After just a year of trying to deal with A revelaions, I've quit. The pain did subside but never really went away.
My W apologised and on one occasion sounded like she empathised. I have learned how selfish and dishonest she can be and I just don't want to be with someone I don't trust.
Thanks for all the advice here, good luck to those of you who stick it out. My W has been crying most of the night and I feel sorry for her but I can't stay with her out of pity. It's very sad we came to this stage. I have no idea what will happen to us and our kids. My W has accused me of smashing up the family. I think she's done that all by herself.
I'd explained the things I needed to be able to get over the As, including NC, not blaming me, quitting drinking and no more lies. I didn't think it was too much to ask.
If anyone has any advice on how to get over a marriage coming to an end please post. This was my first long-term relationship and I have no experience of how it goes from here when you finally give up on it.
Sorry to hear that, but if after a year she hasn't been able to do those things for you then I think I would do the same.
Most important thing now is to look after yourself. If her being upset is going to trouble you and make it difficult for you to move on then perhaps find a friend of hers that can look after her - the last thing you need is contact with your W!
As far as getting over a long term relationship I don't have a huge amount of experiance, but the advice I would give you is to A) focus on yourself for a while, do those things that you wanted to do but haven't done B) don't go over the top! For some people there is a tendency to "go off the rails" and party/spend/work too hard. Moderation is the key here. In the short term though it would probably be very useful for you if you have a friend you can call on to hang around with - you will probably be v lonely in a few days if you are on your own.
After trying to get through this mess for about a year, Im sure this decision gives you at least a little bit of relief.
My suggestion is to go with that. Concentrate on that relief, its the only sense of peace that I have.
Although it rips me up to be making that choice myself, I am being true to myself and doing what is right for me.
By staying in something that you can never get over you are slowly killing yourself. She made a horrible mistake yes but you cannot let another person (even your spouse) give you a death sentence.
Day by day, step by step, breath by breath you have to hold your head up and allow yourself to heal and move on. You have realized that you cannot do that staying in the relationship.
You gave it a year, you tried, some people just cant recover and that is not your fault. It was the risk she took when she made that choice. You have done all you can and its time to go.
There is nothing wrong with that, take some time think about every aspect of your life, personal, professional, social, hobbies, friends. Make a game plan for all of them, where you want to go and what you want to do.
Then, get busy doing them as fast and hard as you can. Never look back.
Good luck, my heart goes out to you, Im in the same place myself. The only thing that keeps me going is my new missions in life. If I stop and look back, it just brings me pain. So focus, focus, focus.
I'm sorry that it's reached this point, and I'm sorry that it is because your wife failed to make the efforts needed in recovery. Only you can know when "enough is enough", but I'd like to share that my wife needed several opportunities to see the consequences of inaction before she really got down to working on her problems that allowed the affair and stagnated recovery. This occured of the course of many years as well, possibly because I was too patient, too tolerant, and even too wrapped up in my own pain to force her to look at the potential consequences.
Your wife should get to work on herself now, regardless of the situation in your marriage, but it could be that some serious and effective efforts to work on herself now might give you cause to delay the end of the relationship for a while. Of course that's all up to you.
However, I would add that she has no basis for blaming you for the end of the marriage simply because you have chosen divorce on the basis of her adultery and subsequent personal failure in recovery. I can see that you're not allowing her to do that.
Right now I think you need to focus on your children they will be the ones who will suffer the most. you will hurt but you will heal. They need to know that you are there for them 200% of the time.
You need to see a lawyer, be concerned about your children. get your financial affairs in order
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
I too call it an end here in June. We were just a few weeks from 1 year out.
Even though I know the M is over, it has still been difficult. My H cries too and tells me how nothing will ever be the same. Mind you - I decided to end it after discovery of 4 OW in one year and the fact (This was the straw that broke the camels back.) that he broke NC with one of them after 4 months of us supposedly reconciling.
Something I have realized with my H is that he may never totally get what he has done. He says he does, but even then breaks NC. His actions just dont make sense. What I do believe that it comes down to for him is that he is so very selfish. He would help just about anyone and on the surface he seems like a good guy, but deep inside if it comes to him, he will chose him over me or anyone for that matter every time.
I wonder if we can consider "selfish" an addiction, because I truly think he is addicted to himself.
This is not an easy task that you embark on. I posted on another thread recently that even though I cant stand my H, it breaks my heart to know that we wont be together for the rest of our lives. Its a sad, sad time.
Not all of us get to that point, but when we do, only we can decide that enough is enough.
Best wishes to you Sam.
Coral
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."
Thanks Coral. I discussed my W behaviour with a total of 4 different guys last year. Each time I felt horrendous "ending it" for her. Each time I felt their pity since their egos had been stroked and mine shattered. Even after she broke NC with 2 of them in December I still took her back.
After 13 years of M it's hard to close the door. When you've put up with a lot it seems easier to just forgive one more time. Ultimately none of it should have happened at all. The main excuse was drinking and insecurity (that's when she wasn't blaming me).
In the end you're right of course. As I recovered from the As I started to care for myself too much to put my future in the hands of someone who proved they were just selfish. Thanks again, Sam.
>The main excuse was drinking and insecurity (that's when she wasn't blaming me).
>I'd explained the things I needed to be able to get over the As, including NC, not blaming me, quitting drinking and no more lies. I didn't think it was too much to ask.
I'd say that what you asked for was minimal, and something she should have wanted to do without you even asking. If you get severe burns from misuse of gasoline, you'd stop misusing it for sure, but you might even go as far as to avoid handling it all together. It sounds like your wife never had that reaction.
With four OM in the history, there is no doubt that there are some significant unavoidable integrity issues that need resolution. If they were not getting addressed then number five seems like only a matter of time.
I am sorry. I too have asked my WH to stop smoking pot. Like you, I felt it was a reasonable request and in fact it was part of reconciliation and he agreed to it. Three months after he decides (without talking to me) that he should be allowed to smoke and that it had nothing to with the A. Excuse me! It had everything to do with the A. Smoking pot is what he and OW did together and bonded over. It is what allowed him to be less inhibited and started him on the slippery slope to the A. When I found out about it I should have upholded my boundaries and kicked him to the curb but I just couldnt do it. Right now I am thinking of trying another approach that my IC suggested. But if that doesnt work I will have no choice as well but to uphold my boundaries and take care of myself! You are definately not alone there, sorry to say
Wishing you the best...
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
This message has been edited by SoCalGal on Jul 26, 2007 9:57 AM
I have a lawyer, filing for divorce, still telling my wife it's over every time she asks. It's really horrible but there is relief that this part of my life will be over soon.
Hi Sam, I don’t post here so much anymore. But I read your post and thought of dear Coral, who has been through way too much. I read somewhere that love is worth fighting for, but some lovers aren’t. Some people just don’t get it and they never will. Coral’s H is one of those people in my opinion.
You have to be happy and you do not deserve to be treated with such utter disregard. Some people are just broken and can not be fixed. Your children deserve a father that is happy and respected. Good luck and everyone is in my prayers. Bless us all, E
There's a book titled "Uncoupling" that has interviews from 100's of couples during and after a divorce.
It follows the common path of one partner having a secret/passion/pastime/addiction that the other partner is not involved in and how this causes a "space" to occur in the marriage. In time that space widens and eventually they end up in divorce.
This is a divorce book and I'd never recommend it as a recovery book for an A, but I think it could help with understanding the D process and the emotional cycles involved.
For me, just like I felt crazy during A recovery because there was so much I just couldn't talk about at lunch with my friends, this book helped me understand that D has a separate set of similiar pains that people tend to go through and mostly suffer in silence because so much of it is stuff you also just can't talk about during lunch.
