I am still in the stage where I am feeling horrible pain most of the time. But even when I start to feeling okay, and can deal with things, it doesn't take much before I am plunged back down into despair again. It's a rollercoaster and it's hard to have hope, I know.
Just six months for us now, Adam...but I remember well what you are experiencing. EVEN JUST reading a posting like yours could have sent me downward spiraling, remembering/reliving my own painful circumstances.
With a truly remorseful S, N/C in place, and a lot of fierce conversations, I can say my roller coaster ride is leveling. That is NOT to say we don't still have our difficulties; it simply means we are both more capable of helping each other over our hurdles.
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
I wonder how it happens too. I wonder if it is that I'm scared to be happy for too long because he might screw up, or say something, or I might find out something else about this whole horrid issue. Or I might be in denial and minimizing the issue and then when I think about it I'll remember how bad it really is.
Or its a test...can I think about it without crying? Nope, not yet. Then I try again a few minutes later. Nope, not healed yet... how about now?
Triggers really screw me up and can send me plunging rather quickly even when I think I'm prepared for them. The ones I'm not prepared for are the worst.
It's almost worse with time and healing because a little more time passes between the plunge and you almost forget about the plunge...and then it happens again. And, I just want to cry for being there again.
After3 1/2 months DDay, NC, remorseful H, lots of talking, some MC I've passed the 1 week barrier on the plunge. And, working on 2 weeks at the moment. And, sadly counting trying not to let the next one surprise me or catch me off guard.
I'm not counting the crying as I drove the drive he took to get to his vacation/fantasy island the other day - I was driving to a business meeting. Brutal to sit in a car and think that on that very road my H was feeling "alive" as he went to play with his girlfriend. So much for working on 2 weeks...guess I'm still at 1 week between plunges.
What you are feeling is called a trigger. Triggers are tough buggers! Right now you associate going out with the OM and your W going out. Unfortunately this is normal and pretty painful...it does make one feel weak, atleast momentarily.
I get triggers when my WH is late. I immediately think he is with OW and I freak. I also get triggered when I am working. Our business was where the A started and took place. I get over these triggers by using sheer will and determination! I say to myself, I worked hard to help build up my business...I belong here, not OW...this is MY BUSINESS, and I basically banish her presence in my mind. I simply refuse to let what my WH and OW did take over every aspect of my life, and ruin everything I worked hard for. You will get better at doing this too...but like we say here, it just takes time. Dont let the thought of OM keep you from being able to go out and have a good time...because then he will have won, wont he? Go out there and fight for yourself Adam! YOU are so worth it
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
In the end it didn't end up too bad but it was a rough trip.
She had got in touch about her going out, but my problem was that she wasn't open with information. She has explained this as that she was telling me information quickly as soon as she got it.
However that led me to ask lots of questions, all of which she answered, but left me feeling that if I hadn't answered she wouldn't have told me.
This is fairly triggery but more its primary. She wanted to go out with her friends WITHOUT me because there was only 1 spare ticket for this play. A play being performed near where the OM lives. And that the OM is taking part in (backstage).
Had she approached it the right way it may not have been such a big deal. But her first message wasn't "I've been invited to see that play that OM does back stage for. I won't see him, and won't go for any drinks afterwards. I will be with X and Y."
Instead it felt like she was hoping I'd say yes without asking the "difficult" questions.
I told her this made me feel like we were back at day 1, and that she hadn't changed since the A. Part of this was possibly triggers (Friday night was when she used to sleep with him). But it was the same manner of asking to go out. It makes me feel like a parent with a child.
Instead we stayed in, which was fun. Except we got drunk. And W threw up. And now I'm hungover.
Adam
I really know what you are talking about with W going out without you. I have asked my H to not go out fore a while until we are on more stable ground and further from the last D-Day which is when NC was established.
I thought that my H would get really pissed at me for even asking but he said OK he understood why I felt that way. Last night he had a really really bad night at work and he did stop and have 1 drink and he did tell me about it when he got home and I am not sure how I feel about it but I think since he volunteered the info to me and it was only one that I am ok so long as it doesn't start happening to frequently.
Doesn't it suck that we have to suffer while they are out having a great time: (
Kelly
