Now what do I do? I thought he was confused and lost before. This is just turning him all sideways up and down....And, what about it me it's like I'm the bad guy if I bring up any affair issues. How insensitive of me to do that. Anyone else have something like this happen? Did you just put affair processing on hold or squeeze it in with everything else?
So sorry to hear this...due to my H's A I got Hvp that has resulted in cervical cancer.
My H is using the cancer as an excuse not to talk about the A. I should be focusing on getting better. ???
So my advice to you is yes be sensitive to his feelings regarding his Dad...however it is 2 separate issues. Keep it that way.
Obviously try not to argue about A issues if there are immediate problems with Dad...but let's not forget what happened in the M.
again so sorry to hear such terrible news...cancer sucks
I'm so sorry to hear about this latest turn of events. It must be so difficult for everyone involved. How close is your H to his Dad?
I can understand and empathize with your feelings, Hope, about still wanting to protect some space for working on your M...which includes talking about the A. Do you feel like you can talk with your H about how you'd like to be supportive of him and his Dad during this difficult time? Do you feel like you can also let him know that, as sensitive as you'll be to this priority, you also may still need reconciliation time with your H?
I'm reminded with your father-in-law's sickness of Sad2MyCore's situation, where in many ways, her reconciliation work is somewhat,too, on hold because she and her H are having to battle the OW in court over childsupport for OC. The over the top child support payments are forcing her family into a very precarious situation. And so marriage recovery has, I'm guessing, taken a bit of a back seat to the priorities of the legal and financial crisis that the family is currently in. From her last posting, it seemed like she and her H had been able to form a unified front to work together. I'm wondering if that unified front sounds like something you and your H could forge in helping his dad. Maybe you could post here and see if Sad2MyCore has any thoughts on this that could be helpful.
Just an idea.
My thoughts are with you, your H and your father-in-law. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
Lisa - It is two separate issues. But, in answer to Blueiris, they've had an absence of relationship, minimal communication, etc. (No child abuse or anything though.) So it becomes very mixed up with his A issues and causes.
On the good front it seems to be amplifying his need to make corrections in how he approaches relationships, family, and communication. Which I think directly effected his attitude this weekend. He was simply the perfect husband. And, we were moving! When I was down and tired he let me sleep or he made me laugh when there was no time for sleep. He asked for my input on everything down to which drawer to put the spoons in. He opened the door for me and really just catered to me even though he was tired and had a head ache. He's like a whole new man! (Maybe he took his last little toe out of the fog!) He even had the insight to realize that talking about his father's cancer might be a trigger for the grief of my own father having just died of cancer 3 years, almost to the date of learning about his father's cancer. This is him actually thinking about someone else's feelings when he's so caught up in his own. That seems like a huge step to me.
I thought about the cancer issue and thought I'd deal with it the best way I know how to support his father. And, I guess just fit in the marriage stuff when we have time. I'm ok with putting it on hold. I guess. It's so hard when things seem to be heading in the right direction but the triggers and visions just still exist.
