My H has been NC from his EA for almost a month, but he still says he thinks about her all the time. He has no intention of picking it back up, but when does this start to fade? I know there is no hard and fast rule, but it's been hard to work on our marriage while he is still carrying this torch. It's also so hard knowing that he is thinking of her.
He says he's confused, and I believe him. I don't like to see his anguish but it hurts me so much that we can't move on.
I'm sorry that I don't have a specific time answer for you, but I do have a few questions.
What is he doing to work on your marriage?
Has he tried to figure how how he could give himself permission to have an A?
Is he going to IC?
Has he answered your questions? Encouraged you to ask questions?
Does he understand just how devastated you are?
It seems to be that when a WS tries to understand what factors are in his/her background that would have let him/her feel entitled and give him/herself permission to have an A, then the WS begins to understand that the lure of the A wasn't the OP, but rather the escape, the desire to build up self-image, the secrecy, NOT the OP.
The more he works on himself, the less attractive the OP will be, and the more he will see what he was risking.
I'm sorry that I don't have a specific time answer for you, but I do have a few questions.
- What is he doing to work on your marriage?
We are going to MC together. He is not in IC.
-Has he tried to figure how how he could give himself permission to have an A?
I don't know on this one. He talks around it. He says he contacted this OP (old girlfriend) to tie up some unresolved issues (he owed her money), and everything went from there, and he says he doesn't completely regret it because now he knows she doesn't hate him for leaving her (and this helps him, how? He can't answer that one.)
-Is he going to IC?
No - I don't think he thinks he needs it, at least yet. However, he has agreed to bring up his obssessing on the OP with our MC during the next session.
-Has he answered your questions? Encouraged you to ask questions?
I don't know that he has 'encouraged', but he has not discouraged, and he has answered every question willingly and honestly.
-Does he understand just how devastated you are?
I think so, but right now I think his own pain and his idealization of his EA is keeping him from fully empathizing. But he does try to comfort me.
-It seems to be that when a WS tries to understand what factors are in his/her background that would have let him/her feel entitled and give him/herself permission to have an A, then the WS begins to understand that the lure of the A wasn't the OP, but rather the escape, the desire to build up self-image, the secrecy, NOT the OP.
Our MC in counseling asked him if he saw this refuge in his EA as a form of running away, and he did say that it could be.
-The more he works on himself, the less attractive the OP will be, and the more he will see what he was risking.
What I am concerned about is that he still doesn't see it as working on himself - he sees it as working on us. He says repeatedly that he just doesn't know what to do. So far, we have only been to 1 MC session, so so far, not much help. I am hoping we will get more guidance as the counseling moves on.
I get better at coping each day. I got a prescription filled for Lexapro, but I am waiting to see if I can cope without it. The discontinuation symptoms and side effects frighten me a bit. I am taking a sleep medication to sleep. I think if I can just start sleeping and eating again (I have lost 5 pounds in a week), that will go a long way.
Thank god his EA only lasted 2 weeks, and he never came face-to-face with this woman. I can't help but think that would be so much worse.
