Right after D-day, I was in shock, but we seemed to have agreements on how we needed to move forward. As we have talked more, however, things seem to be getting worse - I feel further apart from him, not closer, and the pain has intensified. For the first two weeks, it was low-level, but livable. Now I can barely eat or sleep. I have lost five pounds in the last week. I feel like the joy has been sucked out of my life. I can't even enjoy my 2-year-old son, who is the light of my life. It seems like H and I can't carry on a normal conversation or exchange affection without feeling stilted.
How long does this last? How long before some sense of normalcy establishes itself?
We have a vacation planned in six weeks, which we have been planning a long time and we both still want to go. I want this vacation to start re-establishing some of the good aspects of my marriage, but I can't even imagine functioning normally right now.
I am going this morning to the Dr. for an anti-depressant Rx at the suggestion of the therapist. He also thinks it will help me deal with my anger issues (which I admit, I do have under stress).
Yes this is normal. Initially, a BS is in shock, they have not fully taken the brunt of what exactly being betrayed by infidelity means on the larger scale. We go into survival mode I believe. We want to preserve our marriage, and that becomes first priority. After awhile this fades and we realize what was done to us and how it breaks and destroys the very foundations of our belief systems. We are so used to the old belief system and so try to go back to it, only to find it gone. We fall apart with out that foundation. Life just doesn’t seem worth living anymore. But it does get better, just very slowly, baby steps at a time.
You need to talk the affair to death. Your H needs to answer all your questions over and over again. It is grueling for both of you, but it is what has worked in the successful reconciliation’s I know of. There is an ebook you can down load for your H to read
www.aftertheaffair.net that is very helpful in helping him help you through this emotional roller coaster from he11. He also needs to be completely transparent and accountable 24 hours a day, and he needs to do this willingly.
The experts say on an average that it takes 2 and a half years to recover. In my mind the 2.5 year mark was when I started to reclaim myself and feel happy in me again. But to feel healthy and happy as if I had put the affair behind me, took more like 3.5 to 4 years. But that is me.
It is possible to heal, I do not regret my decision to stay and work on my marriage. I can look at my H today and not be floored by the realization of him being with someone else. I look at him and merely see the man I love.
I am sorry you are hurting so much, please take some comfort in knowing that you are not alone. I have been exactly where you are.
Yes, that is normal. Ami said it all so I won't repeat, but this is what I mean about this board. It let's you know you are normal. Your reactions are normal and your feelings are normal. Let them happen and remeber it won't always be this way.
Things did get worse before they got better for me. As more details got realized the pain increased. His face was a trigger of good and bad and I was going crazy bouncing around these extreme emotions so I stayed at a hotel for a few nights - it helped me. People talk about building a better deeper relationship but I think that comes after rebuilding trust and communication and I think that takes a lot of time. So, its probably normal for you to be feeling more apart from him right now. Give yourself more time.
We just got back from vacation, but we decided to add in a long vacation at about 5 weeks after Dday. It was a little scary, but it helped us to be out of our regular environment (watch out for unexpected triggers in new environments!)
Fear not, your 2 year old will demand that you enjoy him. It'll come back. I don't have kids but I do have dogs and there are just some things that they do that make you smile no matter what and you'll catch it on your face one day and realize that if you can smile for a second, that means you'll be able to smile for a minute and later as time passes you'll be able to laugh for hours again.
I considered getting anti-depressants. I used them when life through me a few zingers at the same time. This A was so incredibly painful and distracting I almost took them again, but decided in the end not to. I preferred that he see every ounce of pain and anger I had and my complete and total apathy when I had no more energy for the whole thing. (I am not recommending that at all, its just what I did I don't even know if it was the right thing to do.)
Some have a really hard time with affection and conversation. It's ok, normal for it to be stilted it's like your resetting all the rules and have to figure out if its ok to ask how your day was. Such a simple question but we all know it was crappy! If he's truly remorseful, out of the fog/fantasy, then he's probably feeling pretty ashamed and a failure for hurting you so badly. He's probably not exactly sure what the right thing is to do. So maybe that's where some of the stiltedness comes from on his side.
Sadly it just takes time, plan on lots of it and if it moves faster than great. Good luck.
This message has been edited by forgandforg on Jul 28, 2007 12:45 PM
