Hello everyone,

I hope we are all doing o.k. (in the very least!)

I wanted to ask you all........

Has the affairs and or treatment of your spouses, left you a changed person? I mean changed in a way you would rather not be? I feel I have been so changed for three years now.

To others I may seem like a cold, hard, angry, bitter person. What my husband has said and done to me over the past years has changed me. Not only do I feel I am the above things (no longer the happy, jolly, easy going person I was), but I am also so tired and feel so much older. I also feel permanently sad and worthless.

Does or has anyone felt "my way?" God, I pray I will not be like this forever!

I think others on my street, his relatiives,,, and even some of my friends don't get what this type of treatment DOES TO A PERSON! I feel like I lost my soul and my spirit.

Your thoughts would be appreciated.

yes everything that my H has done has changed me. I used to think i was a strong person. that I would never take anything from anybody.

last night in the mist of a break down. I thought to myself I have lost my best friend and you know who that was it was ME. I have lost myself in all of this maddness. I gave up on everything i believed in.only to feel sorry for myself. I know beleive that hurts more then everything that has happen.

many say take care of you. beleive in yourself and in time you will find yourself again. but I"m not really sure who I am supppose to be. because the women i was before i meet my H I just can't seem to go back to her and I wonder how much longer it will take to become who I am suppose to be know..

ok I"M rambling your just going through the motions . they are normal .I wish you all the luck in the world to get past some of this .and I"m so very sorry for your pain in all of this.

april

I feel that I have changed. Some changes may not be permanent (hopefully not) but others may, who knows. I feel that I was really a trusting person before, not only with my W but in general. That’s has changed and I don’t think I will ever be that same trusting person again. Maybe a good thing. I also feel insecure, something I never felt before, not this strong at least. I hope this will fade and that I will regain confidence in myself and my marriage. I feel like I live in fear. I never fear her being unfaithful, lying or deceiving me, and I now live with that fear. They always talk about the WS and how it’s years of issues, insecurities or what not that lead to the A and I can’t help but wonder what lasting effect the A will have on us, the BS. I hope you feel better and can get back to feeling and being yourself soon.

Yes, I have felt many feelings and acted out on some of them in ways I am not proud of and that does embarrass me, make me feel weak, and insecure. But, as with other things with time I progress and resort to those reactions less often.

I believe that with time, healing, and resolution should you ever get it, you will be able to move away from some of these feelings and behavior that we resort to to protect our tattered souls.

I do find I have to make a conscious committment to myself to not respond a certain way. But, sometimes a trigger will be just too much for me to handle or I just need to see his pain and make him feel ashamed again when I'm hurting so bad to make sure that life isn't all perfect for him while I'm so confused and in pain. It seems a bit of a childish notion as I write it, but it only seems fair at the time.

Your path will be longer than mine, I wish you great strength and courage to face it.

Oh yes........

And the lack of respect you loose for this person AND THE OUT OF CHARACTER THINGS YOU NOW SAY/DO because of your anger and pain,,,.

As I said, you become this "CHANGED PERSON." Again, others who have not gone through this type of personal trauma, do not get these feelings. I think they think, "they are exaggarated."

Care to elaborate?

I am happy to say that I think I have not changed as a person. Sure, in anger and hurt I have done and said things I didnt say and do before, but that is understandable. The problem is, it is not understood by the person who is the cause of the problems. I have learned very much from the experience I have been forced through, but it has not made me another person. I refuse to change because of the As. I thrust and belive in people. I was unfortunate to be together with someone who took advantage of me, and he wont change, but I belive people in genreal are good people.

Bjørg.

I can not speak for Hope, but I understand what she means. I remember a couple of months ago suddenly thinking "Damn it! I am NOT going to permit HIS horrible behavior to ruin MY life. I am not the one who had an A. I am not the one who lied and cheated. I was the one who stayed true to my vows. Why should I suffer any more because of HIS behavior?!?" I decided that I deserved to have my happy memories and my life, my personality, my self-esteem, in short, MYSELF!

Truly, HIS A was just that: HIS A!!! While it was NOT my choice that he had an A (and NEVER would be), it IS my choice to be happy and not to permit his A to ruin any more of my life.

Hope, correct me if I misunderstood.

I am so sorry you are feeling so sad, LMW, and I really do understand why you feel the way you do right now. But take heart and know that even though you feel the way you do today, you won't feel the same way in a year, two years, five, ten, and you don't have to.

Gentle fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

Just remember an old proverb:

"Sadness flies away on the wings of time"

Healing from emotional wounds takes time like healing from physical ones. I think the emotional ones hurt more than the physical.

The key is to survive. Take care of yourself, and when you feel that all hope is gone, hang on to the FACT that the future WILL get better. The human mind has to process information and events, and it does it on it's own schedule. Feel the pain, knowing that you will be a stronger and wiser person in the end.

Best of luck to you.

Yes, changed profoundly but in both good and bad ways.

The bad ways, of course, are excruciatingly painful. The world is not as I knew it and I have had to adjust accordingly - can't trust, can't look at the memories of the 7 A years without feeling sick, don't know who I was married to - did I make him up? Hate the me that put up with his neglect and irresponsibility. Wonder if I will ever feel desirable again. Wonder if I will ever forgive myself. Feel like my heart is broken into a million pieces and worried it will never be whole again.

But, on the positive side - I am stronger than I have ever been and KNOW that I will never accept that kind of behavior from anyone ever again. We all deserve better and I would rather be alone than with a selfish, cheating spouse. This Hell sent me to IC where I have learned about my own, up to now un-exercised power and that I can use that power to control myself, take care of myself and love myself. I would not have gotten to this place without the trauma of the A's.

I refuse to become the stereotype of the bitter BS and spend the rest of my life feeling hatred and rage and self-pity. That is no way to live. I will be the one who loses even more time when I could be happy. Right now, those are still words but I am working on making them my reality.

It hasn't changed who I am. I consciously (sp?) decided that I would still be a "nice" person and not give in to the thoughts of revenge. I actually told my WS, when he asked why I forgave him (if he stopped), that I needed to look myself in the mirror every day and like what I saw. I couldn't be that type of person.

It has changed, though, how I viewed my clincial depressin. I now know true sadness and it is different from being depressed. I can feel that difference and treat it accordingly. I have also learned that, for me, depression isn't what has made me suicidal, just a desire to end the sadness.

Chinook