consider how you will respond to them. The healthy thing to do is to confront her with your observations and facts, and ask her what they mean. Don't let yourself be manipulated by her words... actions are what counts, but give her a chance to see her actions and change them if this is her desire. However, if you give her a chance and she seems insincere in the attempt to make changes, then you have your answer.
Give it time, but make the time count. If she's spending time at a bar with friends instead of working on her marriage, it's very possible that it's not her priority.
One of the things I needed to learn was ways of confronting my wife's behavior, to set boundaries, and to establish reasonable consequences for boundary violations without resorting to ultimatiums. For me, it was doing things like breaking contact with her when she violated a boundary (i.e. was insensitive toward me.) Since most ultimatiums are relationship ending, finding reasonable consequences is a key element. For example, one of my consequences was simply telling her that her failure to observe by boundaries was pushing me another toward divorce.
I'm sure you can find ones that's your comfortable with, and as you understand her true priorities, you can thoughtfully implement and enforce boundaries that will establish once and for all if there is a real chance of saving your marriage.
I have to agree with all that was said. You have to set boundaries and not let her continually manipulate the situation. Saying she didnt think you love(d) her she is most definately putting the blame on you. She also has no time for MC but plenty of time to go visit friends and go to the pub, using her so called "study time". Again, I say that shows where her priorities are. Actions speak louder than words and her actions are not those of a remorseful WS, but more or someone who is still being very selfish.
You are far more trusting than I. After d-day there is no way I would have condoned my WH going to any bar/pub even if it was just to visit a friend, whether he was drinking or not. There is a certain "atmosphere" at a bar/pub, if you know what I mean and it would make me feel very insecure. Why cant they meet for coffee or tea? And why couldnt she let you know she was going to be late getting home? Adam, her behavior is not showing that she cares much about your feelings and your attempts at trying to deal with what SHE has done. It's all about her!
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
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