My Mom being her seemed to cause WS and I to come to a head. Yesterday (didn't see her due to meetings), WS and I went out and, among other things, he was looking for a cheap backpack for his trip to Europe. Well, I backpacked around Japan a few eyars back and know a thign or two about this and gave some opinions. This ended up in a (familiar) fight about me treating him like a child (hence the reason I have never shouted "grow up" at him) and also about how I am too nice and supportive (don't ask me how this happened. It is a well worn path).
Well, I just lost it. I told him that, while I never lied about how great he is at some things, I also told him that, in some ways, he is a horrible human and went in to detail. I also told him that I never said these things because he was treate dlike dirt at work and everyone deserves a safe place to go to and I didn't want be anything like the people he worked with. I also pointed out how, since we moved here, he hadn't been doing the same for me (I was eloquent but can't remember how I said it). I then told him that that was everything and I was leavign because I didn't like being the type of person who felt a need to say such mean and hurtful things).
He stopped me and said that, as mcuh as he wanted to, he couldn't disagree with anything I said. He was unemotional and it pi$$ed me off, but he said he had no tears left and all he feels now is frustrated and angry, and he can't be considering I was right. We talked things out and he said he will try and change, but that it will take time. He also said that, if I ever wanted to make him feel guilty, all I had to do was leave at that moment and never come back. He asked if I wanted to fix things. He apologized for saying hurtful things (his favorite one is to rub the OW in my face). For once, he talked and I listened. I was angry that there were no emotions, but, then again, that is not him.
I told him I regretted criticizing his work ethic (good with clients, disrepectful (with cause) to his chain) because he has told me he won't talk about work again because of how I thought about him - I think it is a step backwards because I told him I knew he was that way to survive the snake pit of an office but it still didn't make him a ncie person. Then again, his resolve about no office chat lasted exactly 18 hours (I am, unfortunately, his only friend in the city at the moment).
He also told me that he resented me lieing to him (one of ommission with good intentions, he will admit) and it is hard on him to realize that I don't see him "as a god, without fault" (his words). I hadn't realized that my hesitancy to criticize him had caused such a problem. He said I was just like his coworkers who didn't want to hurt his feelings so never said anythign bad. That stung and I had to point out that the difference was that they would then stab him in the back. I, on the other hand, knew that if I wasn't going to criticize, I had to live by what I said. My thoughts were never reflected in my words or actions to him or others (how else could have that god-like feeling). And, I was trying to model to him how I wanted to be treated. I told him I would have given anything to have had a home where I would be safe from critiscm and felt supported (NOT that he was verbally abusive. Just not supportive. There is a difference)
Since then, I have noticed a difference. He is touching me in a non-sexual way (he said he read somewhere that it builds binding and affection. He wouldn't tell me where he read it, though
) He is checking in with me to see if I'm okay (especially nice when my Mom would be gone for a second because he understands how difficult our R is). Plus, (I can't think of how to describe this except to go "new agey") he has an aura of kindness around him that has been missing for the last year, long before the A. And, when he called a friend (female but not OW) after I went to bed, he actually came to tell me who he had called and why when he heard me moving. He said he didn't want me to think that he was doing something behind my back.
Lastly, he actually asked if I wanted to fix our marriage. This is a first. I feel like we just came through a MC session. Hopefully, we can keep moving down this path (expecially since I have thought we have had breakthroughs before). I pray this one is different.
Chinook
