I don't know what it was that put me in a bummed out mood but today was just a sad sort of day. A lot of it has to do with my feelings. I want so badly to feel loved and wanted by my H. It has been years since I felt really loved. There have been days here and there where I felt a connection with him but we haven't had one of those in a while. And when I think about him spending time with the OW and him expressing love for her and acting interested in her and what she has to say it really brings me down.I got my hair cut the other day and my H asked how much I got cut off without looking at me and that was it he didn't compliment me or say anything.

I really feel empty and alone, my H is a video game person and he has not spent very much time playing his games lately but really got sucked into them this past week. And I don't want to have to always be the one to try to put effort into talking about our relationship or what we want to do. I know that he can't read my mind but I just don't want to have to deal with the attitude and looks that he makes when I tell him how I feel and what is bothering me. And I really don't know what is bothering me it is a lot of little things that when put together become a heavy weight to carry.

I am just sooooooooooooooo tired of being depressed and having these jelous feelings for the way that he feels about the OW. Sigh...

Kelly,

Men can be so dense... I know that My H is about the least observant person I know, but he was aware of how the OW wore her hair...I think that the complements we look for now are the same ones that we didn't get before the A.. they know how to do or say but don't think we need it anymore.

Having the jealous feelings are so common... because our S's payed attention to the small stuff with the OW and that got lost with the marriage ceremony with us....so we have to tell them what we need.

Right now you need to discuss your feelings with your H ...using the I word...I feel this way when you do this or that...and I realize it is my problem to solve but could you help me... I think that you may find he may begin to respond because you are not accusing him...and the accusations are what triggers the looks he gives you.

((((hugs))))

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

Great response Pat to a classic feeling. 

I was also reading and feeling two things:  Firstly men can also have a sense of not being loved and down from their wives behaviour - It may not be noticing hair-cuts but it could be wife showing physical signs of love by reaching out for a hug etc.. I know this from my own experience.  The second feeling I was having is just how dependent we can become on our loved one to do things for us to make us happy - The truth is that we are the ones that have the power to make ourselves happy mostly - And in some ways it is unhealthy to depend too much on spouse to make us happy. 

I am not saying either of these things apply in your case.  Your spouse could really be saying "I don't care for you" by his unloving behaviour or it could be (quite likely) that he is simply a victim of that other drive ie sex/ hormones etc and the madness and blindness that goes with it. 

In any case, like Pat says I would tell him how you feel - Certainly he has to show he loves you by what he does and says and if he doesn't show it this way then you have to ask (him too) if he really does care for you.  Also though, please know that your happiness does not depend on him so much - We all find we need the comfort and support of someone admiring/ wanting us but this is a natural human condition and if we become aware of it then we can look at our relationships more clearly.

may you be safe and well

I really think that you hit it on the head with what I see as your male point of view. When I first read what you said it stung a little bit but after I thought about it for a few minutes I realized that you are absolutely right.

"Firstly men can also have a sense of not being loved and down from their wives behaviour - It may not be noticing hair-cuts but it could be wife showing physical signs of love by reaching out for a hug etc.."

My H has on a couple of occasions, when I told him how I was feeling, asked me when was the last time I hugged him. And I usually can't remember. I did a lot of things for him for months while he was maintaining contact and I feel the need to protect myself now, I feel like it is very dangerous to put out much effort or feelings because I can't get that hurt again with out being done and ending the M. So I, without realizing I am doing it until it is pointed out, have been withdrawing for self protection. Do I try to change that or do I talk to him and explain (I really already have) why I don't reach out and touch him. Have others out there dealt with these problems? How did you handle it?


"The second feeling I was having is just how dependent we can become on our loved one to do things for us to make us happy - The truth is that we are the ones that have the power to make ourselves happy mostly - And in some ways it is unhealthy to depend too much on spouse to make us happy."

This is the part that stung a little and I think that it did because it was the truth. Wow I really needed to hear that so thank you. It is time that I checked out of the pity hotel. I have really been looking for some glimmer of anything from him to make me happy and the whole time that didn't happen because I am the only person who can make me happy. So today I got up and got dressed up and went to church with my 3 boys and met some new people. I am new to the church and am still meeting the members. And when I got home I was a lot more upbeat than I have been for a while. I think my H also realized that there was something that has been bothering me because for the last 2 days instead of playing his video games he has suggested that we play a board game with the whole family. Which we have all enjoyed a lot: )

I think that on some level I am sort of desperate to have him show some feeling of love for me because then I will know that he is getting over his feelings for the OW. I am a very insecure person from being abandoned by my parents (I was raised by my grandmother) as a child and also being ridiculed by my parents for being over weight as a child. I have with my H for 10 years and married for 8 and have always listened to my H tell me how pretty/ beautiful/ smart/ funny all the women he has worked with are ( he is a manager in a restaurant). And I have never heard him say any of those things about me (well maybe he has told me that I am funny). So I have always looked for his approval and then to have him end up in a relationship with a woman who is exactly like me all the way down to being abandoned by her parents and insecure about her weight and he told her how beautiful she was because he was trying to boost her self confidence since her physically abusive exH had stripped her of any self confidence that she had. So tell me why he can do that for someone that he knew for 5 months(thats how long he knew her before he started the affair) and can't or won't even try for his wife?

You said: "So tell me why he can do that for someone that he knew for 5 months(thats how long he knew her before he started the affair) and can't or won't even try for his wife?"

You should already know that he considers you to be pretty enough to be married to forever and ever what more validation could you need? Does he have to say it every day? Hello... he lives with you!. I think that is what he's thinking and that's why he can't or won't do it for his wife...because he doesn't think he should have to. And, he's kinda right and he's kinda wrong. Yup - we should be confident, but hey it's just a nice thing to do to let your wife know she's the most attractive woman on the planet.

My H picked a hot, sexy, skinny, petite woman just my age. Now tell me that didn't make me feel fat and ugly! So, I got all about taking my power back and I got all dressed up and was looking "hot" for church today too!

Sorry you feeling so low - I can totally understand why.

Offering the male point of view, though all men (and women) are different, I would say that I think men often respond well to physical intimacy like hugs and kisses, but in a different way to women. A woman may love to spend hours lying in bed cuddling, when a man might start to get bored, but a "random" unexpected hug, or running hands through hair etc can be a big boost. It makes the guy feel a little bit like that gorgeous dress you can't help but touch, or the necklace you have to try on

On the other hand your WS should be making a much bigger effort. Video games can be a good place to hide, so that might be what he's doing there, not great for a WS I don't think - they are very useful for a BS though so maybe you should join him!

I can empathise a little bit with your situation, yesterday was 2 months since DD1 and were just over a month since DD2. I still have another 8 days to go before my W is prepared to work on the M, so I'm just in a holding pattern for now. I had been thinking this was a disaster, and it may yet be, but she is showing signs of coming out of the fog a little although her behaviour is still rather self centered. I think she does realise though that a mammoth effort is required when her exams finish.

Hope: I have the unenviable situation that there were 2 OM, one who was a charmer ("player/sleaze/scum of the earth who deserves to be castrated") who has the looks, the body AND was her ex, and "fantastic in bed", but this didn't end up as an affair. The second is fat and really not very attractive - or at least I never thought so, but they had a full blow "relationship". Really don't know what to think, but I'm sure I left my self esteem round here somewhere... Have been going to the gym a lot since though to see if that helps Only similarity I can find between the two is that they both had more muscle than me In a way I envy the simple posibility that she might have just gone for a guy better looking than me, but instead I'm left with a complex mess of trying to figure out what it was about him that she preferred over me.

No I don't expect my H to say any of those things to me everyday or even once a week but it is emotionally painful to hear your H for years talk about all these pretty/ beautiful girls that he works with. He would come home and tell me that they hired this new girl and I would ask what is she like and he would start off with well she is really pretty with these beautiful eyes and she is so funny etc...I didn't want to know what they looked like I wanted to know if they were competent servers and did they get along with the others and I would actually have to ask those questions too.

Now the quote you took from my post "So tell me why he can do that for someone that he knew for 5 months(thats how long he knew her before he started the affair) and can't or won't even try for his wife?"

That wasn't about just saying that she was pretty it was about the fact that he tried to help her boost her self confidence with compliments and just telling her how wonderful she was. And I am jelous of that. His OW was also a lot thinner than I was because I was pregnant while his affair was going on, now didn't that make me feel fat and ugly.

I am not that petty of a person that I expect my H to tell me what a wonderful beautiful woman I am but if he is going to say those kinds of things about other women to me I need to hear/ know that he does also think those things of me!

Adam

Yes I agree with your statement that video games are a good way to hide. That is exactly what I was thinking last week when he would wake up late morning early afternoon get a bowl of cereal and sit down in front of the computer a tune out the screaming kids for a few hours. as for me joining him he plays a lot of games that are one person that involve a lot of reading and following a story line so I can't even talk to him really or it is a one way conversation. I also have too many things to take care of to spend a lot of time playing games. My free time right now is consumed by trying to cope with all my pain and trying to read stuff on surviving infidelity and when I can going for walks to clear my mind.
I was wondering what he was hiding from and asked in many ways what was wrong and what his feelings were and all I ever got was I DON'T KNOW. God I hate those words.

As far as reaching out and hugging him and other forms of touching I don't do those very often. Right before the A started and all during the A he pushed me away any time I tried to kiss him or hug him or make a sexual pass of any sort and eventually started to have a look of disgust on his face when I would touch him. So now I have a hard time trying to touch him because of being rejected for so long and eventually after the looks that he started to give me I am afraid of touching him for fear of seeing those looks again and being pushed away.


Ami
Thank you for your words and acknowledging that I can expect my H to tell me that I am pretty etc. The A certainly has magnified my insecurities and my H has told me a few times that they are my insecurities and I have to deal with them. And he is right I do need to deal with them but as I pointed out to him the other day his actions are what have caused a lot of my insecurities and there for he needs to be able to help with them ie being transparent and not going out drinking with his friends for a while and a few other things.

Kelly

Kelly, I too am familiar with being rejected, it really hurts after a while - and it only adds to the confusion! I end up thinking things like "if it were me in her position I'd make the effort even if I wasn't in the mood just because I've got to make him feel special after what I did". God knows we BS do plenty of things after the A for the WS that we probably don't want to, and certainly don't think they deserve!

It does sound like you H is being very very unfair and selfish, and so I don't have any advice what to do about him.

I am struck by the similarity between computer games as escapism and the A as a fantasy. However I very much enjoy video games - perhaps it is being able to set up boundaries with video games as well - don't give over your life to them! Your comment about one sided conversation though is totally understandable and possible part of the attraction in these situations (why I'm playing a lot right now) is that video games can attract and hold all of your attention. This means there is very little room for thinking about other things in your life - the exact opposite of going for a walk!

I think it should be your husband who is going for the walks to have time to think and you who should be escaping to give your brain some rest from the pain. Easier said than done though I know.

I hope he comes out of the fog soon and realises he's being a jerk. You don't deserve being treated like that.

In the mean time, just try focus on you, you're far more worthy of the attention!

(((hugs)))

That's just what I think he's thinking. I don't think he's right to think that! I just don't get why men don't tell their wives they are beautiful once a week or when we make the effort to dress up. Like it's that hard to spend a whole 5 seconds complimenting someone.

And, just because I can know logically in my head that he's thinking that - I still felt fat and ugly. Just because we shouldn't feel fat and ugly doesn't mean we don't succumb to our insecurities. Of course we do! The we get all dressed up and go to Church.

I thought it was funny that you and I both did that on the same day.

I tell my wife she is beautiful, and gorgeous, and sexy pretty much every day.

I only seem to get comments if I fish for them

Oh except the occaisional "you haven't got rid of your belly yet then"

(We looked at our photo from when I proposed [it was at a ball] and she commented that I wouldn't fit into that suit now. To be fair she did also comment that she had put on weight since then too, but still.)