I don't know what is wrong but the last few days I have been wondering if this is really what I want. Do I need to be the one who tries to communicate? Do I need to be the one to always start the conversations about how we are going to work this out? He thinks that asking me what is wrong is communicating and I guess it is but that is the end of communicating even if I say that I don't know he acts like he has done his part and thats it. I am trying to keep my house running efficently trying to keep up with the demands of 3 boys under the age of 9 and trying to deal with my emotions which are on a never ending roller coaster and by the ens of the day what do I have left for deciding how to word things so that he won't get mad and withdraw? Sometimes it is just easier to not talk about how I feel.
He is working a job that he hates and is sorting through his feelings (what feelings I don't know because for the last week and a half he won't share with me what his feelings are). So here we are on parallel tracks heading in the same direction but with all this space between us. How do we get on the same track? Does he want to be on the same track with me? How long do I have to wait for him to come out of the fog and start feeling anything for me or at least act like he has feelings for me that go deeper then me being the mother of his children.
He said to me shortly after D-Day1, when I was crying asking how he could do this to me and then tell me that he did love me, you are the mother of my children of course I love you! WTF! This of course was while he was still talking to her everyday that he worked and still seeing her everyday too.
I am just thinking that it is hard for one person who has been sh** on too many times to want to keep trying when there doesn't seem to be too much effort from the WS.
Let time pass. It's the most agonizing thing, but it does help.
It's so hard to believe in them sometimes. We don't always make it easy on ourselves - wondering if we're idiots for staying and facing the pain, wondering if we'd advice our daughters to do it and knowing we wouldn't, wondering how weak we must be to love someone even though they are trouncing on us.
Just try to remember the other days - the day you got married, the happy days, the ones you long for. The moments where things are ok. Look at any progress you have seen since dday no matter how small the step. Remember to acknowledge him for those steps though they seem so miniscule when you need him to be making giant leaps and bounds.
Time will pass and you will shift out of the mood again. I know its scary when you are there and you think this is it, I'm going to be stuck here and then I'll have to make the final decision. Try getting some sleep or doing something that will give your mind a break from the spin cycle. Breaking the thought pattern will give you a moment of peace and may allow you to shift out.
Good luck, you're doing fine. 3 months since dday and still have many a days where I just need to set a milestone. I can make it until we go on vacation, I can make it until we move, I can make it and time will heal some of the pain. I can always decide to leave later. I'll hurt whether I stay or go, but if I stay I can learn more, I can heal some before I head off. And, it may be that with time and healing I will be able to stay and its worth the pain to do that.
Your recent responses to several postings have been amazing! You are awesome!
Kelly,
So often, when I feel weak and stupid for staying, my H will rave and admire my strength and resolve.
It's all a matter of perspective...and like you say, effort.
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
I often feel the same way - what kind of pathetic loser am I for staying with someone who treated me so badly? It feels even worse becaseu I KNOW that he would not have put up with his behavior from me before D Day and would have run out of my life if I had cheated the way he did.
At almost 2 years past D Day, I have healed in so many ways. My H has been completely remorseful and our M is so much better than it was. I understand what happened and why. I mostly believe that it will not happen again.
At times, however,I am left with extreme self hatred and fury directed at myself. I don't respect myself for staying and admire the women who are able to walk away, self esteem intact.
BUT THEN, I remind myself that I love this man and I am getting what I want - a mutually respectful M that is loving and a H that is kind, has learned a lot and changed in so many ways.
We still have things to work out but we are working things out and the healing slope is in the right direction. If I left, I would be hurting myself and there is enough hurt in my life without adding to it myself.
And, as my best friend (whose H had an A) told me, "Yes it would be easier to leave. Staying is hard and takes courage, strength and commitment." Somehow made me feel better.
So my next challenge is forgiving myself, a topic that has been discussed here before. BIG challenge but I am up to it.
I read your last post, and this statement jumped out at me,
"At times, however,I am left with extreme self hatred and fury directed at myself. I don't respect myself for staying and admire the women who are able to walk away, self esteem intact."
I am sorry you are hurting, but I wanted to point out to you that this statement sounds an awful lot like "the grass is always greener on the other side" syndrome. Please remember that just because a BS chooses to leave the marriage does NOT mean that her self-esteem is intact. I would bet you my favorite wand that EVERY BS' self-esteem is tremendously damaged regardless of the outcome of the marriage. I don't think that walking away is a better choice (except in the case of extreme abuse [I say that because A are a form of abuse]), just a DIFFERENT choice.
Surviving an A is a major feat for ANY BS.
Now, pat yourself on the back and remind yourself of what a powerful, loving woman you truly are.
Kelly, I absolutely understand what you are going through!!! I feel the same way...though I have no children and are amazed at the strength of the women in this forum who are raising children and dealing with this crushing experience - YOU ARE AMAZING!!!!
I don't have any advice to offer, seeing as though I am just as confused as you are, but wanted to share that I am in the same place. If you gain any miraculous insights soon, please share them with me My thoughts are with you...
My thoughts are with you...