I lost my temper this morning at work when my wife text bombed me (i.e. sent sms mesages consecutively so that there was not long enough between messages to reply. Not deliberate but still infuriating) to tell me that she wasn't going into work again today and not to make her and this and that and that she was rubbish.

I threw my phone accross the office, where is hit a filing cabinet and fell appart. I have put it back together and increadibly it still works although it is now bent (seriously - bent not just dented!).

Anyway. The point is that in MC my wife just sits there and is crap at communicating. The MC doesn't challenge her and has the same exasperation as me. My W has asked me to call in sick for her, and so I basically just started telling her she needs to sort out her priorities and her expectations. That I was fed up with her calling me and telling me how rubbish she is, me to comfort her and for her then to do nothing but make things worse. She said she'd "created a monster and that I used to be lovely". I said that I have stood by and given her hugs, platitudes and soothing words for over 6 months and watched her just fall and fall (I resisted saying - "and watched you wreck your life, including our marriage"). I'm sorry if I sound harsh but you've got to start doing something.

Now the thing is that even I know that that is really the wrong things to say to someone who is depressed. Anyway I managed to regain control and started to explain more calmly that I would call in for her and explain that she was off ill etc and that she was still keen on her career etc etc (even though she barely turns up). I also more calmly explained that she should try and do some productive things today, have some fun, try get some emotional strength back.

At the end of the day though it all comes back to these:

1) How do you support someone (particularly who is depressed). My wife has occaisionally said that I don't need to try solve her problems just give her support. But I don't really know what that involves? How exactly do you support someone who is depressed?

2) How do you do that when your own career has been severely dented, your own marriage has been wrecked, and by the person who you should be supporting.


3) And is it wrong to call it a day just because life would be easier alone... ...even if you know that leaving would destroy the other person.

>And is it wrong to call it a day just because life would be easier alone... ...even if you know that leaving would destroy the other person.

First of all, I presume you mean "emotionlly destroy" your wife. If that's right then I think you're buying the lie... divorce wouldn't be easy on either of you, but you can't destroy her with it. Given the adultery, that option can't be taken off the table in my opinion, regardless of the emotional state she finds herself in. Thinking that excercising that option will destroy her is letting her control you, but you are the one allowing it.

That said, I understand your sentiment, and I even would consider the impact of your choices on her. Afterall, marriage is a partnership that pledges loyalty even in difficult times.

>My wife has occaisionally said that I don't need to try solve her problems just give her support. But I don't really know what that involves? How exactly do you support someone who is depressed?

I don't have a particular expert knowlege about this, but my wife was depressed for a time in our recovery. The way I supported her was (1) I listened to her when she wanted to talk (2) I asked her to explain her feelings in ways that I could understand (3) I DID NOT try to solve problems for her, but when she wanted suggestions, I suggested was she could solve those problems (4) I respected her decisions (i.e. in deciding to go on meds, I didn't tell her what to do, and I didn't suggest she did the wrong thing) (5) I allowed her to figure out how to fix herself.

My theory is that part of why people are depressed is related to feeling like they don't have control over their own lives. If I were to control my wife's path through recovery, then she would not gain the self-respect of having fixed her own problem. This doesn't mean I can't help her, but I think I really shouldn't do much in the process. She found her own counselors, she made the decisions on which ones to see, etc. My job was to "complain" if she wasn't working the problem, not to work the problem.

TomJ

Someone (Ami) took my comment in tiny font and made it huge and big

I'm not sure I can cope with seeing it written all huge like that. Its might quite little voice in the back of my mind. Me made it small again

Edited to add reply to tom:

Thanks for that. I try to do that but its so hard and so easy to get frustrated I didn't really know what to think though when she said she thought she'd turned me into a monster

I suppose the biggest point about the calling it a day is that it would not be because I don't love her, but that it would just make my life easier, and I seriously think I'd probably be happier in the short term. I don't know about the long term yet.

Sorry Adam,

I thought it was tiny by error. I did not realize I made it huge, I only meant to make it match the rest of the post.

Ami

Alan, I agree with what Tom said about what to do for her. As someone who has suffered from depression, I never quite knew what I wanted until my WS had an A. That was a wake up call for me to deal with my own s#!% because only I could make me happy and only could battle the demon (which is what true depression feels like). I came to realize that I needed what Tom recommended - someone to listen, help me clairfy and sugegst, but NOT solve my problems. In fact, I would get more frutrated when my WS would take charge and solve an issue. I had taken care of myself for 10 years and it made me feel helpless and I just sank deeper. At one point I got up the courage and told WS to let me deal with it, and, ever since then, I have felt more in control.

That being said, your WS may also be using her depression to manipulate you (and only someone who has been through it dare says that it can be faked - it can be, especially if she is aware of how she acts when she is depressed. And, if she is someone who chose to have an A, then she is capable of deception elsewhere). The good news is that, by doing what Tom suggests, you can shut down any attempts to manipulate you as well. It is win-win for you (even if it will be difficult to do and watch).

Chinook

Adam,

Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you and wishing you well. It's been a while since we've heard from you...



Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ

Im sorry, but I agree. Your wife really seems to be using her depression to manipulate you and control you, to have an advantage over you so she doesnt have to face what she has done or else in life for that matter. I have been depressed off and on. Had someone coddled me like that, and did everything for me when I was depressed there would have been no incentive for me to fight my way out of it and do the work to heal myself. While I have sympathy for your wife, being depressed is no excuse...

to cheat on your spouse
to be unsupportive of your spouse
to not go to work regularly
to hide from life
to get others to do things for you that you should do yourself (ie; call into work for her)
to not participate in MC
to not accept accountability for ones actions
to not accept responisbility for ones choices

...you fill in the blank!

About divorce and devastating someone else...I am sorry, but when someone chooses to cheat on their spouse they must accept that divorce is a possibility. Your W made the choice to cheat. She willingly risked your marriage. I dont know how else to say it. Of course the BS can choose to stay, but the WS needs to do their part. Is she doing her part? Is she working on the marriage? Is she being 100% accountable and remorseful? Forget about her depression for one second, is she in the marriage or not?

I know this is all so difficult, but you have to ask yourself the hard questions. You cannot continue to turn a blind eye to your wife's behavior and suffer. You must take care of YOU or you lose YOU. It doesnt mean you cannot work things out with your wife, but it does mean that you cannot ignore the truly hard stuff either. You need to see excatly what you are dealing with in order to be able to tackle it. I am sorry you are in this position and hurting so badly. And of course no matter what you decide to do we will all support you. Take care & ((((((hugs))))))

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Another book recommendation "How You Can Survive When They're Depressed : Living and Coping With Depression Fallout"

by Anne Sheffield, Mike Wallace, and Donald F. Klein (Paperback - May 18, 1999) $10.17 on Amazon.

It was a fantastic book with other great reviews out on Amazon.

My H read all about depression and faked the symptoms to a "T" This book has.. I wouldn't call them tricks, but this book has ways you can communicate with a depressed person that doesn't make you either the caregiver or the "meanie"

I loved this book. Communication without guilt. Yep, it's what I needed.

-Susan